Full Circle

If you've ever played a sport or run a race you know what I'm talking about. (My non-sports people, hang in there! I haven't forgotten you.) It's that moment when sweat is pouring down your face and your muscles are screaming from exhaustion. There's no time on the clock and you are down by 1 point. You get fouled and you get two free throws. You sink them both and win the game... full circle. If you're running a race and you see the finish line. You think you can't possibly run anymore and that moment your body kicks in with a surge of energy that sends you past the leader and across that line... full circle. Maybe for you it's looking for that perfect pair of shoes. You look in every store you can think of and search all day. You walk into Nordstrom 10 minutes before they close and you see them, in your size - on the sale rack... full circle. You know what I'm talking about and you know the feeling. It's addictive... and what you truly want for your life.

It's no secret I've had a rough last couple years. I've talked enough about it and won't beat a dead horse. I have come to a complete full circle in my life and it's an incredible feeling. There comes a point when you do so many things wrong... you just want to do something right. Not only do you want to do it, you want someone to notice you did it. Now I won't say I haven't done a few things right in the past couple years, but my rights were plagued with continued wrongs that seemed to cancel out the good stuff. I sit here in my apartment, that 3 months ago I hated, in a town I swore I'd never like... smiling because life is pretty good. Don't mistake that I miss many things about my home so much, but I'm content now. I have a church that I think is incredible, I have a boyfriend I don't deserve and I have friends I would fight the world to keep. God has blessed me in so many incredible ways. I sit here in complete awe of what a bad place I was in... in only such a short time ago. I feel like I've finally started to turn things around and that things are going right. I'm not in a fighting battle with myself to prove to anyone I'm as bad as they think. I'm not defined by anyone but my Lord and Savior. There are days it's an absolute battle to fight and someone close to me will say something hurtful and I'm thrown back into that web of misunderstanding and hurt, but thank God I've got people in my life that pick me back up... people that love me and understand me... that love me for exactly who I am- not what they want me to be.

I would be a fool to leave out the major part of coming full circle. It's simply understanding God's grace. When you can embrace the entire idea of grace and what it fully means- you can live an amazing life of victory. When you 'get' what Christ did you for... for only you and you and know through every fiber of your being that his grace is sufficient for you... it's a life that's come full circle. Grace isn't about what we do or how we can make ourselves better. In fact it's the complete opposite and knowing that I am simply not enough and that I on my own will never be. It's the undeserved, unmerited favor that Christ bestows on me and makes me enough. Grace is simply that- amazing.

I can't promise I won't have bad days (and I know who's reading this and laughing right now) and I can't promise that I might forget at times. It just happens. Things creep up, the right people say the wrong thing and it sends you into overdrive. I can say that it's no longer what my life is made of. I don't live in a constant defeat or in a life where I just simply want everything to change. Happiness is a good thing and God doesn't desire us to be miserable! Many times I've been on the free throw line of life and missed my two shots. Sometimes I've missed one and made one sending it into a grueling overtime. I'm pretty happy to say this time I sunk them both (not without a few helping hands *smiles*). Full circle... me? Who would have ever thought? :)

My Life

It's been a really long time since I've updated my blog... as I've been reminded by my best friend! I almost don't know where to begin, but in the time I haven't been writing I have really been able to reflect on my life and the amazing changes that have happened in the last year. The one thing that continues to amaze me is how we allow past situations to dictate our future decisions. I'm not talking about learning from mistakes because I know all too well how important that is. I mean the simple idea that if someone breaks our heart, we guard it with our life because we believe the next person will break it. If someone let us down, instead of giving someone the benefit of the doubt, we then assume the next person we meet will in turn, let us down as well. I think I could be the poster child for this cycle of living. Recently, it almost got the best of me.


I think I did more 'living' in one year of my life than most do in a lifetime. I've always been the type of person that dives right in. It's never about the consequence for me. The risk is always worth it. It's not about what my choice will bring in 2 days... it's about the moment the choice is made, and the thrill of it right then. I don't plan, and frankly it gives me the hives! I like to be spontaneous... often to a fault. The particular year of my life was destructive, dangerous and most importantly full of let downs. The more dangerous it was, the more I wanted it and the more destructive, the harder I would try to make it happen. A challenge was exactly what I was looking for and I found many of them. I was surrounded by a lifestyle that I truly believe had I continued to live in it, would have killed me. If there's anything this time in my life taught me... it was that you can't trust anyone.



I spent most of my time after I got straightened out wondering one simple question: "Why didn't anyone care enough to get me out?". I couldn't fathom seeing someone living like I was and turning the other way... pretending like it wasn't happening or like everything was ok. I didn't get how people could say they cared, but continued to watch me destroy my life. It made me question my loyalty to my family, my friends and my church family. I felt like no one cared because I got treated worse when I did change, than when I was living a negative lifestyle. I felt alone, rejected and broken. I felt better physically than I had in months because I was no longer harming my body, but the pain I felt on the inside was like something I can't even describe. It's like fighting to get to the top of the water... you can see it, but you just can't quite make it. It was in one word: horrific. Trust wasn't at the top of my list and in fact, I just stop trusting altogether. I figured everyone was the same and all I wanted is for someone to prove to me that they all aren't the same. It was a battle I fought with myself... I wanted someone to be different, but yet I didn't because if I found someone was, I'd have to trust again. I tried to stand up for myself, prove to those that didn't believe me that I was a different person and that I had changed. Some days it was just easier to prove them right... easier to prove to them I was exactly what they thought I was and to my never ending shame, too many times I did.



Needless to say, this was a bit of a dark period. It shaped who I became and I lived in the shadow of it. I couldn't see beyond it to know that it didn't define me. To see that God had a better plan for my life and didn't desire for me to live in the shame of who I had been. My simple and very grown up solution for anytime I felt threatened was to run. Take off and run in the complete other direction. Very mature for my 24 year old self. It was easier to be alone and not trusting than it would be for me to actually open up to someone, give that part of myself away and be vulnerable. Running the other direction was always a better alternative than trusting. I almost really screwed up recently. I was more afraid of being hurt again than I was afraid of losing what could be the best thing that had ever happened to me. My risk in that moment was worth the lifetime of consequences it could have cost me. I would love to say that I came to my senses quickly and realized how stupid I was being. No, as I sit here smiling about it... I didn't. It took my very patient and loving best friend to knock me over the head and say 'Hello... you're running again. Remember that person you don't want to be anymore? You're being her!'.



Fortunately, I listened and slowly but surely I'm learning to trust again. I'm learning that not everyone is the same and just because people have hurt me in the past doesn't mean I have to right to hold against people that haven't. It is such a never ending battle. I have to constantly remind myself of who I really am... and that trust is a good thing! It's ok to count on people and that God gives us ones to count on. I can't say that I'll never get hurt again or that those close to me won't let me down because I'm betting they will... the same way I'll let them down. The best part is that I know the one who won't let me down. If I continue to place my faith and my focus on Jesus, the let downs will seem far less important. He has promised me He will never leave or forsake me and that trust is always something I can put in Him.

An all too familiar place

I ended up there this weekend. I found myself caught in the middle of a situation I had promised myself I'd never be in again. For a few hours, I felt contentment and solace in that old place. I remembered who I was and the last time I'd truly felt defined by something. Maybe it wasn't a good thing... but it was something. I knew I shouldn't be there and I knew I'd pay the consequences for it, but in that little time, I didn't care. The good news is I finally came to my senses. I picked myself up out of the situation and ran like mad... the bad news is I never should have been there and I know it. Something I'd worked so hard not be, I became again so quickly. The other bad news, is the power of Satan's seduction and our danger if we don't know it exists.

Satan's seduction is one of the most powerful things I've ever felt in my life. The effects are harmful and too many times deadly. Sometimes he hits you when you least expect it, sometimes he hits you when you're expecting it the most, but I can assure you... he will most certainly hit you when you think you're strong enough to handle it on your own. In the times when you feel invincible... in those moments you feel confident in your own strength and put the Savior's at a safe distance. Satan maneuvers and manipulates every single weakness we have in hopes for us to fall flat on our face. You see as Christians, he can never take our salvation and he knows he can never have us... but he makes it his job to make us fall whenever he can and cause us to lose a testimony we worked so desperately to combat. It takes months, even years to change your life from old habits and approximately 30 seconds to get back into it. That's the evil beauty of seduction. The enemy doesn't seduce us with something we hate or something that doesn't tempt us... he chooses our sinful natures desires... those things we at times so long to be apart of.

The beauty of this story is that it doesn't matter what I did last weekend or what I'll do next weekend... God's redeeming power is so much bigger than it all. I am enough because he was first enough and I can rest in him because His power is perfect in my weakness. His grace IS sufficient for me. It has, it is, and it always will be. We (I) think that by admitting we have weaknesses, it makes me weak. If we stay away from our temptations and weaknesses then that means we don't have big enough faith, when in reality, what if God is trying to teach us to lean on Him in everything and that it is perhaps not my job to 'prove' I can 'handle the pressure'? I so often feel that my Christianity is about 'proving' this or 'proving' that when it's not. What if it's just about admitting I'm weak... so He can make me strong?

One of my favorite authors, Beth Moore, has a great book out titled "Get Out of the Pit". I'd like to share a portion of it with you. Beth is telling a story about how she began receiving Barbies... a cute story of a little girl that brought her barbies to church and they would make them raise their hands in praise so ever since then people have given her barbies...

This most recent Barbie was dressed like me (hip, I hope, but alas, modest). She had a makeshift bible in one hand (appeared to be a King James) while the other was stretched decisively heavenward. This doll had one inadvertent similarity to me that overrode all the others. It even made up for the gross age discrepancy that no one seemed willing to acknowledge. One of Barbie's feet had been gnawed right off at the calf. The group extended their regrets, of course, explaining that the family dog of the original owner had gotten hold of the doll the day before they left. They were understandably disappointed but decided the doll was, by and large, no worse for the wear.
I stared at the Barbie for a minute. She looked so strange at first. So well coiffed, so fitted for her calling, and yet she had a gnawed-off foot. Then I nodded. Not to anyone else really. Just to God. Well, maybe also to Barbie. Though the group didn't know it, they'd hit the nail right on the head, or maybe the leg right on the stump. That was me all right.
No, I don't have a missing leg, but if you could see me with your spiritual eyes, surely at least one of my legs is gnawed off at the knee. Ephesians 4:27 warns, "Do not give the devil a foothold." Uh, too late. Satan has wounded me, but he hasn't devoured me. He got the leg, but he's never gotten the thigh, though goodness knows he wanted it. I may walk with a spiritual limp, but thanks to God, who holds me up and urges me to lean on Him, at least I can walk. So can you. Walk away from that pit before it's the death of you.

Satan has wounded me... oh too many times, but he hasn't and won't devour me. I do walk with a spiritual limp and some days, it just plain hurts. I can get up from here and I can walk on, limping, but walking and when I fall or slip, my Savior picks me up and guides me as I rest on Him. It's usually never the easy thing, but it's the hard thing. Satan's lies are just that... lies. We give him far too much material to work with, but be aware. There's an enemy out there and he wants more than a foot... he wants it all and will stop at nothing to get it. I have be wounded, but by God's grace and redeeming love... I can get up and do the next thing right and never again... be caught in that familiar place.

To Our Knees

I've been thinking a lot about prayer lately... maybe I should be doing more of it rather than just thinking about it :-). For some reason I was reminded of when I was in high school and after every basketball game our team would circle around center court, hold hands and recite the Lord's Prayer. Now when I say recite I mean say it at the speed of light. You've never in your life seen a prayer said so quickly! In my memory of it I was actually laughing all by myself because it was just ridiculous. We said it as quickly and painlessly as we could... ready to move on. It made me wonder how often we do that in our own lives. Prayer isn't about our time to talk to God... it's how quick and painless can we make it? I think we forget that the Lord's Prayer... is our 'Dummies Guide' to how to pray. I want to break it down and take a look at it... and see how Jesus laid it out there for us.

Our Father, which art in Heaven,
Hallowed by thy name.

Jesus starts the prayer with 'Our Father'. Not 'my' Father, not 'your' Father... 'our' Father. He quickly puts ourselves in the same boat as he is. He makes it as though he is equal to us as Children of God. Instead of calling him 'God' or something of that sort, he uses the phrase 'Father'... he makes it so personal. Next, Jesus says 'hallowed' be thy name. Webster's dictionary says hallowed means to hold sacred or to be holy. Jesus reminds us that in the simple name of God... He's holy and we are to claim that and remember that He is just that. We so flippantly call him 'Father' and we claim his name to be holy, but when it's inconvenient for us to uphold that... we let it slip to the side.

Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done.
On earth as it is in heaven.

Ok, yeah... because we really mean this one. Be honest with me for a second. How many of you have said these 3 little lines and not meant it a bit more than a man in the moon? I certainly have! Many times. When I say it what I mean is... "Ok, so I want your will done, God, but how about your will be my will?". We always want what we want when we want it. And why shouldn't we? Everything else in the world is that way. We can get it anyway we want it. We forget that the entire point of our existence is to glorify God... to makes fishers of men... to advance the cause. When will we truly fall on our face and desire His will be done... regardless of my own selfish ambitions?

Give us this day our daily bread.

So I'm gonna leave this one by itself because the kicker's coming up. Take a moment to breath :)

Forgive us our trespasses.
As we forgive those who trespass against us.

So I love this one. I almost find it humorous in a weird sort of way. Please know I'm condemning no one, but only writing this out of complete personal experience! We beg, plead and cry for God to forgive us. We pour out our souls and just expect Him to do it... but in the same exact breath we're screaming 'Did you see what she did to me?'. I can't even tell you how many times I've flippantly prayed this one. I expect forgiveness, but can't in turn let go of what so and so said about me. I just can't 'let it go' because it hurt so bad. The moment of realization comes when you see a sinless man hanging from a blood stained cross and quickly remember... He let it go. *ouch*

And lead us not into temptation;
But deliver us from evil.

This one always gets me, too... how many times are we begging God to save us from evil and help us flee from the schemes of the evil one, but we're following the lead of the wrong one?

For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory.
For ever and ever. Amen.

I love how he ends and begins giving sole glory to God. He begins with calling Him Father... claiming his name to be holy and ends with giving it all back to him. For EVERYTHING is yours Lord... everything.

Growing up, I always felt like there wasn't much I could learn from the Lord's Prayer. I felt it was just something you said that everyone knew. There wasn't much meaning to it and it was rather repetitive. When I started looking closer into it, I picked out so many pieces I could use for my own prayer life. We so often forget about our prayer lives. We say whatever we feel like at the time and forget the meaning in what we are saying. We cry out for the pain of the world when some days we should simply be crying out for the pain of ourselves. We find weakness in coming to God broken or without it all together. That's what he wants!!! He wants us broken because HE wants to be the one to put us back together. He wants that shambled heart we bring him so HE can be the glue that forms it back. We give Him so little credit. We make him our last resort when He should be our first. We make Him the least when he should be the most. When will we just realize that all He wants is us.... Unveiled faces falling to our knees in the holiness and majesty of Him. Desiring to know Him through and through and not just getting through it as quickly as we can.

Advance the Cause

My best friend was sharing with me something her pastor said in his sermon. He told his congregation that Jesus said 'I trust you to advance the cause'. Wow. I really had to think about it for a second when she told me. I've actually been thinking about it all day since I heard it. Isn't it so true, though? Isn't that the entire purpose of our existence? I mean I know we have other responsibilities and things God desires for us to accomplish, but our main goal and focus in life should be to simply 'advance the cause'. I feel like as Christians we so often miss the boat of our purpose. We lose sight of the fact that we are commanded to reach the lost... we do have a mission field. We get so caught up in the 'this church does this, this church does that' or arguing about doctorinal issues, and we make it much more difficult than we have to. Jesus has entrusted us with so much... He has put the responsibility in our hands with the hope and trust that we will carry it out. We have the knowledge and understanding of something so powerful yet so simple at the same time. It's the message of grace. Our cause for living and our reason for getting up in the morning. It's a simple message of a Savior's love. A love so deep that would put an innocent man on the cross for our sins... that he would bear the weight of the entire world and die a painful death. Only to be buried and by God's miraculous power, be raised from the dead 3 days later and give us the eternal hope for a life lived in redeeming love and conquering grace. It's more than a bedtime story or a good fable. It was real and it happened and it should make us live our lives differently. We should be forever changed because of it and stop living like it doesn't make a difference. You see... it's not about what church is wrong for singing this or not singing that... it's not about the debate of who's right or who's wrong. It's a simple matter of being trusted with a truth so great it can change lives. Life is simply about advancing that truth... the truth that is the cause of everything we do and everything we are... a truth and a cause worth dying for. For to whom much is given, much will be required. You have been entrusted with something great... I trust you will advance the cause... are you ready?

at the end of the day

There are so many times I sit and wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn't made certain choices or if I'd done things differently. I think if we're all honest with ourselves then we've all been there. I read a book recently that made a startling point. In the book the author was talking to her husband about a horrific experience he'd had as a child. He asked her what she thought he might have been like if he hadn't gone through that and he'd not made bad choices. She says God gave her the words she responded with and she said 'You're a much neater person healed than you would have ever been well.'. I keep wondering the same thing. What would I be like if that hadn't happened? Who would I be? The point is I don't know who I'd be and in fact I barely know who I am now... but my God does. He didn't make me well for a reason... he healed me. How much stronger have I become because of it? I feel so weak, but oh isn't that the point? For when I am weak, then I am strong. For His power is perfected in my weakness. Could I have ever given my all, my complete trust to God if I had been well? I'd like to think I couldn't have... that it took a wound... and it took Him to heal it. You can't get to the mountaintops from another mountaintop. You get to it from the valley. I know a few things... if I hadn't gone through what I did I'd have never met 1 of the closest friends I have right now. I thought of this today and it was mind blowing. I wondered why I'm where I am... why I have to go through this and I was so quickly reminded of all the blessings God gave me because of what I went through. My other family, the Coscia's that he put back into my life... the group of amazing people from my Tres Dias family and my incredible friend Suz. It took my valley for all that to happen. I do not have all the answers and as that wise friend reminded me, I don't have to right now! God's timing is just that... His. I know he is in control of my life and he holds the time table. Days will still be hard and some days will just plain suck, but I have some special special people there to hold my hand and walk beside me and I have my creator... that knows every hair on my head. I don't know why I am where I am or why I feel 'lost'... but He does... and at the end of the day... that's really all that matters.

Alone in a crowded room...

Have you ever been there? You are in a room surrounded by many people, but you just feel so completely alone. I don't know what my deal is, but I've been sitting there the past couple of days. Nothing completely tragic has happened or any major event that should have triggered this, but I just feel it... right in the pit of my stomach. Don't get me wrong... I've met some very great people here and I have a couple of friends that I would really like to get to know on deeper levels, but work schedules and school schedules seem to prohibit that from happening as often as I'd like. There's no real point to this blog... I guess just a vent session. We all need those sometimes. My whole plan to be funny from now on didn't seem to work so well. I know God has me here for a reason. I know he has a great plan for my life and I know he needs me to stay here for now or he wouldn't have allowed me to get a second job so easily. He totally orchestrated that one. I just feel so lost up here. I thought I came to find out who I was, but a part of me feels like I'm more lost than when I came. Sure I got some things right and I fixed some problems that I'd had, but I wonder if I'm falling back into the same pattern. Am I still allowing the enemy to torment me in all the same ways? When will what I do ever just be enough? Do I get close to people, but not too close? I just don't feel like I "fit". Maybe I don't, but maybe a part of me doesn't want to. If I "fit" does that mean I have to stay? I guess I wanted to get away from where I was so badly that I just assumed here would be all the answers... I would figure it all out and start my whole new life and be happy. It's not been quite the fairytale I planned. I guess nothing is really supposed to be. Am I making it worse than it is? It's like that feeling when you're trying so hard to get your head above water... you've fought and fought and you finally begin to see the top. You think you'll never be able to breathe again, but by the grace of God your face reaches the surface and you take a breath, but a wave immediately crashes back down on you... and your pushed again... even further down. I don't know what the answer is or when I'll ever figure it out or even what the point of this blog was other than to strictly vent it all out. Well, it's vented, and perhaps never should have been blogged about, but maybe you're there. Maybe you feel that way and those special people in your life either aren't there when you thought they'd be or they are 1200 miles away. Some days it just gets to me. Maybe it's because Carolina lost tonight :) or maybe it's because of some personal things I'm dealing with... but it's where I am tonight. The good news is I know the One person that has the answers. The Kings of Kings and the Lord of Lords knows my every need and my every desire... and that's the reason I get to keep on going... alone in a crowded room or not.