An all too familiar place

I ended up there this weekend. I found myself caught in the middle of a situation I had promised myself I'd never be in again. For a few hours, I felt contentment and solace in that old place. I remembered who I was and the last time I'd truly felt defined by something. Maybe it wasn't a good thing... but it was something. I knew I shouldn't be there and I knew I'd pay the consequences for it, but in that little time, I didn't care. The good news is I finally came to my senses. I picked myself up out of the situation and ran like mad... the bad news is I never should have been there and I know it. Something I'd worked so hard not be, I became again so quickly. The other bad news, is the power of Satan's seduction and our danger if we don't know it exists.

Satan's seduction is one of the most powerful things I've ever felt in my life. The effects are harmful and too many times deadly. Sometimes he hits you when you least expect it, sometimes he hits you when you're expecting it the most, but I can assure you... he will most certainly hit you when you think you're strong enough to handle it on your own. In the times when you feel invincible... in those moments you feel confident in your own strength and put the Savior's at a safe distance. Satan maneuvers and manipulates every single weakness we have in hopes for us to fall flat on our face. You see as Christians, he can never take our salvation and he knows he can never have us... but he makes it his job to make us fall whenever he can and cause us to lose a testimony we worked so desperately to combat. It takes months, even years to change your life from old habits and approximately 30 seconds to get back into it. That's the evil beauty of seduction. The enemy doesn't seduce us with something we hate or something that doesn't tempt us... he chooses our sinful natures desires... those things we at times so long to be apart of.

The beauty of this story is that it doesn't matter what I did last weekend or what I'll do next weekend... God's redeeming power is so much bigger than it all. I am enough because he was first enough and I can rest in him because His power is perfect in my weakness. His grace IS sufficient for me. It has, it is, and it always will be. We (I) think that by admitting we have weaknesses, it makes me weak. If we stay away from our temptations and weaknesses then that means we don't have big enough faith, when in reality, what if God is trying to teach us to lean on Him in everything and that it is perhaps not my job to 'prove' I can 'handle the pressure'? I so often feel that my Christianity is about 'proving' this or 'proving' that when it's not. What if it's just about admitting I'm weak... so He can make me strong?

One of my favorite authors, Beth Moore, has a great book out titled "Get Out of the Pit". I'd like to share a portion of it with you. Beth is telling a story about how she began receiving Barbies... a cute story of a little girl that brought her barbies to church and they would make them raise their hands in praise so ever since then people have given her barbies...

This most recent Barbie was dressed like me (hip, I hope, but alas, modest). She had a makeshift bible in one hand (appeared to be a King James) while the other was stretched decisively heavenward. This doll had one inadvertent similarity to me that overrode all the others. It even made up for the gross age discrepancy that no one seemed willing to acknowledge. One of Barbie's feet had been gnawed right off at the calf. The group extended their regrets, of course, explaining that the family dog of the original owner had gotten hold of the doll the day before they left. They were understandably disappointed but decided the doll was, by and large, no worse for the wear.
I stared at the Barbie for a minute. She looked so strange at first. So well coiffed, so fitted for her calling, and yet she had a gnawed-off foot. Then I nodded. Not to anyone else really. Just to God. Well, maybe also to Barbie. Though the group didn't know it, they'd hit the nail right on the head, or maybe the leg right on the stump. That was me all right.
No, I don't have a missing leg, but if you could see me with your spiritual eyes, surely at least one of my legs is gnawed off at the knee. Ephesians 4:27 warns, "Do not give the devil a foothold." Uh, too late. Satan has wounded me, but he hasn't devoured me. He got the leg, but he's never gotten the thigh, though goodness knows he wanted it. I may walk with a spiritual limp, but thanks to God, who holds me up and urges me to lean on Him, at least I can walk. So can you. Walk away from that pit before it's the death of you.

Satan has wounded me... oh too many times, but he hasn't and won't devour me. I do walk with a spiritual limp and some days, it just plain hurts. I can get up from here and I can walk on, limping, but walking and when I fall or slip, my Savior picks me up and guides me as I rest on Him. It's usually never the easy thing, but it's the hard thing. Satan's lies are just that... lies. We give him far too much material to work with, but be aware. There's an enemy out there and he wants more than a foot... he wants it all and will stop at nothing to get it. I have be wounded, but by God's grace and redeeming love... I can get up and do the next thing right and never again... be caught in that familiar place.

To Our Knees

I've been thinking a lot about prayer lately... maybe I should be doing more of it rather than just thinking about it :-). For some reason I was reminded of when I was in high school and after every basketball game our team would circle around center court, hold hands and recite the Lord's Prayer. Now when I say recite I mean say it at the speed of light. You've never in your life seen a prayer said so quickly! In my memory of it I was actually laughing all by myself because it was just ridiculous. We said it as quickly and painlessly as we could... ready to move on. It made me wonder how often we do that in our own lives. Prayer isn't about our time to talk to God... it's how quick and painless can we make it? I think we forget that the Lord's Prayer... is our 'Dummies Guide' to how to pray. I want to break it down and take a look at it... and see how Jesus laid it out there for us.

Our Father, which art in Heaven,
Hallowed by thy name.

Jesus starts the prayer with 'Our Father'. Not 'my' Father, not 'your' Father... 'our' Father. He quickly puts ourselves in the same boat as he is. He makes it as though he is equal to us as Children of God. Instead of calling him 'God' or something of that sort, he uses the phrase 'Father'... he makes it so personal. Next, Jesus says 'hallowed' be thy name. Webster's dictionary says hallowed means to hold sacred or to be holy. Jesus reminds us that in the simple name of God... He's holy and we are to claim that and remember that He is just that. We so flippantly call him 'Father' and we claim his name to be holy, but when it's inconvenient for us to uphold that... we let it slip to the side.

Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done.
On earth as it is in heaven.

Ok, yeah... because we really mean this one. Be honest with me for a second. How many of you have said these 3 little lines and not meant it a bit more than a man in the moon? I certainly have! Many times. When I say it what I mean is... "Ok, so I want your will done, God, but how about your will be my will?". We always want what we want when we want it. And why shouldn't we? Everything else in the world is that way. We can get it anyway we want it. We forget that the entire point of our existence is to glorify God... to makes fishers of men... to advance the cause. When will we truly fall on our face and desire His will be done... regardless of my own selfish ambitions?

Give us this day our daily bread.

So I'm gonna leave this one by itself because the kicker's coming up. Take a moment to breath :)

Forgive us our trespasses.
As we forgive those who trespass against us.

So I love this one. I almost find it humorous in a weird sort of way. Please know I'm condemning no one, but only writing this out of complete personal experience! We beg, plead and cry for God to forgive us. We pour out our souls and just expect Him to do it... but in the same exact breath we're screaming 'Did you see what she did to me?'. I can't even tell you how many times I've flippantly prayed this one. I expect forgiveness, but can't in turn let go of what so and so said about me. I just can't 'let it go' because it hurt so bad. The moment of realization comes when you see a sinless man hanging from a blood stained cross and quickly remember... He let it go. *ouch*

And lead us not into temptation;
But deliver us from evil.

This one always gets me, too... how many times are we begging God to save us from evil and help us flee from the schemes of the evil one, but we're following the lead of the wrong one?

For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory.
For ever and ever. Amen.

I love how he ends and begins giving sole glory to God. He begins with calling Him Father... claiming his name to be holy and ends with giving it all back to him. For EVERYTHING is yours Lord... everything.

Growing up, I always felt like there wasn't much I could learn from the Lord's Prayer. I felt it was just something you said that everyone knew. There wasn't much meaning to it and it was rather repetitive. When I started looking closer into it, I picked out so many pieces I could use for my own prayer life. We so often forget about our prayer lives. We say whatever we feel like at the time and forget the meaning in what we are saying. We cry out for the pain of the world when some days we should simply be crying out for the pain of ourselves. We find weakness in coming to God broken or without it all together. That's what he wants!!! He wants us broken because HE wants to be the one to put us back together. He wants that shambled heart we bring him so HE can be the glue that forms it back. We give Him so little credit. We make him our last resort when He should be our first. We make Him the least when he should be the most. When will we just realize that all He wants is us.... Unveiled faces falling to our knees in the holiness and majesty of Him. Desiring to know Him through and through and not just getting through it as quickly as we can.

Advance the Cause

My best friend was sharing with me something her pastor said in his sermon. He told his congregation that Jesus said 'I trust you to advance the cause'. Wow. I really had to think about it for a second when she told me. I've actually been thinking about it all day since I heard it. Isn't it so true, though? Isn't that the entire purpose of our existence? I mean I know we have other responsibilities and things God desires for us to accomplish, but our main goal and focus in life should be to simply 'advance the cause'. I feel like as Christians we so often miss the boat of our purpose. We lose sight of the fact that we are commanded to reach the lost... we do have a mission field. We get so caught up in the 'this church does this, this church does that' or arguing about doctorinal issues, and we make it much more difficult than we have to. Jesus has entrusted us with so much... He has put the responsibility in our hands with the hope and trust that we will carry it out. We have the knowledge and understanding of something so powerful yet so simple at the same time. It's the message of grace. Our cause for living and our reason for getting up in the morning. It's a simple message of a Savior's love. A love so deep that would put an innocent man on the cross for our sins... that he would bear the weight of the entire world and die a painful death. Only to be buried and by God's miraculous power, be raised from the dead 3 days later and give us the eternal hope for a life lived in redeeming love and conquering grace. It's more than a bedtime story or a good fable. It was real and it happened and it should make us live our lives differently. We should be forever changed because of it and stop living like it doesn't make a difference. You see... it's not about what church is wrong for singing this or not singing that... it's not about the debate of who's right or who's wrong. It's a simple matter of being trusted with a truth so great it can change lives. Life is simply about advancing that truth... the truth that is the cause of everything we do and everything we are... a truth and a cause worth dying for. For to whom much is given, much will be required. You have been entrusted with something great... I trust you will advance the cause... are you ready?

at the end of the day

There are so many times I sit and wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn't made certain choices or if I'd done things differently. I think if we're all honest with ourselves then we've all been there. I read a book recently that made a startling point. In the book the author was talking to her husband about a horrific experience he'd had as a child. He asked her what she thought he might have been like if he hadn't gone through that and he'd not made bad choices. She says God gave her the words she responded with and she said 'You're a much neater person healed than you would have ever been well.'. I keep wondering the same thing. What would I be like if that hadn't happened? Who would I be? The point is I don't know who I'd be and in fact I barely know who I am now... but my God does. He didn't make me well for a reason... he healed me. How much stronger have I become because of it? I feel so weak, but oh isn't that the point? For when I am weak, then I am strong. For His power is perfected in my weakness. Could I have ever given my all, my complete trust to God if I had been well? I'd like to think I couldn't have... that it took a wound... and it took Him to heal it. You can't get to the mountaintops from another mountaintop. You get to it from the valley. I know a few things... if I hadn't gone through what I did I'd have never met 1 of the closest friends I have right now. I thought of this today and it was mind blowing. I wondered why I'm where I am... why I have to go through this and I was so quickly reminded of all the blessings God gave me because of what I went through. My other family, the Coscia's that he put back into my life... the group of amazing people from my Tres Dias family and my incredible friend Suz. It took my valley for all that to happen. I do not have all the answers and as that wise friend reminded me, I don't have to right now! God's timing is just that... His. I know he is in control of my life and he holds the time table. Days will still be hard and some days will just plain suck, but I have some special special people there to hold my hand and walk beside me and I have my creator... that knows every hair on my head. I don't know why I am where I am or why I feel 'lost'... but He does... and at the end of the day... that's really all that matters.

Alone in a crowded room...

Have you ever been there? You are in a room surrounded by many people, but you just feel so completely alone. I don't know what my deal is, but I've been sitting there the past couple of days. Nothing completely tragic has happened or any major event that should have triggered this, but I just feel it... right in the pit of my stomach. Don't get me wrong... I've met some very great people here and I have a couple of friends that I would really like to get to know on deeper levels, but work schedules and school schedules seem to prohibit that from happening as often as I'd like. There's no real point to this blog... I guess just a vent session. We all need those sometimes. My whole plan to be funny from now on didn't seem to work so well. I know God has me here for a reason. I know he has a great plan for my life and I know he needs me to stay here for now or he wouldn't have allowed me to get a second job so easily. He totally orchestrated that one. I just feel so lost up here. I thought I came to find out who I was, but a part of me feels like I'm more lost than when I came. Sure I got some things right and I fixed some problems that I'd had, but I wonder if I'm falling back into the same pattern. Am I still allowing the enemy to torment me in all the same ways? When will what I do ever just be enough? Do I get close to people, but not too close? I just don't feel like I "fit". Maybe I don't, but maybe a part of me doesn't want to. If I "fit" does that mean I have to stay? I guess I wanted to get away from where I was so badly that I just assumed here would be all the answers... I would figure it all out and start my whole new life and be happy. It's not been quite the fairytale I planned. I guess nothing is really supposed to be. Am I making it worse than it is? It's like that feeling when you're trying so hard to get your head above water... you've fought and fought and you finally begin to see the top. You think you'll never be able to breathe again, but by the grace of God your face reaches the surface and you take a breath, but a wave immediately crashes back down on you... and your pushed again... even further down. I don't know what the answer is or when I'll ever figure it out or even what the point of this blog was other than to strictly vent it all out. Well, it's vented, and perhaps never should have been blogged about, but maybe you're there. Maybe you feel that way and those special people in your life either aren't there when you thought they'd be or they are 1200 miles away. Some days it just gets to me. Maybe it's because Carolina lost tonight :) or maybe it's because of some personal things I'm dealing with... but it's where I am tonight. The good news is I know the One person that has the answers. The Kings of Kings and the Lord of Lords knows my every need and my every desire... and that's the reason I get to keep on going... alone in a crowded room or not.

A little reminder...

I don't know about you, but I certainly need a reminder today:

My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over and so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.
2 Cor 12:9-10

"I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift." I don't know where you are or what has happened in your life but I know where I've been today and I need the reminder. I've been handicapped... one too many times and today was one of those days. I need to appreciate the gift and remember I'm just a girl in need of a Savior... and when I let him take over... the weaker I get... the stronger I become. My God is ready, willing and able... but am I ready, willing and able to hand it over to Him? Seems to be a recurring theme in my life!

Look- a squirrel!

A group of my most holiest friends were together this weekend. We had a blast together and laughed til my sides hurt (they are still a lil sore). These girls are the best and I'll never forget some of the memories we made.

While we were together we began talking about a rather popular subject for Christian woman... the Mary vs. Martha saga. Now I have always been a firm believer that Mary was just plain lazy. Martha was doing all the work and Mary just sat around. We came up with many scenarios of why we thought Martha gets it a little too hard and Mary just gets off easy. For starters, Jesus seemed to always be at Martha's house. Why? Probably because Mary's was a disaster from her laziness. 1 of my closest friends decided that Mary was also a thief. When she saw our bewildered faces she continued on to say that there was no way Mary could have afforded an expensive perfume by sitting around all the time and she certainly had to have stolen it from Martha who actually did some work. (I don't know if anyone else is laughing, but this was hilarious to me... maybe you had to be there). The last and final conclusion we came to (which is my very favorite) is that Martha could have been ADD. What if the poor girl was sitting listening to Jesus and was distracted by everything? Can't you see it? Jesus is talking and Martha's twiddling her thumbs... she darts her head to the left and exclaims, 'LOOK! It's a squirrel' and jumps up completely distracted. That's funny right there... I don't care who you are.

If you know me well, then you know I mean no disrespect to anything written or to any of these people of the Bible. It was a fun time and we had a blast turning the tides on the Martha vs. Mary saga. I think that's the point sometimes. We get so wrapped up in theology or in the seriousness of the scriptures that we forget to have fun. We think we can have fun, but we have to go away from God to do it. Don't get me wrong... I believe they should be respected and we should be serious about them sometimes, but there are days we just need to laugh. Days we need to decide that today I'm going to say Martha was ADD and today I'm going to decide that I don't have to be Mary all the time. I think we concentrate so much on trying to be 1 person or the other that we tend to forget who we are. We think God was never funny or that he's serious all the time. It's not true!! God is hilarious!! He told me so :) There are times when we need to be serious and sit before the throne of God in reverence, but there are days when I need to pull up a chair beside him with my best girlfriends and joke and laugh with him til my sides hurt and scream, 'Look! It's a squirrel!!'.