.confusion.

The confusion is crippling. Caught between the reality of who I used to be and who I've become is a gray line of disaster. I'm lost in the cycle. I feel quietly alone, yet surrounded by people. I'm finding the truth of the reality is sometimes scarier than what I had imagined. Are walls put up to protect us from others or to keep us from others? When do we decide the risk is worth it? I'm a risk taker - the rush you get when you do something that you know isn't safe or others might frown upon, the feeling takes over your entire body and it's exhilirating. Has my love of risk clouded all judgement? I want to not be the same person anymore, I want to believe I'm different, but what if I'm not? What if I never changed and I'm stuck in always being this way - always being this person. Will I always be the one that people leave? Will I always let people in - only so much just in case they leave? How long do the new people in my life have to pay for the old people's mistakes? I want to live in the reality that I'm free from who I used to be - that I've changed and I've grown, but days like today - it comes creeping back and overtakes my body - to a point where I can breathe and I'm suffocating in the reality that I could yet again screw it up. I'm horrified that in either decision I could make the worst mistake of my life. I need people - I know I do, but at what expense? How can I find the balance between giving people what they want and still being me? When does someone walk in that loves you for you - and that you don't have to change for? The confusion is crippling - it's blinding and it's painful. It takes you over and until you can see the surface - break through the top - it will continue to consume you. I'm looking to be free of the confusion. See the blue skies and bask in the sun breathing normally and not feel so lost. Wanting it is the easy part - doing the necessary parts to get it - the hard part.