my backyard

My sweet friend has challenged me with something recently. It's been on my mind lately. Not long ago I was dealing with a 'friend' and was questioning the health of the relationship. She quickly responded, "would you let her in your backyard?". Huh? Immediately I thought, "Well, I don't have backyard. I live in an apartment." so I simply said, "Um. I don't get it." What did a backyard I don't have mean regarding this friendship? I'm not really sure if an eye roll is a smile followed, but she began to explain the backyard of my life. I then began to wonder... well would I?

I've thought a lot about my backyard lately. There's been quite a party there actually, but it hasn't been smooth sailing. There's some questionable people I've let in the gate and I began looking back at why. I thought about all the friends I have in my life... even acquaintances that I call 'friends' and how healthy they were for my life. I think I spent more time picking out what I would wear to work this morning than some of the friends I've allowed in. When I thought about it, I got why they were there, but I didn't get why they were still there.

I'm not just talking about the toxic people in our lives... the ones we know are trouble and that we have to keep our distance from altogether. I'm talking about people we may not even know are dangerous. You know, those wolves in sheep's clothing? The people that put us down or always find something negative. Do you have those people in your life that you get around and you completely change demeanor? I certainly do.

I'm dealing with a relationship right now that I know I need to let go of. I know it's not safe and when I'm around this person or talk to them, I change. Everything becomes negative... nothing is quite good enough and that's exactly how this person makes me feel. That I'm not good enough. They really saved me in a rough time in my life, but it's a case now of needing saved from them. They've been obsolete in my life for the past year when I needed people to rally around me. They weren't there and somehow I still feel I owe them something. I feel like they need to know the person I've become... the person I've changed into, but the truth is, they don't deserve it. They aren't even safe close to my backyard.

I have few other relationships that need to be taken care of. I've been on a roller coaster the past couple of days. I've wondered 'why?'... 'why me?'... I'm not asking for it. I've pretty much been behaving, but these issues aren't from people that belong in my backyard and if I did a better job of policing it would the past couple of days have happened? Probably not. In my last blog I talked about being in recovery from things... you can't be in recovery effectively and still let those people in your backyard. They are throwing a completely different party!

It's interesting to me... the people we allow in our lives. This certainly has me thinking, tho. I want to make better choices about who gets to be there and keep my backyard 'safe'. I think in the long run... it will make things so much easier. So... I have some work to do. I've gotta kick some people outta this BBQ... what about you? Who's in your backyard?