If you've ever played a sport or run a race you know what I'm talking about. (My non-sports people, hang in there! I haven't forgotten you.) It's that moment when sweat is pouring down your face and your muscles are screaming from exhaustion. There's no time on the clock and you are down by 1 point. You get fouled and you get two free throws. You sink them both and win the game... full circle. If you're running a race and you see the finish line. You think you can't possibly run anymore and that moment your body kicks in with a surge of energy that sends you past the leader and across that line... full circle. Maybe for you it's looking for that perfect pair of shoes. You look in every store you can think of and search all day. You walk into Nordstrom 10 minutes before they close and you see them, in your size - on the sale rack... full circle. You know what I'm talking about and you know the feeling. It's addictive... and what you truly want for your life.
It's no secret I've had a rough last couple years. I've talked enough about it and won't beat a dead horse. I have come to a complete full circle in my life and it's an incredible feeling. There comes a point when you do so many things wrong... you just want to do something right. Not only do you want to do it, you want someone to notice you did it. Now I won't say I haven't done a few things right in the past couple years, but my rights were plagued with continued wrongs that seemed to cancel out the good stuff. I sit here in my apartment, that 3 months ago I hated, in a town I swore I'd never like... smiling because life is pretty good. Don't mistake that I miss many things about my home so much, but I'm content now. I have a church that I think is incredible, I have a boyfriend I don't deserve and I have friends I would fight the world to keep. God has blessed me in so many incredible ways. I sit here in complete awe of what a bad place I was in... in only such a short time ago. I feel like I've finally started to turn things around and that things are going right. I'm not in a fighting battle with myself to prove to anyone I'm as bad as they think. I'm not defined by anyone but my Lord and Savior. There are days it's an absolute battle to fight and someone close to me will say something hurtful and I'm thrown back into that web of misunderstanding and hurt, but thank God I've got people in my life that pick me back up... people that love me and understand me... that love me for exactly who I am- not what they want me to be.
I would be a fool to leave out the major part of coming full circle. It's simply understanding God's grace. When you can embrace the entire idea of grace and what it fully means- you can live an amazing life of victory. When you 'get' what Christ did you for... for only you and you and know through every fiber of your being that his grace is sufficient for you... it's a life that's come full circle. Grace isn't about what we do or how we can make ourselves better. In fact it's the complete opposite and knowing that I am simply not enough and that I on my own will never be. It's the undeserved, unmerited favor that Christ bestows on me and makes me enough. Grace is simply that- amazing.
I can't promise I won't have bad days (and I know who's reading this and laughing right now) and I can't promise that I might forget at times. It just happens. Things creep up, the right people say the wrong thing and it sends you into overdrive. I can say that it's no longer what my life is made of. I don't live in a constant defeat or in a life where I just simply want everything to change. Happiness is a good thing and God doesn't desire us to be miserable! Many times I've been on the free throw line of life and missed my two shots. Sometimes I've missed one and made one sending it into a grueling overtime. I'm pretty happy to say this time I sunk them both (not without a few helping hands *smiles*). Full circle... me? Who would have ever thought? :)
Monday, June 18, 2007
Friday, June 8, 2007
My Life
It's been a really long time since I've updated my blog... as I've been reminded by my best friend! I almost don't know where to begin, but in the time I haven't been writing I have really been able to reflect on my life and the amazing changes that have happened in the last year. The one thing that continues to amaze me is how we allow past situations to dictate our future decisions. I'm not talking about learning from mistakes because I know all too well how important that is. I mean the simple idea that if someone breaks our heart, we guard it with our life because we believe the next person will break it. If someone let us down, instead of giving someone the benefit of the doubt, we then assume the next person we meet will in turn, let us down as well. I think I could be the poster child for this cycle of living. Recently, it almost got the best of me.
I think I did more 'living' in one year of my life than most do in a lifetime. I've always been the type of person that dives right in. It's never about the consequence for me. The risk is always worth it. It's not about what my choice will bring in 2 days... it's about the moment the choice is made, and the thrill of it right then. I don't plan, and frankly it gives me the hives! I like to be spontaneous... often to a fault. The particular year of my life was destructive, dangerous and most importantly full of let downs. The more dangerous it was, the more I wanted it and the more destructive, the harder I would try to make it happen. A challenge was exactly what I was looking for and I found many of them. I was surrounded by a lifestyle that I truly believe had I continued to live in it, would have killed me. If there's anything this time in my life taught me... it was that you can't trust anyone.
I spent most of my time after I got straightened out wondering one simple question: "Why didn't anyone care enough to get me out?". I couldn't fathom seeing someone living like I was and turning the other way... pretending like it wasn't happening or like everything was ok. I didn't get how people could say they cared, but continued to watch me destroy my life. It made me question my loyalty to my family, my friends and my church family. I felt like no one cared because I got treated worse when I did change, than when I was living a negative lifestyle. I felt alone, rejected and broken. I felt better physically than I had in months because I was no longer harming my body, but the pain I felt on the inside was like something I can't even describe. It's like fighting to get to the top of the water... you can see it, but you just can't quite make it. It was in one word: horrific. Trust wasn't at the top of my list and in fact, I just stop trusting altogether. I figured everyone was the same and all I wanted is for someone to prove to me that they all aren't the same. It was a battle I fought with myself... I wanted someone to be different, but yet I didn't because if I found someone was, I'd have to trust again. I tried to stand up for myself, prove to those that didn't believe me that I was a different person and that I had changed. Some days it was just easier to prove them right... easier to prove to them I was exactly what they thought I was and to my never ending shame, too many times I did.
Needless to say, this was a bit of a dark period. It shaped who I became and I lived in the shadow of it. I couldn't see beyond it to know that it didn't define me. To see that God had a better plan for my life and didn't desire for me to live in the shame of who I had been. My simple and very grown up solution for anytime I felt threatened was to run. Take off and run in the complete other direction. Very mature for my 24 year old self. It was easier to be alone and not trusting than it would be for me to actually open up to someone, give that part of myself away and be vulnerable. Running the other direction was always a better alternative than trusting. I almost really screwed up recently. I was more afraid of being hurt again than I was afraid of losing what could be the best thing that had ever happened to me. My risk in that moment was worth the lifetime of consequences it could have cost me. I would love to say that I came to my senses quickly and realized how stupid I was being. No, as I sit here smiling about it... I didn't. It took my very patient and loving best friend to knock me over the head and say 'Hello... you're running again. Remember that person you don't want to be anymore? You're being her!'.
Fortunately, I listened and slowly but surely I'm learning to trust again. I'm learning that not everyone is the same and just because people have hurt me in the past doesn't mean I have to right to hold against people that haven't. It is such a never ending battle. I have to constantly remind myself of who I really am... and that trust is a good thing! It's ok to count on people and that God gives us ones to count on. I can't say that I'll never get hurt again or that those close to me won't let me down because I'm betting they will... the same way I'll let them down. The best part is that I know the one who won't let me down. If I continue to place my faith and my focus on Jesus, the let downs will seem far less important. He has promised me He will never leave or forsake me and that trust is always something I can put in Him.
I think I did more 'living' in one year of my life than most do in a lifetime. I've always been the type of person that dives right in. It's never about the consequence for me. The risk is always worth it. It's not about what my choice will bring in 2 days... it's about the moment the choice is made, and the thrill of it right then. I don't plan, and frankly it gives me the hives! I like to be spontaneous... often to a fault. The particular year of my life was destructive, dangerous and most importantly full of let downs. The more dangerous it was, the more I wanted it and the more destructive, the harder I would try to make it happen. A challenge was exactly what I was looking for and I found many of them. I was surrounded by a lifestyle that I truly believe had I continued to live in it, would have killed me. If there's anything this time in my life taught me... it was that you can't trust anyone.
I spent most of my time after I got straightened out wondering one simple question: "Why didn't anyone care enough to get me out?". I couldn't fathom seeing someone living like I was and turning the other way... pretending like it wasn't happening or like everything was ok. I didn't get how people could say they cared, but continued to watch me destroy my life. It made me question my loyalty to my family, my friends and my church family. I felt like no one cared because I got treated worse when I did change, than when I was living a negative lifestyle. I felt alone, rejected and broken. I felt better physically than I had in months because I was no longer harming my body, but the pain I felt on the inside was like something I can't even describe. It's like fighting to get to the top of the water... you can see it, but you just can't quite make it. It was in one word: horrific. Trust wasn't at the top of my list and in fact, I just stop trusting altogether. I figured everyone was the same and all I wanted is for someone to prove to me that they all aren't the same. It was a battle I fought with myself... I wanted someone to be different, but yet I didn't because if I found someone was, I'd have to trust again. I tried to stand up for myself, prove to those that didn't believe me that I was a different person and that I had changed. Some days it was just easier to prove them right... easier to prove to them I was exactly what they thought I was and to my never ending shame, too many times I did.
Needless to say, this was a bit of a dark period. It shaped who I became and I lived in the shadow of it. I couldn't see beyond it to know that it didn't define me. To see that God had a better plan for my life and didn't desire for me to live in the shame of who I had been. My simple and very grown up solution for anytime I felt threatened was to run. Take off and run in the complete other direction. Very mature for my 24 year old self. It was easier to be alone and not trusting than it would be for me to actually open up to someone, give that part of myself away and be vulnerable. Running the other direction was always a better alternative than trusting. I almost really screwed up recently. I was more afraid of being hurt again than I was afraid of losing what could be the best thing that had ever happened to me. My risk in that moment was worth the lifetime of consequences it could have cost me. I would love to say that I came to my senses quickly and realized how stupid I was being. No, as I sit here smiling about it... I didn't. It took my very patient and loving best friend to knock me over the head and say 'Hello... you're running again. Remember that person you don't want to be anymore? You're being her!'.
Fortunately, I listened and slowly but surely I'm learning to trust again. I'm learning that not everyone is the same and just because people have hurt me in the past doesn't mean I have to right to hold against people that haven't. It is such a never ending battle. I have to constantly remind myself of who I really am... and that trust is a good thing! It's ok to count on people and that God gives us ones to count on. I can't say that I'll never get hurt again or that those close to me won't let me down because I'm betting they will... the same way I'll let them down. The best part is that I know the one who won't let me down. If I continue to place my faith and my focus on Jesus, the let downs will seem far less important. He has promised me He will never leave or forsake me and that trust is always something I can put in Him.
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