.confusion.

The confusion is crippling. Caught between the reality of who I used to be and who I've become is a gray line of disaster. I'm lost in the cycle. I feel quietly alone, yet surrounded by people. I'm finding the truth of the reality is sometimes scarier than what I had imagined. Are walls put up to protect us from others or to keep us from others? When do we decide the risk is worth it? I'm a risk taker - the rush you get when you do something that you know isn't safe or others might frown upon, the feeling takes over your entire body and it's exhilirating. Has my love of risk clouded all judgement? I want to not be the same person anymore, I want to believe I'm different, but what if I'm not? What if I never changed and I'm stuck in always being this way - always being this person. Will I always be the one that people leave? Will I always let people in - only so much just in case they leave? How long do the new people in my life have to pay for the old people's mistakes? I want to live in the reality that I'm free from who I used to be - that I've changed and I've grown, but days like today - it comes creeping back and overtakes my body - to a point where I can breathe and I'm suffocating in the reality that I could yet again screw it up. I'm horrified that in either decision I could make the worst mistake of my life. I need people - I know I do, but at what expense? How can I find the balance between giving people what they want and still being me? When does someone walk in that loves you for you - and that you don't have to change for? The confusion is crippling - it's blinding and it's painful. It takes you over and until you can see the surface - break through the top - it will continue to consume you. I'm looking to be free of the confusion. See the blue skies and bask in the sun breathing normally and not feel so lost. Wanting it is the easy part - doing the necessary parts to get it - the hard part.

the 'ah-ha' moments...

I believe we're all faced with moments in our lives that are life changing and only we have the power to determine what affect they will have on our lives. Oprah refers to this as an 'ah-ha' moment... a time when the light bulb clicks and it just changes everything. I've thought a lot about my 'ah-ha' moments lately. It's nice to have a reminder of them...

* when you get the opportunity to see yourself through someone else's eyes

* when you get to do something you love

* when the time and energy you've instilled into people's lives pay off

* the thrill of watching my girls win their very first tournament

* when someone smiles simply because they saw you

* laughing until your stomach hurts... when you have no clue what's so funny

* believing in the possibility of people that will be there for you

* knowing friendship knows no limits... or miles

* moving 1500 miles across the country and knowing no one

* choosing to stay... and not picking up your ball and running home

* waking up because you get to... not because you have to and that tomorrow is worth it

* realizing that sometimes the greatest moments, have no words to express them

* the moment it sinks in that you are here for something greater

* finding out that what they think, doesn't really matter

* friendships that make your world worth living in and friends that would move the world to make you happy... that are there to pull you off the ledge when you get a little too close

I'm thankful for so much, but mostly my friends. The people that make me smile everyday. My 'ah-ha' moments are still continuing but my life is now what I make it and it's worth getting up everyday for... snow or not ;)