called out

Have you ever been called out? I got called out- and boy did I deserve it. I'm not talking about an arrogant, prideful 'I told you so' called out... just one of those where the person really didn't have to say much... I knew I was out of line before I read the first two words.

What began as a simple vacation back home, has turned into an overwhelming flood of emotions. God has been working me overtime. He's been challenging me in ways that I never even imagine. When I think I have an answer- a solution- I'm quickly reminded there's so much more I have to work on. So much more that I have to do.

I was in a situation earlier where I was put in my place. I don't mean any negativity on the person that did it because I don't think you can be put in a place unless you are out of it- and I was. In fact, they were must nicer than they could have and probably should have been because they are actually still talking to me! Haha! What that person had no idea of- is what effect that conversation would have to the very next person I saw.

My aunt and I have rarely talked at all in any depth. I do believe she is one of the wisest women I've ever had the priviledge to know. She coaches basketball and I love basketball. She invited me to come work with the coaches and the team at a Thanksgiving tournament today. I was thrilled. She came and picked me up early and we were going to do some stuff for her class at school. In one simple question she began a chain of a conversation I never saw coming. The woman knew me from cover to cover with no one ever telling her anything. She began talking about our family... all the way back to her grandfather and the chain of events he began. As a child she would see him preaching hell, fire and brimstone (he was a preacher of a church) and turn around and go get so drunk he couldn't stand up. She remembers seeing this as a small child and it shaped the way she thought people should live. She grew up with an alcoholic father and only to marry into an abusive relationship. In short- the book challenged her to stop the cycle that had started. To re-parent her children and break that cycle so that they no longer had to live in it. I think at this point my mouth was to the floor. She began challenging me with the fact that this cycle WAS passed down to me and if I don't stop it, I will pass it to my children. She saw right through me. Right through the shield I'd placed up that everything was ok. I was floored by what she had to say to me and much of it that I cannot share here. As much as I hated to be called out today- I believe it set me up for the next thing that happened. I was so vulnerable with what had happened... there was no wall for my aunt to try and break down. She could see right through it. If I hadn't had that earlier... that might have never happened.

So I got a book- I got a book on everything I've been trying to put into order this past year. I also got an aunt I've rarely talked to in detail to give me exactly what I needed to hear to find who I am to be. To finally have all the tools, all the ways to get past all this and be able to make it a reality and truly live in the freedom I can. Break the cycle... it rings over and over in my head... when I realize that it's not just something stupid I've done... when I see entire generations of this happening... it puts a whole new spin on things. When you look back over your family and see you were almost destined for this to happen... it rocks you. I don't want to pass that kind of legacy on... I want to break it. And I truly believe I have everything I need to do that. I bet that one that called me out-had no clue the part that conversation would play in this... but I'm pretty freakin' excited it did :)