.confusion.

The confusion is crippling. Caught between the reality of who I used to be and who I've become is a gray line of disaster. I'm lost in the cycle. I feel quietly alone, yet surrounded by people. I'm finding the truth of the reality is sometimes scarier than what I had imagined. Are walls put up to protect us from others or to keep us from others? When do we decide the risk is worth it? I'm a risk taker - the rush you get when you do something that you know isn't safe or others might frown upon, the feeling takes over your entire body and it's exhilirating. Has my love of risk clouded all judgement? I want to not be the same person anymore, I want to believe I'm different, but what if I'm not? What if I never changed and I'm stuck in always being this way - always being this person. Will I always be the one that people leave? Will I always let people in - only so much just in case they leave? How long do the new people in my life have to pay for the old people's mistakes? I want to live in the reality that I'm free from who I used to be - that I've changed and I've grown, but days like today - it comes creeping back and overtakes my body - to a point where I can breathe and I'm suffocating in the reality that I could yet again screw it up. I'm horrified that in either decision I could make the worst mistake of my life. I need people - I know I do, but at what expense? How can I find the balance between giving people what they want and still being me? When does someone walk in that loves you for you - and that you don't have to change for? The confusion is crippling - it's blinding and it's painful. It takes you over and until you can see the surface - break through the top - it will continue to consume you. I'm looking to be free of the confusion. See the blue skies and bask in the sun breathing normally and not feel so lost. Wanting it is the easy part - doing the necessary parts to get it - the hard part.

the 'ah-ha' moments...

I believe we're all faced with moments in our lives that are life changing and only we have the power to determine what affect they will have on our lives. Oprah refers to this as an 'ah-ha' moment... a time when the light bulb clicks and it just changes everything. I've thought a lot about my 'ah-ha' moments lately. It's nice to have a reminder of them...

* when you get the opportunity to see yourself through someone else's eyes

* when you get to do something you love

* when the time and energy you've instilled into people's lives pay off

* the thrill of watching my girls win their very first tournament

* when someone smiles simply because they saw you

* laughing until your stomach hurts... when you have no clue what's so funny

* believing in the possibility of people that will be there for you

* knowing friendship knows no limits... or miles

* moving 1500 miles across the country and knowing no one

* choosing to stay... and not picking up your ball and running home

* waking up because you get to... not because you have to and that tomorrow is worth it

* realizing that sometimes the greatest moments, have no words to express them

* the moment it sinks in that you are here for something greater

* finding out that what they think, doesn't really matter

* friendships that make your world worth living in and friends that would move the world to make you happy... that are there to pull you off the ledge when you get a little too close

I'm thankful for so much, but mostly my friends. The people that make me smile everyday. My 'ah-ha' moments are still continuing but my life is now what I make it and it's worth getting up everyday for... snow or not ;)

living in the snow: lessons from a florida girl

I grew up in Florida. Contrary to what you may think- where I grew up it doesn't snow. 72 is a cold spell and we are pulling out our North Face jackets. God moved me where it snows- a lot. Not a little- a whole whole lot. Growing up I knew pretty much one thing about snow... it was a blast to ski in.

Moving here last year I really had no clue what in the world I was getting myself into. 'Snow' they said? Oh- I'm sure it can't be that bad! Uh huh. Last year I had my very good friend tell me a little secret she had heard to help with the snow. You see, when it snows a lot or we have ice, your windshield wipers get all icy and then they don't work well. This friend had been told a great way to help with this problem was to put tube socks on your wipers and then bam- they are great in the morning. Mentioning no names- SUZ PATRICK- you have to understand Suz told me this trick a year ago and I'd never tried it. The other day we had quite a large snow to which she asked, 'you haven't tried what I told you a year ago, have you?'... I quickly responded that I had my softball socks all ready to go. When I got home last night... it was snowing hard so I thought what could be a better time to try this out? After battling a bit to get them on there... I was ready to go. I couldn't wait to see what a great job this little trick would do and what TIME it would save me. This morning I rushed out to my snow covered car... I brushed away the many inches of snow and smiled to see my happy little black and white striped socks covering and protecting my windshield wipers. To my horror as I went to remove them... I found them frozen- solid as a freakin' rock. I pondered a moment what to do. How in the world could this great trick have turned so badly? Already late for work, I decided to deal with it- after all- it wasn't snowing and I wouldn't need the wipers. Surely the sun would melt them down as the day went on?

My drive to work wasn't the ease I expected. Everytime a car flew by, the snow and water would fly up onto my windshield. Out of pure instinct I would turn on the windshield wipers which would go back and forth with frozen tube socks smearing the water even more while my defroster continued to melt it. Thank the Lord I don't have a Florida tag on my car. I finally arrived at work in one piece- very thankful I might add. I wasn't sure what to do about this problem, but I certainly wasn't about to ask anyone for help because then this meant I had to show them my shameful frozen tube socks. I went into work confident the sun would melt it enough for me to get it off. Sometime this afternoon I decided I should go check on my 'issue'. I opted to go out the back door where we have a steep hill... surely I could simply walk up. It was only snow... we hadn't really had any ice. Way to go genius- you have tube socks frozen to your wipers, but don't consider the possibility of ice? As I make my way up the hill- so far, so good. Then that moment of slow motion, the moment you know you've hit the ice and you no longer have feet below you and you see yourself plummeting... yep, that was me, wiped out. Not one to give up- I simply tried again... only to realize the only way up, was to crawl. My crawl was a success and I quickly stood up, checking around to see who had seen my embarrassment and trying to sneak to my car so no one would see me 'working' on it. Fairly confident, I figured I'd take them off and be done. All my efforts proved to be in vain... when still, the tube socks are frozen solid. Hanging my head in shame, I return to work. (In the front door and NOT down the hill... don't worry).

On my way home I had a brilliant idea. I could cut them off! Of course this would work. Slice them down the side- then pry them off. I waited until it was dark, the less people to see me and bundled up... it was cold out there so I was covered from head to toe. I walk out confident this will work. Have you ever tried to cut a block of ice with kid scissors? That's what I felt like I was doing- not a chance. Feeling like an even bigger idiot... what would I do?! Considering hot water were an issue- it could crack my windshield. I'm going to need my wipers! I can't continue going on like this until MARCH! Another random idea occurs... a hot towel. Careful not to get it on my windshield, I finally manage to loosen them up enough to pry them off my windshield- Thank you Jesus!! What an experience today was. The good news- I have pictures to prove it, but I do have two things to say. I believe I have found the newest kick- butt weapon ever- frozen tube socks... I mean you could knock someone out cold with that thing- and two... I believe this would be considered the northern version of tp-ing. I'm making my list right now!



This pic is after I took it off my wiper... holding it STRAIGHT up in the air! rofl!

called out

Have you ever been called out? I got called out- and boy did I deserve it. I'm not talking about an arrogant, prideful 'I told you so' called out... just one of those where the person really didn't have to say much... I knew I was out of line before I read the first two words.

What began as a simple vacation back home, has turned into an overwhelming flood of emotions. God has been working me overtime. He's been challenging me in ways that I never even imagine. When I think I have an answer- a solution- I'm quickly reminded there's so much more I have to work on. So much more that I have to do.

I was in a situation earlier where I was put in my place. I don't mean any negativity on the person that did it because I don't think you can be put in a place unless you are out of it- and I was. In fact, they were must nicer than they could have and probably should have been because they are actually still talking to me! Haha! What that person had no idea of- is what effect that conversation would have to the very next person I saw.

My aunt and I have rarely talked at all in any depth. I do believe she is one of the wisest women I've ever had the priviledge to know. She coaches basketball and I love basketball. She invited me to come work with the coaches and the team at a Thanksgiving tournament today. I was thrilled. She came and picked me up early and we were going to do some stuff for her class at school. In one simple question she began a chain of a conversation I never saw coming. The woman knew me from cover to cover with no one ever telling her anything. She began talking about our family... all the way back to her grandfather and the chain of events he began. As a child she would see him preaching hell, fire and brimstone (he was a preacher of a church) and turn around and go get so drunk he couldn't stand up. She remembers seeing this as a small child and it shaped the way she thought people should live. She grew up with an alcoholic father and only to marry into an abusive relationship. In short- the book challenged her to stop the cycle that had started. To re-parent her children and break that cycle so that they no longer had to live in it. I think at this point my mouth was to the floor. She began challenging me with the fact that this cycle WAS passed down to me and if I don't stop it, I will pass it to my children. She saw right through me. Right through the shield I'd placed up that everything was ok. I was floored by what she had to say to me and much of it that I cannot share here. As much as I hated to be called out today- I believe it set me up for the next thing that happened. I was so vulnerable with what had happened... there was no wall for my aunt to try and break down. She could see right through it. If I hadn't had that earlier... that might have never happened.

So I got a book- I got a book on everything I've been trying to put into order this past year. I also got an aunt I've rarely talked to in detail to give me exactly what I needed to hear to find who I am to be. To finally have all the tools, all the ways to get past all this and be able to make it a reality and truly live in the freedom I can. Break the cycle... it rings over and over in my head... when I realize that it's not just something stupid I've done... when I see entire generations of this happening... it puts a whole new spin on things. When you look back over your family and see you were almost destined for this to happen... it rocks you. I don't want to pass that kind of legacy on... I want to break it. And I truly believe I have everything I need to do that. I bet that one that called me out-had no clue the part that conversation would play in this... but I'm pretty freakin' excited it did :)

believe

Since I started this blog it's kind of been an outpouring of my soul. I'm not always good at talking about what's going on with me, but I've always been able to write it. Most days when I write on my blog I forget that anyone at anytime can read it and at times I get going and probably tell too much. I guess on some level I feel like this can hold me to a level of accountability I could never match. Like if I write it down and in a sense admit and say it... someone knows where I need help. I don't sit in a dark corner dealing with all my issues alone or repress them until I explode... I give people the chance to help me. I feel like I'm very open and always very honest but this one... is hard to write.

I've never had a problem believing in my abilities. Most things in my life have come naturally to me. I don't remember not playing basketball in my life and from what I know, I've always been good at it. Having a basketball in my hand has always made me feel the greatest. I felt like I could do almost anything- and I was always the most confident on the court. Maybe somedays a little too confident. It was the same with school. I never really had difficulty with it and most of the time I never studied. Right or wrong, good or bad, confidence in my abilities has never really been an issue and most people that know me on any level- would probably agree.

Admitting weakness has always been one of the hardest things for me. Admitting I need people or can't do it alone- is excruciating. If I do have a weakness, I do what most of us do... mask it with my strengths. When it comes to physical ability- I believe God has blessed me beyond measure. I've always been taught that if I put my mind to something, I could do anything and for the most part, I have believed it and run with it, but when it comes to truly believing in myself- I'm missing the boat.

I'll never make a secret of where I've come from and I'll never pretend that God didn't bring me from the pit and help me climb to the mountaintop. When Satan wants to mess with me- he reminds me of that pit and how miserable I was there. He plays back every bad decision I ever made and one in particular he throws at me over and over... some days in slow motion. I believe with all my heart that God has redeemed me... I think :)... but when it comes right down to it, I feel like I can't trust myself. I have no faith in who I've become. In a way, it's kind of like telling God that I don't think He did all of his job. That He can have this part of my life... but this part I don't trust Him with and can't quite give over.

I have been blessed beyond all measure with the most amazing people in my life in this last year. I mean some of the most amazing people I've met in all of my life. I can't explain what they have done for me, but one thing I will say- they believe in me. They don't just believe in me- the remind me they do. They tell me how much they believe in me and I can't express what that's like for someone that doesn't believe in herself. It's so hard to admit that I haven't been able to get to that point. It feels like a missing piece of the puzzle. I felt like having these people believe in me would keep me ok- it would make me deal with it and even if I couldn't do it, I could go off their strength. Wow- what pressure to put on others.

As necessary as these peoples belief in me is (and I think God for it)- I was reminded that I can never get where I need to if I don't believe in myself. That's the step I'm missing- the puzzle piece that makes it all work. They can believe in me all day long, and I know they do, but if I can't believe in what God has done for me and WHO HE has made me- it just can't work. I will continue to live in defeat. My lack of trust in myself is a lack of faith. It's telling God I don't believe He can do what He says. I believe part of it- but not all of it. I can't trust myself- because I can't give all of myself to God. At the end of the day, you're right, I can't trust myself to myself- when I give it all to God- ALL of me, that's when I get to start trusting who I am. I don't want to limit God, but I have been. I've been telling him I don't believe what He can do when really... He's the one I should trust the most. I'm not saying, *bam* I trust myself, but I do have a whole new outlook... and maybe it's time to take a little pressure off those people. Take their belief in me and prove them absolutely right, let them look and smile at what they have seen God do and that I finally believe it for myself. That my God started an amazing work- and I finally see it, too.

be still... and quiet.

I drove around one day last weekend for an hour- lost. Everyone I called to help was unavailable... I couldn't figure out where I was and it was dark- dark and cold. Being lost wasn't the problem- how it made me feel was. I couldn't figure out why it made me so upset... why it made me want to break down and cry. I spend most of my life lost. It's not unusual for me to be in that exact situation on any given day and laugh about it. That day I didn't feel like laughing. I thought I knew where I was going. I thought I knew street names and when I would find one I knew, it turned out to be the same name- but a different street. When I thought I found a way, it would turn out I had no clue where I was and the longer I tried to find it, the darker it got. I finally had to retrace exactly how I'd gotten there. I had to remember how I had come and go exactly back that way. While it sounds simple enough, it sent me over the edge.

It didn't hit me until later the reason it had rocked my world so much. It had nothing to do with being in a location lost and everything to do with feeling like that was my life. I was overcome with feelings that I had no clue where my life was going and that I felt exactly as helpless driving around out there as I did in my own life. What was my next move? Where did I want to go? What did I want to do? I felt like I was taking one step forward and two steps back.

Today I spent time with some very dear friends of mine. If you know me well I'm usually going 90 to nothing all the time. I am go go go and that's the way I like it. Today was far from that. It was quiet, it was sit around, do whatever you felt like. It's something I'm not quite used to. It drove me almost crazy. I mentioned to my best friend on the phone, "I need to figure out why I can't just be... why I need to continually be entertained?". What was I afraid of? Why couldn't I just be?

Being lost and being quiet- two of the things I like the least and I was confronted with them back to back. I think God's trying to tell me something and I think I should listen. I love the phrase 'Be Still And Know That I Am God' but how often do I practice it? It doesn't have to be lights, camera, action all the time... sometimes I just need to sit. Maybe if I would sit and listen a little more often, I wouldn't be lost so often. The lost part hit a little closer to home. I'm pretty sure I know exactly what I want, but getting there is a little more difficult. I have no clue how I'm going to get there. As it's almost Thanksgiving I began to think about those times I've been lost. How thankful I am for them. It's the times when I'm lost that I learn the most. It's the times when I'm lost I'm so grateful I was found. I believe God uses the times we have no where else to turn to teach us the things we will hold onto forever. It's been said that mountaintops prepare you for valley duty. I felt like I was in the bottom of the valley last Saturday night and I came close to forgetting everything I'd learned on the mountaintop. I was willing to give it all away in a flash. It took a special person to remind me it wasn't worth it and no matter how alone I felt... I really wasn't. The interesting thing is I happened to find this person at a time when I was so completely lost. I was reminded that not only does God teach us the most things when we might be lost, but sometimes He gives us some of the best gifts and people to come into our lives.

It's the times when we're lost that if we would just stop for a second... stop trying to find our way and simply be still- our God is closer than He ever was. We learn, we grow and we are given gifts further beyond our imaginations... when we are lost. In the times of quiet, our God guides us, holds us and shows us the lessons He needs us to learn. Being lost reminds me of where I have been- where I have come from. It reminds me that while I was lost, I thank Him I was found. In my quiet moments, my God speaks the loudest... maybe I should listen a little more often.

those cool lil God moments

God moments. Sacred moments of grace. Whatever you call them, you know what I'm talking about. Those times when you're going through something, dealing with an issue and you know the truth, but a little extra confirmation is always nice? Well, I got mine... and in a big way.

In my previous post I wrote about my backyard. I knew that God absolutely was calling me to rid of some 'friendships' in my life and to get them out of my backyard. I was confident of it. I haven't been to my church in weeks. I was out of town for 2 and because of some other things, it has caused me to miss. They were doing a series on raising kids and forgive me, but it wasn't something I was excited about. Sure, maybe I'll be there one day, but it's not exactly what I'm in the market to hear right now. Isn't it just like God to find a way to shut me up?

My pastor is cutting edge. He's definitely out of the box, but what he did on Sunday... was extreme for even him. We have 5 total weekend services. Two on Saturday night and three on Sunday. I happened to be at the very last one on Sunday. The sermon was titled 'Return of the Leeches'. Um. Huh? In a jar on stage he had... yep, you guessed it... leeches. While he began explaining about leeches, he stuck his hand in the jar and started pushing them around. To my horror, he didn't stop there. He rolled up his sleeve and pulled two out placing them on his bare arm. This being the last service, he had already done this four other times. The results of the previous times were evident in the bloodstained places all over his arm. As he talked for about 10 minutes explaining how these creatures act, the leeches remained on his arm... attached. It made my skin crawl. I had no idea where he was going, but just hoped he would get there quickly. The words he spoke next, were profound to me.

He explained that there are people in our lives strictly there to take from us. The leeches on his arm were taking from him, feeding off him, but giving him nothing in return. We have people that are strictly there to suck the life out of us. We allow them to latch on and when we do, it's difficult to get them off, the same with the leech attached to his arm. They feed off our vulnerability and take whatever they can from us giving us nothing in return. He then pointed to the other places on his scarred arm. He had barely been able to get the bleeding to stop from the previous service to begin this one. He then said that even when we rid the leeches in our lives, the effects they've had on our life are still evident and many times we are left... still bleeding. As he removed them, it was rather difficult for him to. He had a paper towel and throughout the service he continually had to wipe the blood from his arm. By the time the service was finished, the entire paper towel was red. He knew this was extreme, but asked if any of us would have understood the effects if we hadn't seen it with out own eyes? It's just like us... to need that. God moment? A huge one.

I walked out almost unable to speak. I was shocked at the little amount of faith I'd had in God to teach me that day and in the magnitude He showed up. When God has spoken to you He will show you and confirm to you over and over again the direction you are supposed to head. I felt it in the depths of my soul that these people I needed to rid myself of still had me bleeding. The effects may never truly go away, but how much stronger can I be if this 'leech' isn't trying to suck the life out of me? I had given them too much power for way too long. Allowed them to be in fellowship with me and it was causing me everything I wasn't willing to give. I'm no longer willing to sacrifice who I am to please people that have given me NOTHING in return... those who are only there to take, take, take. Sure I got it before... I understood they needed to be gone... but who knew it would take a leech attached to my pastor's arm... to really get it.