living in the snow: lessons from a florida girl

I grew up in Florida. Contrary to what you may think- where I grew up it doesn't snow. 72 is a cold spell and we are pulling out our North Face jackets. God moved me where it snows- a lot. Not a little- a whole whole lot. Growing up I knew pretty much one thing about snow... it was a blast to ski in.

Moving here last year I really had no clue what in the world I was getting myself into. 'Snow' they said? Oh- I'm sure it can't be that bad! Uh huh. Last year I had my very good friend tell me a little secret she had heard to help with the snow. You see, when it snows a lot or we have ice, your windshield wipers get all icy and then they don't work well. This friend had been told a great way to help with this problem was to put tube socks on your wipers and then bam- they are great in the morning. Mentioning no names- SUZ PATRICK- you have to understand Suz told me this trick a year ago and I'd never tried it. The other day we had quite a large snow to which she asked, 'you haven't tried what I told you a year ago, have you?'... I quickly responded that I had my softball socks all ready to go. When I got home last night... it was snowing hard so I thought what could be a better time to try this out? After battling a bit to get them on there... I was ready to go. I couldn't wait to see what a great job this little trick would do and what TIME it would save me. This morning I rushed out to my snow covered car... I brushed away the many inches of snow and smiled to see my happy little black and white striped socks covering and protecting my windshield wipers. To my horror as I went to remove them... I found them frozen- solid as a freakin' rock. I pondered a moment what to do. How in the world could this great trick have turned so badly? Already late for work, I decided to deal with it- after all- it wasn't snowing and I wouldn't need the wipers. Surely the sun would melt them down as the day went on?

My drive to work wasn't the ease I expected. Everytime a car flew by, the snow and water would fly up onto my windshield. Out of pure instinct I would turn on the windshield wipers which would go back and forth with frozen tube socks smearing the water even more while my defroster continued to melt it. Thank the Lord I don't have a Florida tag on my car. I finally arrived at work in one piece- very thankful I might add. I wasn't sure what to do about this problem, but I certainly wasn't about to ask anyone for help because then this meant I had to show them my shameful frozen tube socks. I went into work confident the sun would melt it enough for me to get it off. Sometime this afternoon I decided I should go check on my 'issue'. I opted to go out the back door where we have a steep hill... surely I could simply walk up. It was only snow... we hadn't really had any ice. Way to go genius- you have tube socks frozen to your wipers, but don't consider the possibility of ice? As I make my way up the hill- so far, so good. Then that moment of slow motion, the moment you know you've hit the ice and you no longer have feet below you and you see yourself plummeting... yep, that was me, wiped out. Not one to give up- I simply tried again... only to realize the only way up, was to crawl. My crawl was a success and I quickly stood up, checking around to see who had seen my embarrassment and trying to sneak to my car so no one would see me 'working' on it. Fairly confident, I figured I'd take them off and be done. All my efforts proved to be in vain... when still, the tube socks are frozen solid. Hanging my head in shame, I return to work. (In the front door and NOT down the hill... don't worry).

On my way home I had a brilliant idea. I could cut them off! Of course this would work. Slice them down the side- then pry them off. I waited until it was dark, the less people to see me and bundled up... it was cold out there so I was covered from head to toe. I walk out confident this will work. Have you ever tried to cut a block of ice with kid scissors? That's what I felt like I was doing- not a chance. Feeling like an even bigger idiot... what would I do?! Considering hot water were an issue- it could crack my windshield. I'm going to need my wipers! I can't continue going on like this until MARCH! Another random idea occurs... a hot towel. Careful not to get it on my windshield, I finally manage to loosen them up enough to pry them off my windshield- Thank you Jesus!! What an experience today was. The good news- I have pictures to prove it, but I do have two things to say. I believe I have found the newest kick- butt weapon ever- frozen tube socks... I mean you could knock someone out cold with that thing- and two... I believe this would be considered the northern version of tp-ing. I'm making my list right now!



This pic is after I took it off my wiper... holding it STRAIGHT up in the air! rofl!

called out

Have you ever been called out? I got called out- and boy did I deserve it. I'm not talking about an arrogant, prideful 'I told you so' called out... just one of those where the person really didn't have to say much... I knew I was out of line before I read the first two words.

What began as a simple vacation back home, has turned into an overwhelming flood of emotions. God has been working me overtime. He's been challenging me in ways that I never even imagine. When I think I have an answer- a solution- I'm quickly reminded there's so much more I have to work on. So much more that I have to do.

I was in a situation earlier where I was put in my place. I don't mean any negativity on the person that did it because I don't think you can be put in a place unless you are out of it- and I was. In fact, they were must nicer than they could have and probably should have been because they are actually still talking to me! Haha! What that person had no idea of- is what effect that conversation would have to the very next person I saw.

My aunt and I have rarely talked at all in any depth. I do believe she is one of the wisest women I've ever had the priviledge to know. She coaches basketball and I love basketball. She invited me to come work with the coaches and the team at a Thanksgiving tournament today. I was thrilled. She came and picked me up early and we were going to do some stuff for her class at school. In one simple question she began a chain of a conversation I never saw coming. The woman knew me from cover to cover with no one ever telling her anything. She began talking about our family... all the way back to her grandfather and the chain of events he began. As a child she would see him preaching hell, fire and brimstone (he was a preacher of a church) and turn around and go get so drunk he couldn't stand up. She remembers seeing this as a small child and it shaped the way she thought people should live. She grew up with an alcoholic father and only to marry into an abusive relationship. In short- the book challenged her to stop the cycle that had started. To re-parent her children and break that cycle so that they no longer had to live in it. I think at this point my mouth was to the floor. She began challenging me with the fact that this cycle WAS passed down to me and if I don't stop it, I will pass it to my children. She saw right through me. Right through the shield I'd placed up that everything was ok. I was floored by what she had to say to me and much of it that I cannot share here. As much as I hated to be called out today- I believe it set me up for the next thing that happened. I was so vulnerable with what had happened... there was no wall for my aunt to try and break down. She could see right through it. If I hadn't had that earlier... that might have never happened.

So I got a book- I got a book on everything I've been trying to put into order this past year. I also got an aunt I've rarely talked to in detail to give me exactly what I needed to hear to find who I am to be. To finally have all the tools, all the ways to get past all this and be able to make it a reality and truly live in the freedom I can. Break the cycle... it rings over and over in my head... when I realize that it's not just something stupid I've done... when I see entire generations of this happening... it puts a whole new spin on things. When you look back over your family and see you were almost destined for this to happen... it rocks you. I don't want to pass that kind of legacy on... I want to break it. And I truly believe I have everything I need to do that. I bet that one that called me out-had no clue the part that conversation would play in this... but I'm pretty freakin' excited it did :)

believe

Since I started this blog it's kind of been an outpouring of my soul. I'm not always good at talking about what's going on with me, but I've always been able to write it. Most days when I write on my blog I forget that anyone at anytime can read it and at times I get going and probably tell too much. I guess on some level I feel like this can hold me to a level of accountability I could never match. Like if I write it down and in a sense admit and say it... someone knows where I need help. I don't sit in a dark corner dealing with all my issues alone or repress them until I explode... I give people the chance to help me. I feel like I'm very open and always very honest but this one... is hard to write.

I've never had a problem believing in my abilities. Most things in my life have come naturally to me. I don't remember not playing basketball in my life and from what I know, I've always been good at it. Having a basketball in my hand has always made me feel the greatest. I felt like I could do almost anything- and I was always the most confident on the court. Maybe somedays a little too confident. It was the same with school. I never really had difficulty with it and most of the time I never studied. Right or wrong, good or bad, confidence in my abilities has never really been an issue and most people that know me on any level- would probably agree.

Admitting weakness has always been one of the hardest things for me. Admitting I need people or can't do it alone- is excruciating. If I do have a weakness, I do what most of us do... mask it with my strengths. When it comes to physical ability- I believe God has blessed me beyond measure. I've always been taught that if I put my mind to something, I could do anything and for the most part, I have believed it and run with it, but when it comes to truly believing in myself- I'm missing the boat.

I'll never make a secret of where I've come from and I'll never pretend that God didn't bring me from the pit and help me climb to the mountaintop. When Satan wants to mess with me- he reminds me of that pit and how miserable I was there. He plays back every bad decision I ever made and one in particular he throws at me over and over... some days in slow motion. I believe with all my heart that God has redeemed me... I think :)... but when it comes right down to it, I feel like I can't trust myself. I have no faith in who I've become. In a way, it's kind of like telling God that I don't think He did all of his job. That He can have this part of my life... but this part I don't trust Him with and can't quite give over.

I have been blessed beyond all measure with the most amazing people in my life in this last year. I mean some of the most amazing people I've met in all of my life. I can't explain what they have done for me, but one thing I will say- they believe in me. They don't just believe in me- the remind me they do. They tell me how much they believe in me and I can't express what that's like for someone that doesn't believe in herself. It's so hard to admit that I haven't been able to get to that point. It feels like a missing piece of the puzzle. I felt like having these people believe in me would keep me ok- it would make me deal with it and even if I couldn't do it, I could go off their strength. Wow- what pressure to put on others.

As necessary as these peoples belief in me is (and I think God for it)- I was reminded that I can never get where I need to if I don't believe in myself. That's the step I'm missing- the puzzle piece that makes it all work. They can believe in me all day long, and I know they do, but if I can't believe in what God has done for me and WHO HE has made me- it just can't work. I will continue to live in defeat. My lack of trust in myself is a lack of faith. It's telling God I don't believe He can do what He says. I believe part of it- but not all of it. I can't trust myself- because I can't give all of myself to God. At the end of the day, you're right, I can't trust myself to myself- when I give it all to God- ALL of me, that's when I get to start trusting who I am. I don't want to limit God, but I have been. I've been telling him I don't believe what He can do when really... He's the one I should trust the most. I'm not saying, *bam* I trust myself, but I do have a whole new outlook... and maybe it's time to take a little pressure off those people. Take their belief in me and prove them absolutely right, let them look and smile at what they have seen God do and that I finally believe it for myself. That my God started an amazing work- and I finally see it, too.

be still... and quiet.

I drove around one day last weekend for an hour- lost. Everyone I called to help was unavailable... I couldn't figure out where I was and it was dark- dark and cold. Being lost wasn't the problem- how it made me feel was. I couldn't figure out why it made me so upset... why it made me want to break down and cry. I spend most of my life lost. It's not unusual for me to be in that exact situation on any given day and laugh about it. That day I didn't feel like laughing. I thought I knew where I was going. I thought I knew street names and when I would find one I knew, it turned out to be the same name- but a different street. When I thought I found a way, it would turn out I had no clue where I was and the longer I tried to find it, the darker it got. I finally had to retrace exactly how I'd gotten there. I had to remember how I had come and go exactly back that way. While it sounds simple enough, it sent me over the edge.

It didn't hit me until later the reason it had rocked my world so much. It had nothing to do with being in a location lost and everything to do with feeling like that was my life. I was overcome with feelings that I had no clue where my life was going and that I felt exactly as helpless driving around out there as I did in my own life. What was my next move? Where did I want to go? What did I want to do? I felt like I was taking one step forward and two steps back.

Today I spent time with some very dear friends of mine. If you know me well I'm usually going 90 to nothing all the time. I am go go go and that's the way I like it. Today was far from that. It was quiet, it was sit around, do whatever you felt like. It's something I'm not quite used to. It drove me almost crazy. I mentioned to my best friend on the phone, "I need to figure out why I can't just be... why I need to continually be entertained?". What was I afraid of? Why couldn't I just be?

Being lost and being quiet- two of the things I like the least and I was confronted with them back to back. I think God's trying to tell me something and I think I should listen. I love the phrase 'Be Still And Know That I Am God' but how often do I practice it? It doesn't have to be lights, camera, action all the time... sometimes I just need to sit. Maybe if I would sit and listen a little more often, I wouldn't be lost so often. The lost part hit a little closer to home. I'm pretty sure I know exactly what I want, but getting there is a little more difficult. I have no clue how I'm going to get there. As it's almost Thanksgiving I began to think about those times I've been lost. How thankful I am for them. It's the times when I'm lost that I learn the most. It's the times when I'm lost I'm so grateful I was found. I believe God uses the times we have no where else to turn to teach us the things we will hold onto forever. It's been said that mountaintops prepare you for valley duty. I felt like I was in the bottom of the valley last Saturday night and I came close to forgetting everything I'd learned on the mountaintop. I was willing to give it all away in a flash. It took a special person to remind me it wasn't worth it and no matter how alone I felt... I really wasn't. The interesting thing is I happened to find this person at a time when I was so completely lost. I was reminded that not only does God teach us the most things when we might be lost, but sometimes He gives us some of the best gifts and people to come into our lives.

It's the times when we're lost that if we would just stop for a second... stop trying to find our way and simply be still- our God is closer than He ever was. We learn, we grow and we are given gifts further beyond our imaginations... when we are lost. In the times of quiet, our God guides us, holds us and shows us the lessons He needs us to learn. Being lost reminds me of where I have been- where I have come from. It reminds me that while I was lost, I thank Him I was found. In my quiet moments, my God speaks the loudest... maybe I should listen a little more often.

those cool lil God moments

God moments. Sacred moments of grace. Whatever you call them, you know what I'm talking about. Those times when you're going through something, dealing with an issue and you know the truth, but a little extra confirmation is always nice? Well, I got mine... and in a big way.

In my previous post I wrote about my backyard. I knew that God absolutely was calling me to rid of some 'friendships' in my life and to get them out of my backyard. I was confident of it. I haven't been to my church in weeks. I was out of town for 2 and because of some other things, it has caused me to miss. They were doing a series on raising kids and forgive me, but it wasn't something I was excited about. Sure, maybe I'll be there one day, but it's not exactly what I'm in the market to hear right now. Isn't it just like God to find a way to shut me up?

My pastor is cutting edge. He's definitely out of the box, but what he did on Sunday... was extreme for even him. We have 5 total weekend services. Two on Saturday night and three on Sunday. I happened to be at the very last one on Sunday. The sermon was titled 'Return of the Leeches'. Um. Huh? In a jar on stage he had... yep, you guessed it... leeches. While he began explaining about leeches, he stuck his hand in the jar and started pushing them around. To my horror, he didn't stop there. He rolled up his sleeve and pulled two out placing them on his bare arm. This being the last service, he had already done this four other times. The results of the previous times were evident in the bloodstained places all over his arm. As he talked for about 10 minutes explaining how these creatures act, the leeches remained on his arm... attached. It made my skin crawl. I had no idea where he was going, but just hoped he would get there quickly. The words he spoke next, were profound to me.

He explained that there are people in our lives strictly there to take from us. The leeches on his arm were taking from him, feeding off him, but giving him nothing in return. We have people that are strictly there to suck the life out of us. We allow them to latch on and when we do, it's difficult to get them off, the same with the leech attached to his arm. They feed off our vulnerability and take whatever they can from us giving us nothing in return. He then pointed to the other places on his scarred arm. He had barely been able to get the bleeding to stop from the previous service to begin this one. He then said that even when we rid the leeches in our lives, the effects they've had on our life are still evident and many times we are left... still bleeding. As he removed them, it was rather difficult for him to. He had a paper towel and throughout the service he continually had to wipe the blood from his arm. By the time the service was finished, the entire paper towel was red. He knew this was extreme, but asked if any of us would have understood the effects if we hadn't seen it with out own eyes? It's just like us... to need that. God moment? A huge one.

I walked out almost unable to speak. I was shocked at the little amount of faith I'd had in God to teach me that day and in the magnitude He showed up. When God has spoken to you He will show you and confirm to you over and over again the direction you are supposed to head. I felt it in the depths of my soul that these people I needed to rid myself of still had me bleeding. The effects may never truly go away, but how much stronger can I be if this 'leech' isn't trying to suck the life out of me? I had given them too much power for way too long. Allowed them to be in fellowship with me and it was causing me everything I wasn't willing to give. I'm no longer willing to sacrifice who I am to please people that have given me NOTHING in return... those who are only there to take, take, take. Sure I got it before... I understood they needed to be gone... but who knew it would take a leech attached to my pastor's arm... to really get it.

my backyard

My sweet friend has challenged me with something recently. It's been on my mind lately. Not long ago I was dealing with a 'friend' and was questioning the health of the relationship. She quickly responded, "would you let her in your backyard?". Huh? Immediately I thought, "Well, I don't have backyard. I live in an apartment." so I simply said, "Um. I don't get it." What did a backyard I don't have mean regarding this friendship? I'm not really sure if an eye roll is a smile followed, but she began to explain the backyard of my life. I then began to wonder... well would I?

I've thought a lot about my backyard lately. There's been quite a party there actually, but it hasn't been smooth sailing. There's some questionable people I've let in the gate and I began looking back at why. I thought about all the friends I have in my life... even acquaintances that I call 'friends' and how healthy they were for my life. I think I spent more time picking out what I would wear to work this morning than some of the friends I've allowed in. When I thought about it, I got why they were there, but I didn't get why they were still there.

I'm not just talking about the toxic people in our lives... the ones we know are trouble and that we have to keep our distance from altogether. I'm talking about people we may not even know are dangerous. You know, those wolves in sheep's clothing? The people that put us down or always find something negative. Do you have those people in your life that you get around and you completely change demeanor? I certainly do.

I'm dealing with a relationship right now that I know I need to let go of. I know it's not safe and when I'm around this person or talk to them, I change. Everything becomes negative... nothing is quite good enough and that's exactly how this person makes me feel. That I'm not good enough. They really saved me in a rough time in my life, but it's a case now of needing saved from them. They've been obsolete in my life for the past year when I needed people to rally around me. They weren't there and somehow I still feel I owe them something. I feel like they need to know the person I've become... the person I've changed into, but the truth is, they don't deserve it. They aren't even safe close to my backyard.

I have few other relationships that need to be taken care of. I've been on a roller coaster the past couple of days. I've wondered 'why?'... 'why me?'... I'm not asking for it. I've pretty much been behaving, but these issues aren't from people that belong in my backyard and if I did a better job of policing it would the past couple of days have happened? Probably not. In my last blog I talked about being in recovery from things... you can't be in recovery effectively and still let those people in your backyard. They are throwing a completely different party!

It's interesting to me... the people we allow in our lives. This certainly has me thinking, tho. I want to make better choices about who gets to be there and keep my backyard 'safe'. I think in the long run... it will make things so much easier. So... I have some work to do. I've gotta kick some people outta this BBQ... what about you? Who's in your backyard?

recovery

I heard a statement the other day I thought was profound.

"If we're honest, aren't we all in recovery from something?"

As simple as it is, it's the absolute truth. We all have things we struggle with and we all have areas of our lives we are in complete detox from. Some are more obvious than others and some may view theirs as more serious. Some may manifest in drug and alcohol recovery or others may simply be from certain relationships. Whatever they are, to each individual they are as serious as the most destructive lifestyle. We think if we call it 'recovery' somehow that makes us weak. Like admitting the problem is admitting we have an issue that is too big for us to handle. It's just like 'us' to feel that way. To feel like sweeping it under the rug is the 'safe' thing. The safe thing is admitting it. When we ignore it's existence, we allow ourselves to be tempted by Satan because we pretend we are bigger than the problem.

For example, there are days I pretend I don't have a problem. Days I pretend that I can exist in the 'party world' and be bigger than the effects it's had on my life when the truth is flirting with disaster could be the end of me. In my twisted way of thinking I imagine that admitting I can't be apart of that world and those people makes me weak. It means that I can't handle that. Unfortunately, that's the point. I can't handle it. Putting on a front and acting like the world is ok and that I can do what I want is the most dangerous thing of all. When I admit I have a problem... when I in essence, admit I need to be in 'recovery' from this lifestyle, I can then have people to hold me accountable and keep me out of that destructive lifestyle.

God's placed people in our life to help us through these times. He's given us people we can trust and that can invest in our lives to help us through the issues we face. Maybe I should start listening to those people more. Satan only needs one chance. When he gets his hooks into you he begins this web of deception and before you know it, you are in so deep you can't see your way out. He feeds of the vulnerability these issues in essence give us. I'm sad to say I know this from much experience.

It's a recovery... a lifelong process of a daily ritual to prevent a destructive lifestyle. It's a lifetime of making sure Satan doesn't get it and that I do everything I can to make sure and protect my life from the schemes of the evil one. The safest place to be is admitting I can't do it alone. Admitting I have a problem and that maybe even though you can handle being apart of that life... I certainly can't. Voicing weakness isn't easy... especially for me. I never want to be called weak, but if I don't admit it, God will eventually break me for my own pride of feeling like I've got this under control. I've already tried... and too many times failed. It seems like a recurring theme all over again... when I am weak, then He is strong. A battle of daily dying to self and remembering that without Him... I am nothing. I think somewhere over the last little while I've forgotten that. It's time to get back into my regular 'detox' meetings. He's given me some great help here on earth. Real people I can talk to and confide in. It's time to own the problem and move on from it... instead of pretending I'm big enough for it, because Lord knows... I've proven I'm not.

bring the rain

I have a new favorite song. It's called 'Bring the Rain' by Mercy Me. If you haven't heard it, you should. Here's the chorus:

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I've been singing this song for weeks. I love what it says... even though it's a hard song to sing I love it. I didn't realize that I might just be praying this while I was singing it.

I'm going through something right now... something I think might be the rain. Some may think it to be very minor in comparison to their 'rain' or think that I am making too big a deal, but in all honesty, it's ripping my heart out. I've done a lot of hurting in my life and I don't like that part of my history. Unfortunately, this could potentially really hurt someone I love very much. I hate that part of this. Even though it's truth... it will still hurt.

This song is bold and the words of it, I don't even think I understand in its entirety. Weeks ago listening to it, I never imagined sitting here in this situation. I think even if we pray that prayer... we certainly aren't out looking for the 'rain'. For me, this time right now is rain, but I believe with all my heart that God will receive the glory for this. I certainly don't know how and I don't know when it will be seen, but I do believe that He will receive it.

In the midst of troubles and trials, it's easy to get down and easy to be discouraged. I'm pretty sure I'll have many more days of that, but what an amazing God we serve. He knows everything about us, and He knows the trials He places in our lives and the reason behind them. I believe He has placed this situation in my life so that He may receive the glory for it somehow and I want to believe Him for it. Although it's not always easy to praise Him in that rain... it sure is worth trying to.

I laughed til it hurts...

My stomach muscles are sore. I could explain, but it would never make sense. It was a time filled with those 'you had to be there' moments. There's something about those times that make you never want to leave. You want to completely and totally rest in them. You just want to sit... and take it all in.

I have a friend. I have an amazing friend and I think that our entire relationship is made of 'you had to be there' moments. Those are the kind of friends you just don't always find. You never search them out and you never pick them... they just happen. They show up at that right moment when you completely need them. That's this friend.

I'm finding myself very thankful tonight. I'm thankful for what God's given me in a friend and who He's placed in my life. He knows how hard I prayed for a good Christian friend that I could count and after weekends like this, I'm reminded of how blessed I am to have her in my life. It's the best of both worlds to have a friend who's shoulder you can cry on and the next you can be laughing so hard with you can't breathe.

I guess when you've lost things in your life and you get second chances at good things, it teaches you to be grateful for them. I think that's where I am. I never want to take these good things for granted because I know what it's like to have them all ripped away. I never want to become so flippant about a special relationship that I forget it's just that... special.

So after two weekends with my amazing friend- weekends of drive bys, laughter, fun, being left in the rain, dancing and insane silliness... I'm just simply grateful. I'm glad I've got a friend. Because for a long time I didn't... and to have one... it feels pretty freakin' amazing.

and we are raised to walk in the newness of life...

Yes. That's a pool. Yes. It's on a baseball field between first and second base. Yes. It's a baptism. And yes. I know him. Our church does a huge baptism every year. They usually do it at a camp, but they've grown too large and this year they did it at the city's minor league baseball stadium. Yes. You read it right.

It was a major event. It was cool because I hadn't ever seen anything like this done before, but it was even more special because of the person in this picture who was getting baptized. This is my boyfriend, Kyle. Kyle's an amazing guy. He's one of the nicest guys I know and would do anything in the world for me. This event was major for me because he was proclaiming in front of God and 3000 people at a baseball stadium that he believed God was his Savior.

I was saved when I was 9. I was baptized shortly after and so my conversion wasn't a huge ordeal for me. Yeah, it was great, but by 9 I hadn't fully had the chance to screw up my life just enough yet! Standing in front of a church wasn't this major humbling experience. Kyle had lived his life thinking he was saved as many do. He attended church regularly and lived an overall good life. Nothing made him think any differently. Until one moment in a service at church he realized it was more than that. Maybe there was something else to all this... there was a Savior he needed. Maybe he couldn't really do this on his own. As I sat in the stands watching, I saw a strong, independent man who stood alone on a field surrounded by thousands. He stood proudly in his decision, but humbly in the knowledge that he did in fact need a Savior and he need a Lord in his life. At 28 years old he decided to proclaim that need for a Savior in front of a crowd of 3000 people and show... I can't do this alone. If this isn't a picture of surrender, I don't know what is.

None of this is to pat Kyle on the back or give him the glory when we know it's all God's. It's simply showing us that it is all about surrender. It's about admitting that we do in fact need a Savior. We all can't do it alone and some days we need to be reminded. I was saved and baptized at 9 and some days I just simply forget it. Watching 441 people who made that commitment decided to go public with it... made me remember it quickly. For some the sweetest moment may have been when a small child came back up with the cool water pouring off their face. For another it may have been locking arms and being baptized together with their spouse. A special moment for all was the 80 year old man went in who could barely make it into one of the pools but did not dare leave without being fully covered in the clear cool water. But for me, the special moment was when I saw my guy, fully soaked, knowing it's only just water, but knowing how much more the symbol really means. At the end of the day, it's not what will happen tomorrow, or what decisions we'll make by the end of the year or where we will live, it's that I know where we'll both end up in the very end... and it's definitely together.

Therefore we are buried with him by baptism into death: that like as Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life. Romans 6:4

Everything

My best friend sent me this video this morning. It's one of the most powerful things I've ever seen. Watch it all the way through. It's an amazing representation of Christ's love and how real the temptations we face are.

The No. 1 Enemy of Believers

Tonight I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated about a lot of things. Many of which I tried to run and fight out in 3 straight hours of basketball. It didn't work. The more I played, the madder I got. While there are many things on my heart, I am only going to talk about one. Most will say the answer to the title is other believers. While I believe they can be, I think religion is at the top of the list. I believe religion is the number 1 enemy of believers.

Somewhere along the line I think we've lost the point. We have a religion to ok whatever we feel at that moment. If we don't like something about one, we find a new one. We've lost sight of simply being a believer. Simply accepting Jesus into our hearts and lives and living for Him. How much more difficult are we making it? If you do studies on religion, most have come because someone got mad... so they made a new one. Check it out... it's true. Is religion sending people to hell?

I have something that's really bothering me and I want to be very vague about the people I'm talking about... no names, no relationships will be given. Someone in my family is working on changing their life. They recently got saved and they are going to be baptized in 2 weeks. Praise God! This decision was made entirely by this person and their own admission of their sin and their need for a Savior. This person grew up in a religion that believes you are saved upon baptism... and that's done as a child. That's it... period. No age of recognition, no salvation... sprinkled water and enter into heaven. I've always been fascinated by this belief. Where they find this to be biblically sound, I don't know. When this person told their other family about their salvation and baptism, they were criticized - not questioned about why, criticized.

I almost don't know what to say. Where do we miss what the Bible says? Let's take a look at Romans 10:9-10 - "9 If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10 For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved. " I'm not here to debate salvation and what constitutes it, because only a person can know for himself, but it's written clearly in the scripture. My real problem is that religion is sending people to hell. We've created religions to tell us what we want to hear. Where do we miss the boat? If we sit and say that sprinkling water on a baby is my ticket to heaven then what was the point of Jesus dying on Calvary? Where is our point of recognition for our sins and our need to cry out to a Savior?

I have adopted a saying recently that I love. 'Reject Religion - Embrace Jesus'. I agree with that with all of my heart. I was broken tonight when this person sat across from me with tear-filled eyes... because his religion no longer meets up with this other part of his family. Where have we lost it? Where have we screwed it up? Instead of rejoicing with our brothers and sisters, we are offended because it doesn't line up with our 'religion manual'. I know I'm all over the place tonight, but I'm frustrated. I'm annoyed that the Christian community cannot join together. Instead, we pick petty arguments because whatever beliefs we have adopted don't seem to line up when what we should be doing... is following what God gave us - the Bible. The question isn't does it line up with what WE think... does it line up with what GOD thinks? He gave us the manual and instead of picking it up and following it... we make up whatever's easiest for us and whatever fits our needs. I'm not a fan of 'religion' anymore. I think church is important and being apart of a corporate body does wonders for your walk with Christ. I'm not saying 'Community Church' is the best and one that has a religion 'name' on the door is bad. I just think we need to know what we're practicing. Is the church I'm in based on the Bible and what the Bible says? I don't want to be labeled with religion. I simply want to be known as a believer, Christ follower, lover of Jesus. I want for people to look at my life and see Christ... not my religion.

Ephesians 2: 8-9
8 God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. 9 Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it.

To Help Those That Don't Want It

Have you found yourself at that place? Are there those people in your life that you are desperate to help, but they don't want it? They don't find it necessary to be helped and instead of trying to to change they would rather stay on that destructive path? That's the place I feel in tonight. I feel like that one wanting to help that lost soul, but with no clue how to. I've been on the other side. I've been on that path of destruction and more pain I caused myself, in some sick way, the better I felt. When you've been to that place, you don't ever want anyone to have to feel that pain and hurt. When you've lived it, you want to save everyone you can from it.

How do you help those that have no desire to be helped? When do you step in and try to take over and when do you trust God enough to take care of His children? It's such a difficult balance and I don't know what side of that I stand on tonight. It's a constant battle. Where is the line of God wanting you to intervene crossed with the line of your own agenda?

I have one brother. One brother that I love so deeply and I don't know how to help. He's on a path of destruction and I don't know what to do for him. It's the most helpless I've ever felt. I don't know when my role is to step in and try to fix it and when I'm supposed to pray from a far. Is praying my cop out way of not tackling the issue straight on? Do I use prayer as a crutch so I don't have to confront the hard stuff? It's a hard battle I'm having trouble fighting tonight. Part of me wants to throw in the towel and say 'I've done all I can... the rest is up to him'... While another part of me wants to scream and yell at him and beg him to get his life together because I'm afraid the next time a phone rings it's to tell me he's dead.

I've been in his shoes. As I sit looking back I wish someone would have stepped into my life before it got so bad. I wish someone would have grabbed me by the face and told me what a mess I was making of my life. Sure, I look back now and think that... but would I have felt that way at the time? How would I have reacted to someone trying to step in then? I had a friend that I hadn't spoken to in years tell me they had to step away from me because they knew I wouldn't listen to them. They knew I had to find my own way.

Does he have to find his own way? How do you know the answer? If I try to step in will it push him further down this path and cause more damage if I just pray God's protection over him? What a delicate balance and a tough question I'm asking myself tonight. I do believe God honors the prayers of His saints and many times can answer a prayer many years down the road from when it's prayed, but I also believe God's prayers require some action.

So that's where I sit tonight. Confused between outward action and inward action. Do I try and fight this battle or do I allow the angels and demons to fight this one out? It's a fight I can't figure out, but I do know if I ever got that phone call... I could never ever forgive myself... for making the wrong choice.

And I Wished Upon A Star...

Ok, so not really a star... but a prayer. And not just one... many. As I sat in chapel service yesterday the topic was on prayer. He made a statement that stunned me and not because of how particularly profound it was, but actually at how simple it was. He said, "When we obey God, we could be answering a prayer that someone prayed 100 years ago". It stunned me because of how true it was. I often find myself thinking in immediate terms as far as prayers being answered... not in long term. And how many prayers are prayed specifically for and about us that we aren't even aware are being prayed?

After dinner last night, my boyfriend and I began talking about this very subject. He was commenting on several times when he'd informed his mother of a decision and her response was simple, "We prayed about that in bible study". We then began continuing a discussion that floored me. His desire to learn about what God had for him and what God was teaching him was profound. It far surpassed any desire I'd had lately. I could see the fire in his eyes and the willingness to take that step even deeper into what Christ had to offer him. Even later in the evening as I sat pouring out my heart to my best friend with tears streaming down my face, an unbelievable feeling hit me. The two conversations I'd had that night were two specific prayers I had prayed... almost a year ago.

When I moved here I had no idea why I was coming. I blindly walked into this place with almost no knowledge of Life Action (who I would work for) and zero knowledge of life up north. I didn't know a soul and had only talked on the phone to one person from the ministry. I knew God would teach me something, but I didn't know what I was supposed to expect. I'd been on a roller coaster of emotion and felt completely alone. I had so many desires of my heart and I didn't know how to ask for them. Before I moved I prayed God would give me two things.

The first thing I wanted was a best friend. I'd been burned around every corner and done my fair share of burning. I wanted to balance of a friend that I could laugh, joke and be myself with, but one that I could pour out my heart with issues and discuss this walk of grace. I'd always had either extreme. There was never a balance of the two. I wanted so badly to have a friend I knew would stand in the gap for me and I knew that loved me for me. They could know my past, they could know everything bad I'd ever done, but they would still see the real me.

The second thing I prayed for was a godly man. A man that desired to be a Priest, Prophet and King of my household. Someone I didn't have to stay on about going to church... they would go on their own if I wasn't there. I wanted to date a guy who desired to know what God had for his life and for our life. Someone I could trust and love and I could give my heart to. I'd done my fair share of dating and my resume wasn't too impressive. It would take a special godly man to take me. I wanted a balance. I didn't need a cookie cutter religious nut job and I wanted someone I could be myself with and still have a great time. I was very specific about what I wanted... someone who knew family was important and someone who would live in the south! (Um, my God has no limitations!) I wanted someone who would treat me like I felt I should be treated... a nice guy. Something I hadn't dated many of.

The longer I talked to my friend on the phone the more I'd realized after these many months... God had answered those prayers. He had given me a friend better than I could have ever asked for. He had given me that friend at the most unexpected time and from the most unexpected place. He'd planted the seed for a very specific time for us to meet and very specific things to connect us. I could not imagine having a stronger connection with a friend and there are days I feel like we live in this parallel universe. How could someone else be THAT much like me? There are the aspects of the silliness, the jokes and just the flat out hilarity of our relationship, but there are the times like last night when we pour our heart out to one another or the times I just simply don't know what to do and she talks me down off the ledge. I found last night God had given me everything I'd wanted and more in Kyle. The want and desire for a relationship with Christ and truly understanding the meaning of grace were phenomenal. He wanted to walk this with me and wanted to do it himself if I wasn't there. It's never about obligation or because he thinks that's what I want. He treats me like I'm a princess and truthfully... it's better than I deserve to be treated. It's an amazing feeling. In the whirlwind of this life I've lived and the roller coaster of emotion this past year, I know why God brought me here. He had to uproot me and move me to this place simply... to give me my heart's desire.

Full Circle

If you've ever played a sport or run a race you know what I'm talking about. (My non-sports people, hang in there! I haven't forgotten you.) It's that moment when sweat is pouring down your face and your muscles are screaming from exhaustion. There's no time on the clock and you are down by 1 point. You get fouled and you get two free throws. You sink them both and win the game... full circle. If you're running a race and you see the finish line. You think you can't possibly run anymore and that moment your body kicks in with a surge of energy that sends you past the leader and across that line... full circle. Maybe for you it's looking for that perfect pair of shoes. You look in every store you can think of and search all day. You walk into Nordstrom 10 minutes before they close and you see them, in your size - on the sale rack... full circle. You know what I'm talking about and you know the feeling. It's addictive... and what you truly want for your life.

It's no secret I've had a rough last couple years. I've talked enough about it and won't beat a dead horse. I have come to a complete full circle in my life and it's an incredible feeling. There comes a point when you do so many things wrong... you just want to do something right. Not only do you want to do it, you want someone to notice you did it. Now I won't say I haven't done a few things right in the past couple years, but my rights were plagued with continued wrongs that seemed to cancel out the good stuff. I sit here in my apartment, that 3 months ago I hated, in a town I swore I'd never like... smiling because life is pretty good. Don't mistake that I miss many things about my home so much, but I'm content now. I have a church that I think is incredible, I have a boyfriend I don't deserve and I have friends I would fight the world to keep. God has blessed me in so many incredible ways. I sit here in complete awe of what a bad place I was in... in only such a short time ago. I feel like I've finally started to turn things around and that things are going right. I'm not in a fighting battle with myself to prove to anyone I'm as bad as they think. I'm not defined by anyone but my Lord and Savior. There are days it's an absolute battle to fight and someone close to me will say something hurtful and I'm thrown back into that web of misunderstanding and hurt, but thank God I've got people in my life that pick me back up... people that love me and understand me... that love me for exactly who I am- not what they want me to be.

I would be a fool to leave out the major part of coming full circle. It's simply understanding God's grace. When you can embrace the entire idea of grace and what it fully means- you can live an amazing life of victory. When you 'get' what Christ did you for... for only you and you and know through every fiber of your being that his grace is sufficient for you... it's a life that's come full circle. Grace isn't about what we do or how we can make ourselves better. In fact it's the complete opposite and knowing that I am simply not enough and that I on my own will never be. It's the undeserved, unmerited favor that Christ bestows on me and makes me enough. Grace is simply that- amazing.

I can't promise I won't have bad days (and I know who's reading this and laughing right now) and I can't promise that I might forget at times. It just happens. Things creep up, the right people say the wrong thing and it sends you into overdrive. I can say that it's no longer what my life is made of. I don't live in a constant defeat or in a life where I just simply want everything to change. Happiness is a good thing and God doesn't desire us to be miserable! Many times I've been on the free throw line of life and missed my two shots. Sometimes I've missed one and made one sending it into a grueling overtime. I'm pretty happy to say this time I sunk them both (not without a few helping hands *smiles*). Full circle... me? Who would have ever thought? :)

My Life

It's been a really long time since I've updated my blog... as I've been reminded by my best friend! I almost don't know where to begin, but in the time I haven't been writing I have really been able to reflect on my life and the amazing changes that have happened in the last year. The one thing that continues to amaze me is how we allow past situations to dictate our future decisions. I'm not talking about learning from mistakes because I know all too well how important that is. I mean the simple idea that if someone breaks our heart, we guard it with our life because we believe the next person will break it. If someone let us down, instead of giving someone the benefit of the doubt, we then assume the next person we meet will in turn, let us down as well. I think I could be the poster child for this cycle of living. Recently, it almost got the best of me.


I think I did more 'living' in one year of my life than most do in a lifetime. I've always been the type of person that dives right in. It's never about the consequence for me. The risk is always worth it. It's not about what my choice will bring in 2 days... it's about the moment the choice is made, and the thrill of it right then. I don't plan, and frankly it gives me the hives! I like to be spontaneous... often to a fault. The particular year of my life was destructive, dangerous and most importantly full of let downs. The more dangerous it was, the more I wanted it and the more destructive, the harder I would try to make it happen. A challenge was exactly what I was looking for and I found many of them. I was surrounded by a lifestyle that I truly believe had I continued to live in it, would have killed me. If there's anything this time in my life taught me... it was that you can't trust anyone.



I spent most of my time after I got straightened out wondering one simple question: "Why didn't anyone care enough to get me out?". I couldn't fathom seeing someone living like I was and turning the other way... pretending like it wasn't happening or like everything was ok. I didn't get how people could say they cared, but continued to watch me destroy my life. It made me question my loyalty to my family, my friends and my church family. I felt like no one cared because I got treated worse when I did change, than when I was living a negative lifestyle. I felt alone, rejected and broken. I felt better physically than I had in months because I was no longer harming my body, but the pain I felt on the inside was like something I can't even describe. It's like fighting to get to the top of the water... you can see it, but you just can't quite make it. It was in one word: horrific. Trust wasn't at the top of my list and in fact, I just stop trusting altogether. I figured everyone was the same and all I wanted is for someone to prove to me that they all aren't the same. It was a battle I fought with myself... I wanted someone to be different, but yet I didn't because if I found someone was, I'd have to trust again. I tried to stand up for myself, prove to those that didn't believe me that I was a different person and that I had changed. Some days it was just easier to prove them right... easier to prove to them I was exactly what they thought I was and to my never ending shame, too many times I did.



Needless to say, this was a bit of a dark period. It shaped who I became and I lived in the shadow of it. I couldn't see beyond it to know that it didn't define me. To see that God had a better plan for my life and didn't desire for me to live in the shame of who I had been. My simple and very grown up solution for anytime I felt threatened was to run. Take off and run in the complete other direction. Very mature for my 24 year old self. It was easier to be alone and not trusting than it would be for me to actually open up to someone, give that part of myself away and be vulnerable. Running the other direction was always a better alternative than trusting. I almost really screwed up recently. I was more afraid of being hurt again than I was afraid of losing what could be the best thing that had ever happened to me. My risk in that moment was worth the lifetime of consequences it could have cost me. I would love to say that I came to my senses quickly and realized how stupid I was being. No, as I sit here smiling about it... I didn't. It took my very patient and loving best friend to knock me over the head and say 'Hello... you're running again. Remember that person you don't want to be anymore? You're being her!'.



Fortunately, I listened and slowly but surely I'm learning to trust again. I'm learning that not everyone is the same and just because people have hurt me in the past doesn't mean I have to right to hold against people that haven't. It is such a never ending battle. I have to constantly remind myself of who I really am... and that trust is a good thing! It's ok to count on people and that God gives us ones to count on. I can't say that I'll never get hurt again or that those close to me won't let me down because I'm betting they will... the same way I'll let them down. The best part is that I know the one who won't let me down. If I continue to place my faith and my focus on Jesus, the let downs will seem far less important. He has promised me He will never leave or forsake me and that trust is always something I can put in Him.

An all too familiar place

I ended up there this weekend. I found myself caught in the middle of a situation I had promised myself I'd never be in again. For a few hours, I felt contentment and solace in that old place. I remembered who I was and the last time I'd truly felt defined by something. Maybe it wasn't a good thing... but it was something. I knew I shouldn't be there and I knew I'd pay the consequences for it, but in that little time, I didn't care. The good news is I finally came to my senses. I picked myself up out of the situation and ran like mad... the bad news is I never should have been there and I know it. Something I'd worked so hard not be, I became again so quickly. The other bad news, is the power of Satan's seduction and our danger if we don't know it exists.

Satan's seduction is one of the most powerful things I've ever felt in my life. The effects are harmful and too many times deadly. Sometimes he hits you when you least expect it, sometimes he hits you when you're expecting it the most, but I can assure you... he will most certainly hit you when you think you're strong enough to handle it on your own. In the times when you feel invincible... in those moments you feel confident in your own strength and put the Savior's at a safe distance. Satan maneuvers and manipulates every single weakness we have in hopes for us to fall flat on our face. You see as Christians, he can never take our salvation and he knows he can never have us... but he makes it his job to make us fall whenever he can and cause us to lose a testimony we worked so desperately to combat. It takes months, even years to change your life from old habits and approximately 30 seconds to get back into it. That's the evil beauty of seduction. The enemy doesn't seduce us with something we hate or something that doesn't tempt us... he chooses our sinful natures desires... those things we at times so long to be apart of.

The beauty of this story is that it doesn't matter what I did last weekend or what I'll do next weekend... God's redeeming power is so much bigger than it all. I am enough because he was first enough and I can rest in him because His power is perfect in my weakness. His grace IS sufficient for me. It has, it is, and it always will be. We (I) think that by admitting we have weaknesses, it makes me weak. If we stay away from our temptations and weaknesses then that means we don't have big enough faith, when in reality, what if God is trying to teach us to lean on Him in everything and that it is perhaps not my job to 'prove' I can 'handle the pressure'? I so often feel that my Christianity is about 'proving' this or 'proving' that when it's not. What if it's just about admitting I'm weak... so He can make me strong?

One of my favorite authors, Beth Moore, has a great book out titled "Get Out of the Pit". I'd like to share a portion of it with you. Beth is telling a story about how she began receiving Barbies... a cute story of a little girl that brought her barbies to church and they would make them raise their hands in praise so ever since then people have given her barbies...

This most recent Barbie was dressed like me (hip, I hope, but alas, modest). She had a makeshift bible in one hand (appeared to be a King James) while the other was stretched decisively heavenward. This doll had one inadvertent similarity to me that overrode all the others. It even made up for the gross age discrepancy that no one seemed willing to acknowledge. One of Barbie's feet had been gnawed right off at the calf. The group extended their regrets, of course, explaining that the family dog of the original owner had gotten hold of the doll the day before they left. They were understandably disappointed but decided the doll was, by and large, no worse for the wear.
I stared at the Barbie for a minute. She looked so strange at first. So well coiffed, so fitted for her calling, and yet she had a gnawed-off foot. Then I nodded. Not to anyone else really. Just to God. Well, maybe also to Barbie. Though the group didn't know it, they'd hit the nail right on the head, or maybe the leg right on the stump. That was me all right.
No, I don't have a missing leg, but if you could see me with your spiritual eyes, surely at least one of my legs is gnawed off at the knee. Ephesians 4:27 warns, "Do not give the devil a foothold." Uh, too late. Satan has wounded me, but he hasn't devoured me. He got the leg, but he's never gotten the thigh, though goodness knows he wanted it. I may walk with a spiritual limp, but thanks to God, who holds me up and urges me to lean on Him, at least I can walk. So can you. Walk away from that pit before it's the death of you.

Satan has wounded me... oh too many times, but he hasn't and won't devour me. I do walk with a spiritual limp and some days, it just plain hurts. I can get up from here and I can walk on, limping, but walking and when I fall or slip, my Savior picks me up and guides me as I rest on Him. It's usually never the easy thing, but it's the hard thing. Satan's lies are just that... lies. We give him far too much material to work with, but be aware. There's an enemy out there and he wants more than a foot... he wants it all and will stop at nothing to get it. I have be wounded, but by God's grace and redeeming love... I can get up and do the next thing right and never again... be caught in that familiar place.

To Our Knees

I've been thinking a lot about prayer lately... maybe I should be doing more of it rather than just thinking about it :-). For some reason I was reminded of when I was in high school and after every basketball game our team would circle around center court, hold hands and recite the Lord's Prayer. Now when I say recite I mean say it at the speed of light. You've never in your life seen a prayer said so quickly! In my memory of it I was actually laughing all by myself because it was just ridiculous. We said it as quickly and painlessly as we could... ready to move on. It made me wonder how often we do that in our own lives. Prayer isn't about our time to talk to God... it's how quick and painless can we make it? I think we forget that the Lord's Prayer... is our 'Dummies Guide' to how to pray. I want to break it down and take a look at it... and see how Jesus laid it out there for us.

Our Father, which art in Heaven,
Hallowed by thy name.

Jesus starts the prayer with 'Our Father'. Not 'my' Father, not 'your' Father... 'our' Father. He quickly puts ourselves in the same boat as he is. He makes it as though he is equal to us as Children of God. Instead of calling him 'God' or something of that sort, he uses the phrase 'Father'... he makes it so personal. Next, Jesus says 'hallowed' be thy name. Webster's dictionary says hallowed means to hold sacred or to be holy. Jesus reminds us that in the simple name of God... He's holy and we are to claim that and remember that He is just that. We so flippantly call him 'Father' and we claim his name to be holy, but when it's inconvenient for us to uphold that... we let it slip to the side.

Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done.
On earth as it is in heaven.

Ok, yeah... because we really mean this one. Be honest with me for a second. How many of you have said these 3 little lines and not meant it a bit more than a man in the moon? I certainly have! Many times. When I say it what I mean is... "Ok, so I want your will done, God, but how about your will be my will?". We always want what we want when we want it. And why shouldn't we? Everything else in the world is that way. We can get it anyway we want it. We forget that the entire point of our existence is to glorify God... to makes fishers of men... to advance the cause. When will we truly fall on our face and desire His will be done... regardless of my own selfish ambitions?

Give us this day our daily bread.

So I'm gonna leave this one by itself because the kicker's coming up. Take a moment to breath :)

Forgive us our trespasses.
As we forgive those who trespass against us.

So I love this one. I almost find it humorous in a weird sort of way. Please know I'm condemning no one, but only writing this out of complete personal experience! We beg, plead and cry for God to forgive us. We pour out our souls and just expect Him to do it... but in the same exact breath we're screaming 'Did you see what she did to me?'. I can't even tell you how many times I've flippantly prayed this one. I expect forgiveness, but can't in turn let go of what so and so said about me. I just can't 'let it go' because it hurt so bad. The moment of realization comes when you see a sinless man hanging from a blood stained cross and quickly remember... He let it go. *ouch*

And lead us not into temptation;
But deliver us from evil.

This one always gets me, too... how many times are we begging God to save us from evil and help us flee from the schemes of the evil one, but we're following the lead of the wrong one?

For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory.
For ever and ever. Amen.

I love how he ends and begins giving sole glory to God. He begins with calling Him Father... claiming his name to be holy and ends with giving it all back to him. For EVERYTHING is yours Lord... everything.

Growing up, I always felt like there wasn't much I could learn from the Lord's Prayer. I felt it was just something you said that everyone knew. There wasn't much meaning to it and it was rather repetitive. When I started looking closer into it, I picked out so many pieces I could use for my own prayer life. We so often forget about our prayer lives. We say whatever we feel like at the time and forget the meaning in what we are saying. We cry out for the pain of the world when some days we should simply be crying out for the pain of ourselves. We find weakness in coming to God broken or without it all together. That's what he wants!!! He wants us broken because HE wants to be the one to put us back together. He wants that shambled heart we bring him so HE can be the glue that forms it back. We give Him so little credit. We make him our last resort when He should be our first. We make Him the least when he should be the most. When will we just realize that all He wants is us.... Unveiled faces falling to our knees in the holiness and majesty of Him. Desiring to know Him through and through and not just getting through it as quickly as we can.

Advance the Cause

My best friend was sharing with me something her pastor said in his sermon. He told his congregation that Jesus said 'I trust you to advance the cause'. Wow. I really had to think about it for a second when she told me. I've actually been thinking about it all day since I heard it. Isn't it so true, though? Isn't that the entire purpose of our existence? I mean I know we have other responsibilities and things God desires for us to accomplish, but our main goal and focus in life should be to simply 'advance the cause'. I feel like as Christians we so often miss the boat of our purpose. We lose sight of the fact that we are commanded to reach the lost... we do have a mission field. We get so caught up in the 'this church does this, this church does that' or arguing about doctorinal issues, and we make it much more difficult than we have to. Jesus has entrusted us with so much... He has put the responsibility in our hands with the hope and trust that we will carry it out. We have the knowledge and understanding of something so powerful yet so simple at the same time. It's the message of grace. Our cause for living and our reason for getting up in the morning. It's a simple message of a Savior's love. A love so deep that would put an innocent man on the cross for our sins... that he would bear the weight of the entire world and die a painful death. Only to be buried and by God's miraculous power, be raised from the dead 3 days later and give us the eternal hope for a life lived in redeeming love and conquering grace. It's more than a bedtime story or a good fable. It was real and it happened and it should make us live our lives differently. We should be forever changed because of it and stop living like it doesn't make a difference. You see... it's not about what church is wrong for singing this or not singing that... it's not about the debate of who's right or who's wrong. It's a simple matter of being trusted with a truth so great it can change lives. Life is simply about advancing that truth... the truth that is the cause of everything we do and everything we are... a truth and a cause worth dying for. For to whom much is given, much will be required. You have been entrusted with something great... I trust you will advance the cause... are you ready?

at the end of the day

There are so many times I sit and wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn't made certain choices or if I'd done things differently. I think if we're all honest with ourselves then we've all been there. I read a book recently that made a startling point. In the book the author was talking to her husband about a horrific experience he'd had as a child. He asked her what she thought he might have been like if he hadn't gone through that and he'd not made bad choices. She says God gave her the words she responded with and she said 'You're a much neater person healed than you would have ever been well.'. I keep wondering the same thing. What would I be like if that hadn't happened? Who would I be? The point is I don't know who I'd be and in fact I barely know who I am now... but my God does. He didn't make me well for a reason... he healed me. How much stronger have I become because of it? I feel so weak, but oh isn't that the point? For when I am weak, then I am strong. For His power is perfected in my weakness. Could I have ever given my all, my complete trust to God if I had been well? I'd like to think I couldn't have... that it took a wound... and it took Him to heal it. You can't get to the mountaintops from another mountaintop. You get to it from the valley. I know a few things... if I hadn't gone through what I did I'd have never met 1 of the closest friends I have right now. I thought of this today and it was mind blowing. I wondered why I'm where I am... why I have to go through this and I was so quickly reminded of all the blessings God gave me because of what I went through. My other family, the Coscia's that he put back into my life... the group of amazing people from my Tres Dias family and my incredible friend Suz. It took my valley for all that to happen. I do not have all the answers and as that wise friend reminded me, I don't have to right now! God's timing is just that... His. I know he is in control of my life and he holds the time table. Days will still be hard and some days will just plain suck, but I have some special special people there to hold my hand and walk beside me and I have my creator... that knows every hair on my head. I don't know why I am where I am or why I feel 'lost'... but He does... and at the end of the day... that's really all that matters.

Alone in a crowded room...

Have you ever been there? You are in a room surrounded by many people, but you just feel so completely alone. I don't know what my deal is, but I've been sitting there the past couple of days. Nothing completely tragic has happened or any major event that should have triggered this, but I just feel it... right in the pit of my stomach. Don't get me wrong... I've met some very great people here and I have a couple of friends that I would really like to get to know on deeper levels, but work schedules and school schedules seem to prohibit that from happening as often as I'd like. There's no real point to this blog... I guess just a vent session. We all need those sometimes. My whole plan to be funny from now on didn't seem to work so well. I know God has me here for a reason. I know he has a great plan for my life and I know he needs me to stay here for now or he wouldn't have allowed me to get a second job so easily. He totally orchestrated that one. I just feel so lost up here. I thought I came to find out who I was, but a part of me feels like I'm more lost than when I came. Sure I got some things right and I fixed some problems that I'd had, but I wonder if I'm falling back into the same pattern. Am I still allowing the enemy to torment me in all the same ways? When will what I do ever just be enough? Do I get close to people, but not too close? I just don't feel like I "fit". Maybe I don't, but maybe a part of me doesn't want to. If I "fit" does that mean I have to stay? I guess I wanted to get away from where I was so badly that I just assumed here would be all the answers... I would figure it all out and start my whole new life and be happy. It's not been quite the fairytale I planned. I guess nothing is really supposed to be. Am I making it worse than it is? It's like that feeling when you're trying so hard to get your head above water... you've fought and fought and you finally begin to see the top. You think you'll never be able to breathe again, but by the grace of God your face reaches the surface and you take a breath, but a wave immediately crashes back down on you... and your pushed again... even further down. I don't know what the answer is or when I'll ever figure it out or even what the point of this blog was other than to strictly vent it all out. Well, it's vented, and perhaps never should have been blogged about, but maybe you're there. Maybe you feel that way and those special people in your life either aren't there when you thought they'd be or they are 1200 miles away. Some days it just gets to me. Maybe it's because Carolina lost tonight :) or maybe it's because of some personal things I'm dealing with... but it's where I am tonight. The good news is I know the One person that has the answers. The Kings of Kings and the Lord of Lords knows my every need and my every desire... and that's the reason I get to keep on going... alone in a crowded room or not.

A little reminder...

I don't know about you, but I certainly need a reminder today:

My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over and so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.
2 Cor 12:9-10

"I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift." I don't know where you are or what has happened in your life but I know where I've been today and I need the reminder. I've been handicapped... one too many times and today was one of those days. I need to appreciate the gift and remember I'm just a girl in need of a Savior... and when I let him take over... the weaker I get... the stronger I become. My God is ready, willing and able... but am I ready, willing and able to hand it over to Him? Seems to be a recurring theme in my life!

Look- a squirrel!

A group of my most holiest friends were together this weekend. We had a blast together and laughed til my sides hurt (they are still a lil sore). These girls are the best and I'll never forget some of the memories we made.

While we were together we began talking about a rather popular subject for Christian woman... the Mary vs. Martha saga. Now I have always been a firm believer that Mary was just plain lazy. Martha was doing all the work and Mary just sat around. We came up with many scenarios of why we thought Martha gets it a little too hard and Mary just gets off easy. For starters, Jesus seemed to always be at Martha's house. Why? Probably because Mary's was a disaster from her laziness. 1 of my closest friends decided that Mary was also a thief. When she saw our bewildered faces she continued on to say that there was no way Mary could have afforded an expensive perfume by sitting around all the time and she certainly had to have stolen it from Martha who actually did some work. (I don't know if anyone else is laughing, but this was hilarious to me... maybe you had to be there). The last and final conclusion we came to (which is my very favorite) is that Martha could have been ADD. What if the poor girl was sitting listening to Jesus and was distracted by everything? Can't you see it? Jesus is talking and Martha's twiddling her thumbs... she darts her head to the left and exclaims, 'LOOK! It's a squirrel' and jumps up completely distracted. That's funny right there... I don't care who you are.

If you know me well, then you know I mean no disrespect to anything written or to any of these people of the Bible. It was a fun time and we had a blast turning the tides on the Martha vs. Mary saga. I think that's the point sometimes. We get so wrapped up in theology or in the seriousness of the scriptures that we forget to have fun. We think we can have fun, but we have to go away from God to do it. Don't get me wrong... I believe they should be respected and we should be serious about them sometimes, but there are days we just need to laugh. Days we need to decide that today I'm going to say Martha was ADD and today I'm going to decide that I don't have to be Mary all the time. I think we concentrate so much on trying to be 1 person or the other that we tend to forget who we are. We think God was never funny or that he's serious all the time. It's not true!! God is hilarious!! He told me so :) There are times when we need to be serious and sit before the throne of God in reverence, but there are days when I need to pull up a chair beside him with my best girlfriends and joke and laugh with him til my sides hurt and scream, 'Look! It's a squirrel!!'.

One of those days...

I had recently decided that I was just going to write funny things on my blog. I feel like there's enough serious stuff out there and I could just write things that would hopefully make people laugh. Well not today. It was one of those days where you feel like the world is against you and around every corner, it's just one more thing. I felt totally ambushed today. There weren't catastrophic things going or anything that was really a huge deal... it was just things that really hurt my feelings or bothered me.

Wednesday night is my bible study and play basketball night. I've been tired and I have a lot of packing to do so I really wasn't looking forward to going (to bible study that is... of course I wanted to play basketball). I decided I would go anyway because of course I would get something out of it. You won't believe what the lesson was on... it was titled 'He'll Raise Me Up'. Uh huh. I sat there with one of those you-have-totally-got-to-be-kidding-me looks with my mouth falling to the floor. It's like God really knows what we're going through *insert shocked expression* One of these days I'll give God a little more credit.

I don't have anything long and profound today (probably no different than normal). I don't have a big shocking piece of info, but I have my experience. Sometimes we hurt... sometimes the smallest little thing can completely shake our world and make us feel like we are nothing. Today was that day for me. Nothing completely terrible happened and I should probably be shot for even complaining about what went wrong in my world, but it just hurt. I hurt and God knew it. God put a friend available for a 52 minute (yes, I looked) phone conversation at a time she's not normally available to talk. God gave me a bible study that didn't matter if anyone else was in the room, it was just for me.

We think we have to go to God all put together. When we've got it all lined up and we're dressed right we decide that's when we tell God, "Ok... here I am. I'm dressed and ready to go. I'm laying my life down at your altar... now raise me up, please." I think if we're honest, we've never got it all together. God wants us broken. He wants us when we are at the end of the rope because in that moment... the moment we feel like we can't take another step for if we do then we will surely die... that's the moment we know we cannot do this on our own and we will never be able to. We need Him. And in the midst of that despairing cry and the act of laying my life down on His altar... He will raise me up. Maybe something like His power is perfected in my weakness. Just a thought...

Home

The last few weeks have been very long. I could contribute it to the cold weather and the snow or to the lack of sunshine... but I know it's something else. It's that feeling you get when you can't wait for something that's coming and it feels like it will NEVER get here. Well my something's coming!! In a week I'm going HOME!!

I am so stinkin' excited about going home I can barely stand it! In 1 week I will board a plane in South Bend and a few nerve-racking hours later, I will arrive safely at my very warm home in Florida. I'm so ready to see my family. I'm ready to hug my parents and brother and hold on tight. I'm ready to go sit with my brother and talk for hours at our local coffee shop. I'm ready to see so many wonderful friends (Hi Suz *waving*) and catch up. I'm so anxious to serve on my first Tres Dias weekend and see all the wonderful things God has in store. I'm also ready to just sit back, relax and have a little catch up time with God.

When I sit back for a second and think about how excited I am about going home, it completely floors me. You see, a few short months ago, I never wanted to go back to my home in Florida, much less be excited about a visit. I am amazed and in awe of the healing power God possesses. If you don't believe he's in the healing business just take my word for it... he is. He has the ability and power to change lives and transform hearts. He can mend the broken and soften the hard. God has done an amazing, incredible thing in my family and the list could go on and on. I'm humbled at the work he's done and the forgiveness and healing he has allowed to take place. God is ready, willing and able... are you ready to ask him for big things?

Oh, and I'm not sure if you've heard... I'M GOING HOME!!!!!!

Out of the Pit...

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord.
Psalm 40:1-3

Have you been to the pit? I have... many times. I've camped out there, I've been miserable there, I've cried there and I've absolutely thought I would die there. It's takes a lot to get out of it. It's never something you can do alone. God's pulled me out more times than I can count and used some really great people in my life to help me of other others. I know someone else who's spent time in the pit (if we're all honest then most of us certainly have)... my brother. The good news... he's no longer there.

My brother is only 15 months younger than I am. More times than not we felt like twins. We were close in age and close in attitude. We were both usually in trouble for different things. Aaron was hard-headed and would do the same thing over and over and I was manipulative and would find new ways to do whatever it was and still get in trouble. We played hard on teams with each other and even harder against each other. No matter how much we fought or how angry we would be at one another... if there was 1 person I could always believe would be on my side, it was him.

I can't even explain to you how honored I am to have the brother I have. He's been there for me and stood up for me at times no one else was there. He's been my biggest cheerleader and my most loyal fan. We don't always see eye to eye, but when it comes to pushing me along, it never seems to matter. You see, Aaron and I have both been in the pit. We've lived and breathed the pit, but we've both gotten out. I can't tell you how proud I am of my brother's fight to get out of the pit. I could go on and on about the difficulties he has faced in his life and the situations he's overcome to get out of it. He's fought tooth and nail to get where he is today and it's my turn to be his cheerleader. I'm so incredibly humbled to know him and even more honored to call him my brother. He's an amazing person and a witness and example for all. I love you, Aaron and I am SO very thankful for you... you are my hero.

Let's get real

I went to a Beth Moore conference this past weekend. Hands down she is my favorite women's speaker. She's actually my favorite speaker period... just don't tell my dad that! This weekend she spoke on friendships. The first night was friendship with man and the morning after was friendship with God. She certainly rocked my boat.

Combined with the weekend, studying notes I'd taken down and re-reading scriptures she gave, I've come to several conclusions. Not only do we not know how to be friends to one another we have no idea how to be a friend of God. We settle for the mediocre life of feeling like God is only there to 'tell us what to do' and that he's not there to be a friend. We don't treat him as such and most of the time we don't want him as that. Of course because being a friend means we have to be close, we have to be vulnerable. If we lived more like God was our true friend, how much freedom could we experience?

I love how the message states 2 Corinthians 3:16-18:

Whenever, though, they turn to face God as Moses did, God removes the veil and there they are—face-to-face! They suddenly recognize that God is a living, personal presence, not a piece of chiseled stone. And when God is personally present, a living Spirit, that old, constricting legislation is recognized as obsolete. We're free of it! All of us! Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of his face. And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him.

We come to God with veiled faces. He's there... right next to us. Face to face with us desiring an intimate, meaningful relationship and begging us to take the veil down so he can look into our eyes, but we don't. We're scared or we're vulnerable or were just too stinkin' proud. We can't live in the freedom and the liberty God has called us to because we're too busy with this thing in front of our lives. We cover up our real selves and no one really knows who we are... since we're either ashamed of it or we're just too scared. When Jesus died on the cross God ripped the veil. We respond to that by putting up a veil of our own. I use 'we' because I'm right there... I live that life of having a veil up in front of God. I think I'm pretty tired of it. I'm tired of pretending to be something I'm not with God. I can be real with everyone else, but God's a different story. Like he doesn't already know who I am! It gets old... living with a veiled face when I need to just get real and honest. I need to rip it down... tear it off, grab God by the face, put our foreheads together and look straight in his eyes and declare, "It's gone. I've ripped it down and I'm ready... ready to get real."

That's My Girl

My girls basketball team had a tournament this past weekend. I was really nervous about it because we have only had 1 other game and only a few practices because of weather, etc. I wasn't sure how the girls would do and I was honestly very apprehensive about the entire weekend. Had I prepared them enough? Did I teach them the right things? Do they understand what I've taught them? If you know much about me at all... I hate to lose.

I couldn't have been more proud of them. The girls completely stepped up and proved they were ready to win and ready to play. We won two games and lost 1. We only lost the 1 game by 1 point to the team that won the tournament... we came into the tournament as the last seed. Of course I had my moments of shaking my head because they would forget what I had taught them or not do what they knew they should... then I would have to call a timeout and remind them how they should play or remind them where they should go at a certain time. I had to remind them at times they could do this and they had the talent. I had to individually tell a couple of my players that I knew they could do it, but they had to know they could. In the end, the girls came out on top and proved so much to themselves and to me. I found myself so proud to say those girls were my team. I looked out at them when they would score a basket or do something great and I found myself so thrilled to say 'those were my girls'.

I got to thinking about it on the ride home. It reminded me so much of my relationship with God. He's my coach... he tells me what I need to do and shows me the 'ropes'. I have moments when I'm playing this game of life and I completely and totally forget everything I've learned. I screw up somehow and I lose track of everything. My Father shakes his head and rubs his hand through his hair... he calls a timeout and reminds me of who I am... he reminds me I can do it and shows me the play again and where I should be. He is right by my side cheering me on. He grabs me by the face and looks at me in the eyes. He lets me know I am his and that I have all the ability in the world to do this thing called life because he's been my coach. When I do something right God can sit back and with his head raised high and his chest swelling with pride. He looks out and says 'that's my girl'.

Mercy Came Running...

Wednesday night is my bible study night. I was annoyed tonight. I was upset because I felt like a lady really attacked another lady pouring out her heart about an issue that she's dealing with. I felt like this other lady was just way out of line and it really made me angry. I called my friend on the way home and ended up kind of 'going off' about it. After my rant and a few laughs from my friend, I told her bible study was great tonight... it was on mercy. She quickly says, 'Yeah, I can tell'. Ouch.

It took all of about 5 minutes for my humanity to rear its ugly head. I'd spent an hour and 15 minutes in a bible study talking all about mercy and God's gift to us that we truly don't deserve. I get out and I'm immediately condemning someone else. I was more worried about what this other lady was doing and judging her for her comments... rather than extending the mercy I had just learned about. It's sad... sad and embarrassing to admit, but so like me.

Contrary to what you may think, I did learn a lot about mercy tonight. I've been extended mercy so many times in my life. Mercy is a humbling experience. One that can only be truly learned and appreciated by actually walking through it. I love the definition of mercy Angela Thomas uses: 'When God puts a crown of beauty on the head of a woman that's only known ashes... that's mercy'. In Isaiah 61:2 God says he will trade my ashes for a crown of beauty. There aren't many situations more humbling than that. Often times we feel like we don't 'deserve' the mercy and feel guilty for having it. That's the point isn't it? It's not mercy if we deserve it. Wikipedia's definition is 'compassion or relief given to an undeserving recipient'. I don't know about you... but it doesn't get anymore undeserving than me. God gives so freely what I do not deserve. Not only does he give it to me, but I'm commanded to give it to others. I didn't extend mercy tonight. I was upset and angry at this woman for attacking another and while I did have mercy on one of the women, I judged the other quickly. God will never ask me to extend more mercy than he's already given to me. Double ouch.

Meekness

I mentioned early I've been doing a bible study. In this study, Angela Thomas uses the Sermon on the Mount as a basis for her teaching. Of course out of the Sermon on the Mount... comes The Beatitudes. Tonight's lesson was on meekness. *Shocker*... it was just for me.

I've always wondered who in their right mind would want to be meek? I understand some people are like that, but who honestly just truly sets out to be meek?! I've always been an athlete, competitive and striving to be better. I want to stand out, be strong and confident. After all... isn't the definition of meek - weak? Meek means lack of strength or that you have no confidence or no backbone. I mean, I know God knows best, but is inheriting the earth really worth all that? Who do I have to become to inherit these things?

Well tonight I found out how much I really know. It boils down to a big fat not very much. I realized meek means 'well acquainted with your own flaws'. Meek is realizing that I'll never be enough and that I'll always need a Savior to complete me. It's about knowing it's just me... being humbled by that and in that moment, it's when Jesus can step in with his strength and give the blessing. Sound familiar? A favored scripture comes to mind... his strength is perfected in my weakness.

Meek doesn't mean I am weak. I've become too accustomed to wanting to shine in what I do or trying to find some glory in who I am. I want recognition or to cover my own flaws because showing I'm any less than perfect makes me appear weak in others eyes and there are days I think there couldn't be anything worse than that. I want to always appear put together and I want others to think I've just got it under control when most days I'm screaming inside. Meekness means all that's gone. The worry, the cover up, the 'fake'. When I am meek I'm comfortable with my flaws and my weakness, because in that comfort, I come to realize that I'm just a girl... a girl trying to get from one day to the next... a girl who knows she's not enough and knows nothing she can do will ever measure up... simply... a girl in need of a Savior.