recovery

I heard a statement the other day I thought was profound.

"If we're honest, aren't we all in recovery from something?"

As simple as it is, it's the absolute truth. We all have things we struggle with and we all have areas of our lives we are in complete detox from. Some are more obvious than others and some may view theirs as more serious. Some may manifest in drug and alcohol recovery or others may simply be from certain relationships. Whatever they are, to each individual they are as serious as the most destructive lifestyle. We think if we call it 'recovery' somehow that makes us weak. Like admitting the problem is admitting we have an issue that is too big for us to handle. It's just like 'us' to feel that way. To feel like sweeping it under the rug is the 'safe' thing. The safe thing is admitting it. When we ignore it's existence, we allow ourselves to be tempted by Satan because we pretend we are bigger than the problem.

For example, there are days I pretend I don't have a problem. Days I pretend that I can exist in the 'party world' and be bigger than the effects it's had on my life when the truth is flirting with disaster could be the end of me. In my twisted way of thinking I imagine that admitting I can't be apart of that world and those people makes me weak. It means that I can't handle that. Unfortunately, that's the point. I can't handle it. Putting on a front and acting like the world is ok and that I can do what I want is the most dangerous thing of all. When I admit I have a problem... when I in essence, admit I need to be in 'recovery' from this lifestyle, I can then have people to hold me accountable and keep me out of that destructive lifestyle.

God's placed people in our life to help us through these times. He's given us people we can trust and that can invest in our lives to help us through the issues we face. Maybe I should start listening to those people more. Satan only needs one chance. When he gets his hooks into you he begins this web of deception and before you know it, you are in so deep you can't see your way out. He feeds of the vulnerability these issues in essence give us. I'm sad to say I know this from much experience.

It's a recovery... a lifelong process of a daily ritual to prevent a destructive lifestyle. It's a lifetime of making sure Satan doesn't get it and that I do everything I can to make sure and protect my life from the schemes of the evil one. The safest place to be is admitting I can't do it alone. Admitting I have a problem and that maybe even though you can handle being apart of that life... I certainly can't. Voicing weakness isn't easy... especially for me. I never want to be called weak, but if I don't admit it, God will eventually break me for my own pride of feeling like I've got this under control. I've already tried... and too many times failed. It seems like a recurring theme all over again... when I am weak, then He is strong. A battle of daily dying to self and remembering that without Him... I am nothing. I think somewhere over the last little while I've forgotten that. It's time to get back into my regular 'detox' meetings. He's given me some great help here on earth. Real people I can talk to and confide in. It's time to own the problem and move on from it... instead of pretending I'm big enough for it, because Lord knows... I've proven I'm not.

bring the rain

I have a new favorite song. It's called 'Bring the Rain' by Mercy Me. If you haven't heard it, you should. Here's the chorus:

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I've been singing this song for weeks. I love what it says... even though it's a hard song to sing I love it. I didn't realize that I might just be praying this while I was singing it.

I'm going through something right now... something I think might be the rain. Some may think it to be very minor in comparison to their 'rain' or think that I am making too big a deal, but in all honesty, it's ripping my heart out. I've done a lot of hurting in my life and I don't like that part of my history. Unfortunately, this could potentially really hurt someone I love very much. I hate that part of this. Even though it's truth... it will still hurt.

This song is bold and the words of it, I don't even think I understand in its entirety. Weeks ago listening to it, I never imagined sitting here in this situation. I think even if we pray that prayer... we certainly aren't out looking for the 'rain'. For me, this time right now is rain, but I believe with all my heart that God will receive the glory for this. I certainly don't know how and I don't know when it will be seen, but I do believe that He will receive it.

In the midst of troubles and trials, it's easy to get down and easy to be discouraged. I'm pretty sure I'll have many more days of that, but what an amazing God we serve. He knows everything about us, and He knows the trials He places in our lives and the reason behind them. I believe He has placed this situation in my life so that He may receive the glory for it somehow and I want to believe Him for it. Although it's not always easy to praise Him in that rain... it sure is worth trying to.

I laughed til it hurts...

My stomach muscles are sore. I could explain, but it would never make sense. It was a time filled with those 'you had to be there' moments. There's something about those times that make you never want to leave. You want to completely and totally rest in them. You just want to sit... and take it all in.

I have a friend. I have an amazing friend and I think that our entire relationship is made of 'you had to be there' moments. Those are the kind of friends you just don't always find. You never search them out and you never pick them... they just happen. They show up at that right moment when you completely need them. That's this friend.

I'm finding myself very thankful tonight. I'm thankful for what God's given me in a friend and who He's placed in my life. He knows how hard I prayed for a good Christian friend that I could count and after weekends like this, I'm reminded of how blessed I am to have her in my life. It's the best of both worlds to have a friend who's shoulder you can cry on and the next you can be laughing so hard with you can't breathe.

I guess when you've lost things in your life and you get second chances at good things, it teaches you to be grateful for them. I think that's where I am. I never want to take these good things for granted because I know what it's like to have them all ripped away. I never want to become so flippant about a special relationship that I forget it's just that... special.

So after two weekends with my amazing friend- weekends of drive bys, laughter, fun, being left in the rain, dancing and insane silliness... I'm just simply grateful. I'm glad I've got a friend. Because for a long time I didn't... and to have one... it feels pretty freakin' amazing.