believe

Since I started this blog it's kind of been an outpouring of my soul. I'm not always good at talking about what's going on with me, but I've always been able to write it. Most days when I write on my blog I forget that anyone at anytime can read it and at times I get going and probably tell too much. I guess on some level I feel like this can hold me to a level of accountability I could never match. Like if I write it down and in a sense admit and say it... someone knows where I need help. I don't sit in a dark corner dealing with all my issues alone or repress them until I explode... I give people the chance to help me. I feel like I'm very open and always very honest but this one... is hard to write.

I've never had a problem believing in my abilities. Most things in my life have come naturally to me. I don't remember not playing basketball in my life and from what I know, I've always been good at it. Having a basketball in my hand has always made me feel the greatest. I felt like I could do almost anything- and I was always the most confident on the court. Maybe somedays a little too confident. It was the same with school. I never really had difficulty with it and most of the time I never studied. Right or wrong, good or bad, confidence in my abilities has never really been an issue and most people that know me on any level- would probably agree.

Admitting weakness has always been one of the hardest things for me. Admitting I need people or can't do it alone- is excruciating. If I do have a weakness, I do what most of us do... mask it with my strengths. When it comes to physical ability- I believe God has blessed me beyond measure. I've always been taught that if I put my mind to something, I could do anything and for the most part, I have believed it and run with it, but when it comes to truly believing in myself- I'm missing the boat.

I'll never make a secret of where I've come from and I'll never pretend that God didn't bring me from the pit and help me climb to the mountaintop. When Satan wants to mess with me- he reminds me of that pit and how miserable I was there. He plays back every bad decision I ever made and one in particular he throws at me over and over... some days in slow motion. I believe with all my heart that God has redeemed me... I think :)... but when it comes right down to it, I feel like I can't trust myself. I have no faith in who I've become. In a way, it's kind of like telling God that I don't think He did all of his job. That He can have this part of my life... but this part I don't trust Him with and can't quite give over.

I have been blessed beyond all measure with the most amazing people in my life in this last year. I mean some of the most amazing people I've met in all of my life. I can't explain what they have done for me, but one thing I will say- they believe in me. They don't just believe in me- the remind me they do. They tell me how much they believe in me and I can't express what that's like for someone that doesn't believe in herself. It's so hard to admit that I haven't been able to get to that point. It feels like a missing piece of the puzzle. I felt like having these people believe in me would keep me ok- it would make me deal with it and even if I couldn't do it, I could go off their strength. Wow- what pressure to put on others.

As necessary as these peoples belief in me is (and I think God for it)- I was reminded that I can never get where I need to if I don't believe in myself. That's the step I'm missing- the puzzle piece that makes it all work. They can believe in me all day long, and I know they do, but if I can't believe in what God has done for me and WHO HE has made me- it just can't work. I will continue to live in defeat. My lack of trust in myself is a lack of faith. It's telling God I don't believe He can do what He says. I believe part of it- but not all of it. I can't trust myself- because I can't give all of myself to God. At the end of the day, you're right, I can't trust myself to myself- when I give it all to God- ALL of me, that's when I get to start trusting who I am. I don't want to limit God, but I have been. I've been telling him I don't believe what He can do when really... He's the one I should trust the most. I'm not saying, *bam* I trust myself, but I do have a whole new outlook... and maybe it's time to take a little pressure off those people. Take their belief in me and prove them absolutely right, let them look and smile at what they have seen God do and that I finally believe it for myself. That my God started an amazing work- and I finally see it, too.