and we are raised to walk in the newness of life...

Yes. That's a pool. Yes. It's on a baseball field between first and second base. Yes. It's a baptism. And yes. I know him. Our church does a huge baptism every year. They usually do it at a camp, but they've grown too large and this year they did it at the city's minor league baseball stadium. Yes. You read it right.

It was a major event. It was cool because I hadn't ever seen anything like this done before, but it was even more special because of the person in this picture who was getting baptized. This is my boyfriend, Kyle. Kyle's an amazing guy. He's one of the nicest guys I know and would do anything in the world for me. This event was major for me because he was proclaiming in front of God and 3000 people at a baseball stadium that he believed God was his Savior.

I was saved when I was 9. I was baptized shortly after and so my conversion wasn't a huge ordeal for me. Yeah, it was great, but by 9 I hadn't fully had the chance to screw up my life just enough yet! Standing in front of a church wasn't this major humbling experience. Kyle had lived his life thinking he was saved as many do. He attended church regularly and lived an overall good life. Nothing made him think any differently. Until one moment in a service at church he realized it was more than that. Maybe there was something else to all this... there was a Savior he needed. Maybe he couldn't really do this on his own. As I sat in the stands watching, I saw a strong, independent man who stood alone on a field surrounded by thousands. He stood proudly in his decision, but humbly in the knowledge that he did in fact need a Savior and he need a Lord in his life. At 28 years old he decided to proclaim that need for a Savior in front of a crowd of 3000 people and show... I can't do this alone. If this isn't a picture of surrender, I don't know what is.

None of this is to pat Kyle on the back or give him the glory when we know it's all God's. It's simply showing us that it is all about surrender. It's about admitting that we do in fact need a Savior. We all can't do it alone and some days we need to be reminded. I was saved and baptized at 9 and some days I just simply forget it. Watching 441 people who made that commitment decided to go public with it... made me remember it quickly. For some the sweetest moment may have been when a small child came back up with the cool water pouring off their face. For another it may have been locking arms and being baptized together with their spouse. A special moment for all was the 80 year old man went in who could barely make it into one of the pools but did not dare leave without being fully covered in the clear cool water. But for me, the special moment was when I saw my guy, fully soaked, knowing it's only just water, but knowing how much more the symbol really means. At the end of the day, it's not what will happen tomorrow, or what decisions we'll make by the end of the year or where we will live, it's that I know where we'll both end up in the very end... and it's definitely together.

Therefore we are buried with him by baptism into death: that like as Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life. Romans 6:4

Everything

My best friend sent me this video this morning. It's one of the most powerful things I've ever seen. Watch it all the way through. It's an amazing representation of Christ's love and how real the temptations we face are.

The No. 1 Enemy of Believers

Tonight I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated about a lot of things. Many of which I tried to run and fight out in 3 straight hours of basketball. It didn't work. The more I played, the madder I got. While there are many things on my heart, I am only going to talk about one. Most will say the answer to the title is other believers. While I believe they can be, I think religion is at the top of the list. I believe religion is the number 1 enemy of believers.

Somewhere along the line I think we've lost the point. We have a religion to ok whatever we feel at that moment. If we don't like something about one, we find a new one. We've lost sight of simply being a believer. Simply accepting Jesus into our hearts and lives and living for Him. How much more difficult are we making it? If you do studies on religion, most have come because someone got mad... so they made a new one. Check it out... it's true. Is religion sending people to hell?

I have something that's really bothering me and I want to be very vague about the people I'm talking about... no names, no relationships will be given. Someone in my family is working on changing their life. They recently got saved and they are going to be baptized in 2 weeks. Praise God! This decision was made entirely by this person and their own admission of their sin and their need for a Savior. This person grew up in a religion that believes you are saved upon baptism... and that's done as a child. That's it... period. No age of recognition, no salvation... sprinkled water and enter into heaven. I've always been fascinated by this belief. Where they find this to be biblically sound, I don't know. When this person told their other family about their salvation and baptism, they were criticized - not questioned about why, criticized.

I almost don't know what to say. Where do we miss what the Bible says? Let's take a look at Romans 10:9-10 - "9 If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10 For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved. " I'm not here to debate salvation and what constitutes it, because only a person can know for himself, but it's written clearly in the scripture. My real problem is that religion is sending people to hell. We've created religions to tell us what we want to hear. Where do we miss the boat? If we sit and say that sprinkling water on a baby is my ticket to heaven then what was the point of Jesus dying on Calvary? Where is our point of recognition for our sins and our need to cry out to a Savior?

I have adopted a saying recently that I love. 'Reject Religion - Embrace Jesus'. I agree with that with all of my heart. I was broken tonight when this person sat across from me with tear-filled eyes... because his religion no longer meets up with this other part of his family. Where have we lost it? Where have we screwed it up? Instead of rejoicing with our brothers and sisters, we are offended because it doesn't line up with our 'religion manual'. I know I'm all over the place tonight, but I'm frustrated. I'm annoyed that the Christian community cannot join together. Instead, we pick petty arguments because whatever beliefs we have adopted don't seem to line up when what we should be doing... is following what God gave us - the Bible. The question isn't does it line up with what WE think... does it line up with what GOD thinks? He gave us the manual and instead of picking it up and following it... we make up whatever's easiest for us and whatever fits our needs. I'm not a fan of 'religion' anymore. I think church is important and being apart of a corporate body does wonders for your walk with Christ. I'm not saying 'Community Church' is the best and one that has a religion 'name' on the door is bad. I just think we need to know what we're practicing. Is the church I'm in based on the Bible and what the Bible says? I don't want to be labeled with religion. I simply want to be known as a believer, Christ follower, lover of Jesus. I want for people to look at my life and see Christ... not my religion.

Ephesians 2: 8-9
8 God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. 9 Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it.

To Help Those That Don't Want It

Have you found yourself at that place? Are there those people in your life that you are desperate to help, but they don't want it? They don't find it necessary to be helped and instead of trying to to change they would rather stay on that destructive path? That's the place I feel in tonight. I feel like that one wanting to help that lost soul, but with no clue how to. I've been on the other side. I've been on that path of destruction and more pain I caused myself, in some sick way, the better I felt. When you've been to that place, you don't ever want anyone to have to feel that pain and hurt. When you've lived it, you want to save everyone you can from it.

How do you help those that have no desire to be helped? When do you step in and try to take over and when do you trust God enough to take care of His children? It's such a difficult balance and I don't know what side of that I stand on tonight. It's a constant battle. Where is the line of God wanting you to intervene crossed with the line of your own agenda?

I have one brother. One brother that I love so deeply and I don't know how to help. He's on a path of destruction and I don't know what to do for him. It's the most helpless I've ever felt. I don't know when my role is to step in and try to fix it and when I'm supposed to pray from a far. Is praying my cop out way of not tackling the issue straight on? Do I use prayer as a crutch so I don't have to confront the hard stuff? It's a hard battle I'm having trouble fighting tonight. Part of me wants to throw in the towel and say 'I've done all I can... the rest is up to him'... While another part of me wants to scream and yell at him and beg him to get his life together because I'm afraid the next time a phone rings it's to tell me he's dead.

I've been in his shoes. As I sit looking back I wish someone would have stepped into my life before it got so bad. I wish someone would have grabbed me by the face and told me what a mess I was making of my life. Sure, I look back now and think that... but would I have felt that way at the time? How would I have reacted to someone trying to step in then? I had a friend that I hadn't spoken to in years tell me they had to step away from me because they knew I wouldn't listen to them. They knew I had to find my own way.

Does he have to find his own way? How do you know the answer? If I try to step in will it push him further down this path and cause more damage if I just pray God's protection over him? What a delicate balance and a tough question I'm asking myself tonight. I do believe God honors the prayers of His saints and many times can answer a prayer many years down the road from when it's prayed, but I also believe God's prayers require some action.

So that's where I sit tonight. Confused between outward action and inward action. Do I try and fight this battle or do I allow the angels and demons to fight this one out? It's a fight I can't figure out, but I do know if I ever got that phone call... I could never ever forgive myself... for making the wrong choice.

And I Wished Upon A Star...

Ok, so not really a star... but a prayer. And not just one... many. As I sat in chapel service yesterday the topic was on prayer. He made a statement that stunned me and not because of how particularly profound it was, but actually at how simple it was. He said, "When we obey God, we could be answering a prayer that someone prayed 100 years ago". It stunned me because of how true it was. I often find myself thinking in immediate terms as far as prayers being answered... not in long term. And how many prayers are prayed specifically for and about us that we aren't even aware are being prayed?

After dinner last night, my boyfriend and I began talking about this very subject. He was commenting on several times when he'd informed his mother of a decision and her response was simple, "We prayed about that in bible study". We then began continuing a discussion that floored me. His desire to learn about what God had for him and what God was teaching him was profound. It far surpassed any desire I'd had lately. I could see the fire in his eyes and the willingness to take that step even deeper into what Christ had to offer him. Even later in the evening as I sat pouring out my heart to my best friend with tears streaming down my face, an unbelievable feeling hit me. The two conversations I'd had that night were two specific prayers I had prayed... almost a year ago.

When I moved here I had no idea why I was coming. I blindly walked into this place with almost no knowledge of Life Action (who I would work for) and zero knowledge of life up north. I didn't know a soul and had only talked on the phone to one person from the ministry. I knew God would teach me something, but I didn't know what I was supposed to expect. I'd been on a roller coaster of emotion and felt completely alone. I had so many desires of my heart and I didn't know how to ask for them. Before I moved I prayed God would give me two things.

The first thing I wanted was a best friend. I'd been burned around every corner and done my fair share of burning. I wanted to balance of a friend that I could laugh, joke and be myself with, but one that I could pour out my heart with issues and discuss this walk of grace. I'd always had either extreme. There was never a balance of the two. I wanted so badly to have a friend I knew would stand in the gap for me and I knew that loved me for me. They could know my past, they could know everything bad I'd ever done, but they would still see the real me.

The second thing I prayed for was a godly man. A man that desired to be a Priest, Prophet and King of my household. Someone I didn't have to stay on about going to church... they would go on their own if I wasn't there. I wanted to date a guy who desired to know what God had for his life and for our life. Someone I could trust and love and I could give my heart to. I'd done my fair share of dating and my resume wasn't too impressive. It would take a special godly man to take me. I wanted a balance. I didn't need a cookie cutter religious nut job and I wanted someone I could be myself with and still have a great time. I was very specific about what I wanted... someone who knew family was important and someone who would live in the south! (Um, my God has no limitations!) I wanted someone who would treat me like I felt I should be treated... a nice guy. Something I hadn't dated many of.

The longer I talked to my friend on the phone the more I'd realized after these many months... God had answered those prayers. He had given me a friend better than I could have ever asked for. He had given me that friend at the most unexpected time and from the most unexpected place. He'd planted the seed for a very specific time for us to meet and very specific things to connect us. I could not imagine having a stronger connection with a friend and there are days I feel like we live in this parallel universe. How could someone else be THAT much like me? There are the aspects of the silliness, the jokes and just the flat out hilarity of our relationship, but there are the times like last night when we pour our heart out to one another or the times I just simply don't know what to do and she talks me down off the ledge. I found last night God had given me everything I'd wanted and more in Kyle. The want and desire for a relationship with Christ and truly understanding the meaning of grace were phenomenal. He wanted to walk this with me and wanted to do it himself if I wasn't there. It's never about obligation or because he thinks that's what I want. He treats me like I'm a princess and truthfully... it's better than I deserve to be treated. It's an amazing feeling. In the whirlwind of this life I've lived and the roller coaster of emotion this past year, I know why God brought me here. He had to uproot me and move me to this place simply... to give me my heart's desire.

Full Circle

If you've ever played a sport or run a race you know what I'm talking about. (My non-sports people, hang in there! I haven't forgotten you.) It's that moment when sweat is pouring down your face and your muscles are screaming from exhaustion. There's no time on the clock and you are down by 1 point. You get fouled and you get two free throws. You sink them both and win the game... full circle. If you're running a race and you see the finish line. You think you can't possibly run anymore and that moment your body kicks in with a surge of energy that sends you past the leader and across that line... full circle. Maybe for you it's looking for that perfect pair of shoes. You look in every store you can think of and search all day. You walk into Nordstrom 10 minutes before they close and you see them, in your size - on the sale rack... full circle. You know what I'm talking about and you know the feeling. It's addictive... and what you truly want for your life.

It's no secret I've had a rough last couple years. I've talked enough about it and won't beat a dead horse. I have come to a complete full circle in my life and it's an incredible feeling. There comes a point when you do so many things wrong... you just want to do something right. Not only do you want to do it, you want someone to notice you did it. Now I won't say I haven't done a few things right in the past couple years, but my rights were plagued with continued wrongs that seemed to cancel out the good stuff. I sit here in my apartment, that 3 months ago I hated, in a town I swore I'd never like... smiling because life is pretty good. Don't mistake that I miss many things about my home so much, but I'm content now. I have a church that I think is incredible, I have a boyfriend I don't deserve and I have friends I would fight the world to keep. God has blessed me in so many incredible ways. I sit here in complete awe of what a bad place I was in... in only such a short time ago. I feel like I've finally started to turn things around and that things are going right. I'm not in a fighting battle with myself to prove to anyone I'm as bad as they think. I'm not defined by anyone but my Lord and Savior. There are days it's an absolute battle to fight and someone close to me will say something hurtful and I'm thrown back into that web of misunderstanding and hurt, but thank God I've got people in my life that pick me back up... people that love me and understand me... that love me for exactly who I am- not what they want me to be.

I would be a fool to leave out the major part of coming full circle. It's simply understanding God's grace. When you can embrace the entire idea of grace and what it fully means- you can live an amazing life of victory. When you 'get' what Christ did you for... for only you and you and know through every fiber of your being that his grace is sufficient for you... it's a life that's come full circle. Grace isn't about what we do or how we can make ourselves better. In fact it's the complete opposite and knowing that I am simply not enough and that I on my own will never be. It's the undeserved, unmerited favor that Christ bestows on me and makes me enough. Grace is simply that- amazing.

I can't promise I won't have bad days (and I know who's reading this and laughing right now) and I can't promise that I might forget at times. It just happens. Things creep up, the right people say the wrong thing and it sends you into overdrive. I can say that it's no longer what my life is made of. I don't live in a constant defeat or in a life where I just simply want everything to change. Happiness is a good thing and God doesn't desire us to be miserable! Many times I've been on the free throw line of life and missed my two shots. Sometimes I've missed one and made one sending it into a grueling overtime. I'm pretty happy to say this time I sunk them both (not without a few helping hands *smiles*). Full circle... me? Who would have ever thought? :)

My Life

It's been a really long time since I've updated my blog... as I've been reminded by my best friend! I almost don't know where to begin, but in the time I haven't been writing I have really been able to reflect on my life and the amazing changes that have happened in the last year. The one thing that continues to amaze me is how we allow past situations to dictate our future decisions. I'm not talking about learning from mistakes because I know all too well how important that is. I mean the simple idea that if someone breaks our heart, we guard it with our life because we believe the next person will break it. If someone let us down, instead of giving someone the benefit of the doubt, we then assume the next person we meet will in turn, let us down as well. I think I could be the poster child for this cycle of living. Recently, it almost got the best of me.


I think I did more 'living' in one year of my life than most do in a lifetime. I've always been the type of person that dives right in. It's never about the consequence for me. The risk is always worth it. It's not about what my choice will bring in 2 days... it's about the moment the choice is made, and the thrill of it right then. I don't plan, and frankly it gives me the hives! I like to be spontaneous... often to a fault. The particular year of my life was destructive, dangerous and most importantly full of let downs. The more dangerous it was, the more I wanted it and the more destructive, the harder I would try to make it happen. A challenge was exactly what I was looking for and I found many of them. I was surrounded by a lifestyle that I truly believe had I continued to live in it, would have killed me. If there's anything this time in my life taught me... it was that you can't trust anyone.



I spent most of my time after I got straightened out wondering one simple question: "Why didn't anyone care enough to get me out?". I couldn't fathom seeing someone living like I was and turning the other way... pretending like it wasn't happening or like everything was ok. I didn't get how people could say they cared, but continued to watch me destroy my life. It made me question my loyalty to my family, my friends and my church family. I felt like no one cared because I got treated worse when I did change, than when I was living a negative lifestyle. I felt alone, rejected and broken. I felt better physically than I had in months because I was no longer harming my body, but the pain I felt on the inside was like something I can't even describe. It's like fighting to get to the top of the water... you can see it, but you just can't quite make it. It was in one word: horrific. Trust wasn't at the top of my list and in fact, I just stop trusting altogether. I figured everyone was the same and all I wanted is for someone to prove to me that they all aren't the same. It was a battle I fought with myself... I wanted someone to be different, but yet I didn't because if I found someone was, I'd have to trust again. I tried to stand up for myself, prove to those that didn't believe me that I was a different person and that I had changed. Some days it was just easier to prove them right... easier to prove to them I was exactly what they thought I was and to my never ending shame, too many times I did.



Needless to say, this was a bit of a dark period. It shaped who I became and I lived in the shadow of it. I couldn't see beyond it to know that it didn't define me. To see that God had a better plan for my life and didn't desire for me to live in the shame of who I had been. My simple and very grown up solution for anytime I felt threatened was to run. Take off and run in the complete other direction. Very mature for my 24 year old self. It was easier to be alone and not trusting than it would be for me to actually open up to someone, give that part of myself away and be vulnerable. Running the other direction was always a better alternative than trusting. I almost really screwed up recently. I was more afraid of being hurt again than I was afraid of losing what could be the best thing that had ever happened to me. My risk in that moment was worth the lifetime of consequences it could have cost me. I would love to say that I came to my senses quickly and realized how stupid I was being. No, as I sit here smiling about it... I didn't. It took my very patient and loving best friend to knock me over the head and say 'Hello... you're running again. Remember that person you don't want to be anymore? You're being her!'.



Fortunately, I listened and slowly but surely I'm learning to trust again. I'm learning that not everyone is the same and just because people have hurt me in the past doesn't mean I have to right to hold against people that haven't. It is such a never ending battle. I have to constantly remind myself of who I really am... and that trust is a good thing! It's ok to count on people and that God gives us ones to count on. I can't say that I'll never get hurt again or that those close to me won't let me down because I'm betting they will... the same way I'll let them down. The best part is that I know the one who won't let me down. If I continue to place my faith and my focus on Jesus, the let downs will seem far less important. He has promised me He will never leave or forsake me and that trust is always something I can put in Him.