Just a girl in need of a Savior

.confusion.

2008-06-02T18:51:00.002-04:30

The confusion is crippling. Caught between the reality of who I used to be and who I've become is a gray line of disaster. I'm lost in the cycle. I feel quietly alone, yet surrounded by people. I'm finding the truth of the reality is sometimes scarier than what I had imagined. Are walls put up to protect us from others or to keep us from others? When do we decide the risk is worth it? I'm a risk taker - the rush you get when you do something that you know isn't safe or others might frown upon, the feeling takes over your entire body and it's exhilirating. Has my love of risk clouded all judgement? I want to not be the same person anymore, I want to believe I'm different, but what if I'm not? What if I never changed and I'm stuck in always being this way - always being this person. Will I always be the one that people leave? Will I always let people in - only so much just in case they leave? How long do the new people in my life have to pay for the old people's mistakes? I want to live in the reality that I'm free from who I used to be - that I've changed and I've grown, but days like today - it comes creeping back and overtakes my body - to a point where I can breathe and I'm suffocating in the reality that I could yet again screw it up. I'm horrified that in either decision I could make the worst mistake of my life. I need people - I know I do, but at what expense? How can I find the balance between giving people what they want and still being me? When does someone walk in that loves you for you - and that you don't have to change for? The confusion is crippling - it's blinding and it's painful. It takes you over and until you can see the surface - break through the top - it will continue to consume you. I'm looking to be free of the confusion. See the blue skies and bask in the sun breathing normally and not feel so lost. Wanting it is the easy part - doing the necessary parts to get it - the hard part.

the 'ah-ha' moments...

2008-02-20T14:06:00.004-04:30

I believe we're all faced with moments in our lives that are life changing and only we have the power to determine what affect they will have on our lives. Oprah refers to this as an 'ah-ha' moment... a time when the light bulb clicks and it just changes everything. I've thought a lot about my 'ah-ha' moments lately. It's nice to have a reminder of them...

* when you get the opportunity to see yourself through someone else's eyes

* when you get to do something you love

* when the time and energy you've instilled into people's lives pay off

* the thrill of watching my girls win their very first tournament

* when someone smiles simply because they saw you

* laughing until your stomach hurts... when you have no clue what's so funny

* believing in the possibility of people that will be there for you

* knowing friendship knows no limits... or miles

* moving 1500 miles across the country and knowing no one

* choosing to stay... and not picking up your ball and running home

* waking up because you get to... not because you have to and that tomorrow is worth it

* realizing that sometimes the greatest moments, have no words to express them

* the moment it sinks in that you are here for something greater

* finding out that what they think, doesn't really matter

* friendships that make your world worth living in and friends that would move the world to make you happy... that are there to pull you off the ledge when you get a little too close

I'm thankful for so much, but mostly my friends. The people that make me smile everyday. My 'ah-ha' moments are still continuing but my life is now what I make it and it's worth getting up everyday for... snow or not ;)

living in the snow: lessons from a florida girl

2007-12-06T00:29:00.000-04:00

I grew up in Florida. Contrary to what you may think- where I grew up it doesn't snow. 72 is a cold spell and we are pulling out our North Face jackets. God moved me where it snows- a lot. Not a little- a whole whole lot. Growing up I knew pretty much one thing about snow... it was a blast to ski in.

Moving here last year I really had no clue what in the world I was getting myself into. 'Snow' they said? Oh- I'm sure it can't be that bad! Uh huh. Last year I had my very good friend tell me a little secret she had heard to help with the snow. You see, when it snows a lot or we have ice, your windshield wipers get all icy and then they don't work well. This friend had been told a great way to help with this problem was to put tube socks on your wipers and then bam- they are great in the morning. Mentioning no names- SUZ PATRICK- you have to understand Suz told me this trick a year ago and I'd never tried it. The other day we had quite a large snow to which she asked, 'you haven't tried what I told you a year ago, have you?'... I quickly responded that I had my softball socks all ready to go. When I got home last night... it was snowing hard so I thought what could be a better time to try this out? After battling a bit to get them on there... I was ready to go. I couldn't wait to see what a great job this little trick would do and what TIME it would save me. This morning I rushed out to my snow covered car... I brushed away the many inches of snow and smiled to see my happy little black and white striped socks covering and protecting my windshield wipers. To my horror as I went to remove them... I found them frozen- solid as a freakin' rock. I pondered a moment what to do. How in the world could this great trick have turned so badly? Already late for work, I decided to deal with it- after all- it wasn't snowing and I wouldn't need the wipers. Surely the sun would melt them down as the day went on?

My drive to work wasn't the ease I expected. Everytime a car flew by, the snow and water would fly up onto my windshield. Out of pure instinct I would turn on the windshield wipers which would go back and forth with frozen tube socks smearing the water even more while my defroster continued to melt it. Thank the Lord I don't have a Florida tag on my car. I finally arrived at work in one piece- very thankful I might add. I wasn't sure what to do about this problem, but I certainly wasn't about to ask anyone for help because then this meant I had to show them my shameful frozen tube socks. I went into work confident the sun would melt it enough for me to get it off. Sometime this afternoon I decided I should go check on my 'issue'. I opted to go out the back door where we have a steep hill... surely I could simply walk up. It was only snow... we hadn't really had any ice. Way to go genius- you have tube socks frozen to your wipers, but don't consider the possibility of ice? As I make my way up the hill- so far, so good. Then that moment of slow motion, the moment you know you've hit the ice and you no longer have feet below you and you see yourself plummeting... yep, that was me, wiped out. Not one to give up- I simply tried again... only to realize the only way up, was to crawl. My crawl was a success and I quickly stood up, checking around to see who had seen my embarrassment and trying to sneak to my car so no one would see me 'working' on it. Fairly confident, I figured I'd take them off and be done. All my efforts proved to be in vain... when still, the tube socks are frozen solid. Hanging my head in shame, I return to work. (In the front door and NOT down the hill... don't worry).

On my way home I had a brilliant idea. I could cut them off! Of course this would work. Slice them down the side- then pry them off. I waited until it was dark, the less people to see me and bundled up... it was cold out there so I was covered from head to toe. I walk out confident this will work. Have you ever tried to cut a block of ice with kid scissors? That's what I felt like I was doing- not a chance. Feeling like an even bigger idiot... what would I do?! Considering hot water were an issue- it could crack my windshield. I'm going to need my wipers! I can't continue going on like this until MARCH! Another random idea occurs... a hot towel. Careful not to get it on my windshield, I finally manage to loosen them up enough to pry them off my windshield- Thank you Jesus!! What an experience today was. The good news- I have pictures to prove it, but I do have two things to say. I believe I have found the newest kick- butt weapon ever- frozen tube socks... I mean you could knock someone out cold with that thing- and two... I believe this would be considered the northern version of tp-ing. I'm making my list right now!

This pic is after I took it off my wiper... holding it STRAIGHT up in the air! rofl!

called out

2007-11-23T11:59:00.000-04:00

Have you ever been called out? I got called out- and boy did I deserve it. I'm not talking about an arrogant, prideful 'I told you so' called out... just one of those where the person really didn't have to say much... I knew I was out of line before I read the first two words.

What began as a simple vacation back home, has turned into an overwhelming flood of emotions. God has been working me overtime. He's been challenging me in ways that I never even imagine. When I think I have an answer- a solution- I'm quickly reminded there's so much more I have to work on. So much more that I have to do.

I was in a situation earlier where I was put in my place. I don't mean any negativity on the person that did it because I don't think you can be put in a place unless you are out of it- and I was. In fact, they were must nicer than they could have and probably should have been because they are actually still talking to me! Haha! What that person had no idea of- is what effect that conversation would have to the very next person I saw.

My aunt and I have rarely talked at all in any depth. I do believe she is one of the wisest women I've ever had the priviledge to know. She coaches basketball and I love basketball. She invited me to come work with the coaches and the team at a Thanksgiving tournament today. I was thrilled. She came and picked me up early and we were going to do some stuff for her class at school. In one simple question she began a chain of a conversation I never saw coming. The woman knew me from cover to cover with no one ever telling her anything. She began talking about our family... all the way back to her grandfather and the chain of events he began. As a child she would see him preaching hell, fire and brimstone (he was a preacher of a church) and turn around and go get so drunk he couldn't stand up. She remembers seeing this as a small child and it shaped the way she thought people should live. She grew up with an alcoholic father and only to marry into an abusive relationship. In short- the book challenged her to stop the cycle that had started. To re-parent her children and break that cycle so that they no longer had to live in it. I think at this point my mouth was to the floor. She began challenging me with the fact that this cycle WAS passed down to me and if I don't stop it, I will pass it to my children. She saw right through me. Right through the shield I'd placed up that everything was ok. I was floored by what she had to say to me and much of it that I cannot share here. As much as I hated to be called out today- I believe it set me up for the next thing that happened. I was so vulnerable with what had happened... there was no wall for my aunt to try and break down. She could see right through it. If I hadn't had that earlier... that might have never happened.

So I got a book- I got a book on everything I've been trying to put into order this past year. I also got an aunt I've rarely talked to in detail to give me exactly what I needed to hear to find who I am to be. To finally have all the tools, all the ways to get past all this and be able to make it a reality and truly live in the freedom I can. Break the cycle... it rings over and over in my head... when I realize that it's not just something stupid I've done... when I see entire generations of this happening... it puts a whole new spin on things. When you look back over your family and see you were almost destined for this to happen... it rocks you. I don't want to pass that kind of legacy on... I want to break it. And I truly believe I have everything I need to do that. I bet that one that called me out-had no clue the part that conversation would play in this... but I'm pretty freakin' excited it did :)

believe

2007-11-22T23:33:00.000-04:00

Since I started this blog it's kind of been an outpouring of my soul. I'm not always good at talking about what's going on with me, but I've always been able to write it. Most days when I write on my blog I forget that anyone at anytime can read it and at times I get going and probably tell too much. I guess on some level I feel like this can hold me to a level of accountability I could never match. Like if I write it down and in a sense admit and say it... someone knows where I need help. I don't sit in a dark corner dealing with all my issues alone or repress them until I explode... I give people the chance to help me. I feel like I'm very open and always very honest but this one... is hard to write.

I've never had a problem believing in my abilities. Most things in my life have come naturally to me. I don't remember not playing basketball in my life and from what I know, I've always been good at it. Having a basketball in my hand has always made me feel the greatest. I felt like I could do almost anything- and I was always the most confident on the court. Maybe somedays a little too confident. It was the same with school. I never really had difficulty with it and most of the time I never studied. Right or wrong, good or bad, confidence in my abilities has never really been an issue and most people that know me on any level- would probably agree.

Admitting weakness has always been one of the hardest things for me. Admitting I need people or can't do it alone- is excruciating. If I do have a weakness, I do what most of us do... mask it with my strengths. When it comes to physical ability- I believe God has blessed me beyond measure. I've always been taught that if I put my mind to something, I could do anything and for the most part, I have believed it and run with it, but when it comes to truly believing in myself- I'm missing the boat.

I'll never make a secret of where I've come from and I'll never pretend that God didn't bring me from the pit and help me climb to the mountaintop. When Satan wants to mess with me- he reminds me of that pit and how miserable I was there. He plays back every bad decision I ever made and one in particular he throws at me over and over... some days in slow motion. I believe with all my heart that God has redeemed me... I think :)... but when it comes right down to it, I feel like I can't trust myself. I have no faith in who I've become. In a way, it's kind of like telling God that I don't think He did all of his job. That He can have this part of my life... but this part I don't trust Him with and can't quite give over.

I have been blessed beyond all measure with the most amazing people in my life in this last year. I mean some of the most amazing people I've met in all of my life. I can't explain what they have done for me, but one thing I will say- they believe in me. They don't just believe in me- the remind me they do. They tell me how much they believe in me and I can't express what that's like for someone that doesn't believe in herself. It's so hard to admit that I haven't been able to get to that point. It feels like a missing piece of the puzzle. I felt like having these people believe in me would keep me ok- it would make me deal with it and even if I couldn't do it, I could go off their strength. Wow- what pressure to put on others.

As necessary as these peoples belief in me is (and I think God for it)- I was reminded that I can never get where I need to if I don't believe in myself. That's the step I'm missing- the puzzle piece that makes it all work. They can believe in me all day long, and I know they do, but if I can't believe in what God has done for me and WHO HE has made me- it just can't work. I will continue to live in defeat. My lack of trust in myself is a lack of faith. It's telling God I don't believe He can do what He says. I believe part of it- but not all of it. I can't trust myself- because I can't give all of myself to God. At the end of the day, you're right, I can't trust myself to myself- when I give it all to God- ALL of me, that's when I get to start trusting who I am. I don't want to limit God, but I have been. I've been telling him I don't believe what He can do when really... He's the one I should trust the most. I'm not saying, *bam* I trust myself, but I do have a whole new outlook... and maybe it's time to take a little pressure off those people. Take their belief in me and prove them absolutely right, let them look and smile at what they have seen God do and that I finally believe it for myself. That my God started an amazing work- and I finally see it, too.

be still... and quiet.

2007-11-21T23:59:00.000-04:00

I drove around one day last weekend for an hour- lost. Everyone I called to help was unavailable... I couldn't figure out where I was and it was dark- dark and cold. Being lost wasn't the problem- how it made me feel was. I couldn't figure out why it made me so upset... why it made me want to break down and cry. I spend most of my life lost. It's not unusual for me to be in that exact situation on any given day and laugh about it. That day I didn't feel like laughing. I thought I knew where I was going. I thought I knew street names and when I would find one I knew, it turned out to be the same name- but a different street. When I thought I found a way, it would turn out I had no clue where I was and the longer I tried to find it, the darker it got. I finally had to retrace exactly how I'd gotten there. I had to remember how I had come and go exactly back that way. While it sounds simple enough, it sent me over the edge.

It didn't hit me until later the reason it had rocked my world so much. It had nothing to do with being in a location lost and everything to do with feeling like that was my life. I was overcome with feelings that I had no clue where my life was going and that I felt exactly as helpless driving around out there as I did in my own life. What was my next move? Where did I want to go? What did I want to do? I felt like I was taking one step forward and two steps back.

Today I spent time with some very dear friends of mine. If you know me well I'm usually going 90 to nothing all the time. I am go go go and that's the way I like it. Today was far from that. It was quiet, it was sit around, do whatever you felt like. It's something I'm not quite used to. It drove me almost crazy. I mentioned to my best friend on the phone, "I need to figure out why I can't just be... why I need to continually be entertained?". What was I afraid of? Why couldn't I just be?

Being lost and being quiet- two of the things I like the least and I was confronted with them back to back. I think God's trying to tell me something and I think I should listen. I love the phrase 'Be Still And Know That I Am God' but how often do I practice it? It doesn't have to be lights, camera, action all the time... sometimes I just need to sit. Maybe if I would sit and listen a little more often, I wouldn't be lost so often. The lost part hit a little closer to home. I'm pretty sure I know exactly what I want, but getting there is a little more difficult. I have no clue how I'm going to get there. As it's almost Thanksgiving I began to think about those times I've been lost. How thankful I am for them. It's the times when I'm lost that I learn the most. It's the times when I'm lost I'm so grateful I was found. I believe God uses the times we have no where else to turn to teach us the things we will hold onto forever. It's been said that mountaintops prepare you for valley duty. I felt like I was in the bottom of the valley last Saturday night and I came close to forgetting everything I'd learned on the mountaintop. I was willing to give it all away in a flash. It took a special person to remind me it wasn't worth it and no matter how alone I felt... I really wasn't. The interesting thing is I happened to find this person at a time when I was so completely lost. I was reminded that not only does God teach us the most things when we might be lost, but sometimes He gives us some of the best gifts and people to come into our lives.

It's the times when we're lost that if we would just stop for a second... stop trying to find our way and simply be still- our God is closer than He ever was. We learn, we grow and we are given gifts further beyond our imaginations... when we are lost. In the times of quiet, our God guides us, holds us and shows us the lessons He needs us to learn. Being lost reminds me of where I have been- where I have come from. It reminds me that while I was lost, I thank Him I was found. In my quiet moments, my God speaks the loudest... maybe I should listen a little more often.

those cool lil God moments

2007-11-05T10:53:00.000-04:00

God moments. Sacred moments of grace. Whatever you call them, you know what I'm talking about. Those times when you're going through something, dealing with an issue and you know the truth, but a little extra confirmation is always nice? Well, I got mine... and in a big way.

In my previous post I wrote about my backyard. I knew that God absolutely was calling me to rid of some 'friendships' in my life and to get them out of my backyard. I was confident of it. I haven't been to my church in weeks. I was out of town for 2 and because of some other things, it has caused me to miss. They were doing a series on raising kids and forgive me, but it wasn't something I was excited about. Sure, maybe I'll be there one day, but it's not exactly what I'm in the market to hear right now. Isn't it just like God to find a way to shut me up?

My pastor is cutting edge. He's definitely out of the box, but what he did on Sunday... was extreme for even him. We have 5 total weekend services. Two on Saturday night and three on Sunday. I happened to be at the very last one on Sunday. The sermon was titled 'Return of the Leeches'. Um. Huh? In a jar on stage he had... yep, you guessed it... leeches. While he began explaining about leeches, he stuck his hand in the jar and started pushing them around. To my horror, he didn't stop there. He rolled up his sleeve and pulled two out placing them on his bare arm. This being the last service, he had already done this four other times. The results of the previous times were evident in the bloodstained places all over his arm. As he talked for about 10 minutes explaining how these creatures act, the leeches remained on his arm... attached. It made my skin crawl. I had no idea where he was going, but just hoped he would get there quickly. The words he spoke next, were profound to me.

He explained that there are people in our lives strictly there to take from us. The leeches on his arm were taking from him, feeding off him, but giving him nothing in return. We have people that are strictly there to suck the life out of us. We allow them to latch on and when we do, it's difficult to get them off, the same with the leech attached to his arm. They feed off our vulnerability and take whatever they can from us giving us nothing in return. He then pointed to the other places on his scarred arm. He had barely been able to get the bleeding to stop from the previous service to begin this one. He then said that even when we rid the leeches in our lives, the effects they've had on our life are still evident and many times we are left... still bleeding. As he removed them, it was rather difficult for him to. He had a paper towel and throughout the service he continually had to wipe the blood from his arm. By the time the service was finished, the entire paper towel was red. He knew this was extreme, but asked if any of us would have understood the effects if we hadn't seen it with out own eyes? It's just like us... to need that. God moment? A huge one.

I walked out almost unable to speak. I was shocked at the little amount of faith I'd had in God to teach me that day and in the magnitude He showed up. When God has spoken to you He will show you and confirm to you over and over again the direction you are supposed to head. I felt it in the depths of my soul that these people I needed to rid myself of still had me bleeding. The effects may never truly go away, but how much stronger can I be if this 'leech' isn't trying to suck the life out of me? I had given them too much power for way too long. Allowed them to be in fellowship with me and it was causing me everything I wasn't willing to give. I'm no longer willing to sacrifice who I am to please people that have given me NOTHING in return... those who are only there to take, take, take. Sure I got it before... I understood they needed to be gone... but who knew it would take a leech attached to my pastor's arm... to really get it.

my backyard

2007-11-01T23:57:00.000-04:00

My sweet friend has challenged me with something recently. It's been on my mind lately. Not long ago I was dealing with a 'friend' and was questioning the health of the relationship. She quickly responded, "would you let her in your backyard?". Huh? Immediately I thought, "Well, I don't have backyard. I live in an apartment." so I simply said, "Um. I don't get it." What did a backyard I don't have mean regarding this friendship? I'm not really sure if an eye roll is a smile followed, but she began to explain the backyard of my life. I then began to wonder... well would I?

I've thought a lot about my backyard lately. There's been quite a party there actually, but it hasn't been smooth sailing. There's some questionable people I've let in the gate and I began looking back at why. I thought about all the friends I have in my life... even acquaintances that I call 'friends' and how healthy they were for my life. I think I spent more time picking out what I would wear to work this morning than some of the friends I've allowed in. When I thought about it, I got why they were there, but I didn't get why they were still there.

I'm not just talking about the toxic people in our lives... the ones we know are trouble and that we have to keep our distance from altogether. I'm talking about people we may not even know are dangerous. You know, those wolves in sheep's clothing? The people that put us down or always find something negative. Do you have those people in your life that you get around and you completely change demeanor? I certainly do.

I'm dealing with a relationship right now that I know I need to let go of. I know it's not safe and when I'm around this person or talk to them, I change. Everything becomes negative... nothing is quite good enough and that's exactly how this person makes me feel. That I'm not good enough. They really saved me in a rough time in my life, but it's a case now of needing saved from them. They've been obsolete in my life for the past year when I needed people to rally around me. They weren't there and somehow I still feel I owe them something. I feel like they need to know the person I've become... the person I've changed into, but the truth is, they don't deserve it. They aren't even safe close to my backyard.

I have few other relationships that need to be taken care of. I've been on a roller coaster the past couple of days. I've wondered 'why?'... 'why me?'... I'm not asking for it. I've pretty much been behaving, but these issues aren't from people that belong in my backyard and if I did a better job of policing it would the past couple of days have happened? Probably not. In my last blog I talked about being in recovery from things... you can't be in recovery effectively and still let those people in your backyard. They are throwing a completely different party!

It's interesting to me... the people we allow in our lives. This certainly has me thinking, tho. I want to make better choices about who gets to be there and keep my backyard 'safe'. I think in the long run... it will make things so much easier. So... I have some work to do. I've gotta kick some people outta this BBQ... what about you? Who's in your backyard?

recovery

2007-10-29T23:41:00.000-04:00

I heard a statement the other day I thought was profound.

"If we're honest, aren't we all in recovery from something?"

As simple as it is, it's the absolute truth. We all have things we struggle with and we all have areas of our lives we are in complete detox from. Some are more obvious than others and some may view theirs as more serious. Some may manifest in drug and alcohol recovery or others may simply be from certain relationships. Whatever they are, to each individual they are as serious as the most destructive lifestyle. We think if we call it 'recovery' somehow that makes us weak. Like admitting the problem is admitting we have an issue that is too big for us to handle. It's just like 'us' to feel that way. To feel like sweeping it under the rug is the 'safe' thing. The safe thing is admitting it. When we ignore it's existence, we allow ourselves to be tempted by Satan because we pretend we are bigger than the problem.

For example, there are days I pretend I don't have a problem. Days I pretend that I can exist in the 'party world' and be bigger than the effects it's had on my life when the truth is flirting with disaster could be the end of me. In my twisted way of thinking I imagine that admitting I can't be apart of that world and those people makes me weak. It means that I can't handle that. Unfortunately, that's the point. I can't handle it. Putting on a front and acting like the world is ok and that I can do what I want is the most dangerous thing of all. When I admit I have a problem... when I in essence, admit I need to be in 'recovery' from this lifestyle, I can then have people to hold me accountable and keep me out of that destructive lifestyle.

God's placed people in our life to help us through these times. He's given us people we can trust and that can invest in our lives to help us through the issues we face. Maybe I should start listening to those people more. Satan only needs one chance. When he gets his hooks into you he begins this web of deception and before you know it, you are in so deep you can't see your way out. He feeds of the vulnerability these issues in essence give us. I'm sad to say I know this from much experience.

It's a recovery... a lifelong process of a daily ritual to prevent a destructive lifestyle. It's a lifetime of making sure Satan doesn't get it and that I do everything I can to make sure and protect my life from the schemes of the evil one. The safest place to be is admitting I can't do it alone. Admitting I have a problem and that maybe even though you can handle being apart of that life... I certainly can't. Voicing weakness isn't easy... especially for me. I never want to be called weak, but if I don't admit it, God will eventually break me for my own pride of feeling like I've got this under control. I've already tried... and too many times failed. It seems like a recurring theme all over again... when I am weak, then He is strong. A battle of daily dying to self and remembering that without Him... I am nothing. I think somewhere over the last little while I've forgotten that. It's time to get back into my regular 'detox' meetings. He's given me some great help here on earth. Real people I can talk to and confide in. It's time to own the problem and move on from it... instead of pretending I'm big enough for it, because Lord knows... I've proven I'm not.

bring the rain

2007-10-20T23:04:00.000-04:00

I have a new favorite song. It's called 'Bring the Rain' by Mercy Me. If you haven't heard it, you should. Here's the chorus:

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I've been singing this song for weeks. I love what it says... even though it's a hard song to sing I love it. I didn't realize that I might just be praying this while I was singing it.

I'm going through something right now... something I think might be the rain. Some may think it to be very minor in comparison to their 'rain' or think that I am making too big a deal, but in all honesty, it's ripping my heart out. I've done a lot of hurting in my life and I don't like that part of my history. Unfortunately, this could potentially really hurt someone I love very much. I hate that part of this. Even though it's truth... it will still hurt.

This song is bold and the words of it, I don't even think I understand in its entirety. Weeks ago listening to it, I never imagined sitting here in this situation. I think even if we pray that prayer... we certainly aren't out looking for the 'rain'. For me, this time right now is rain, but I believe with all my heart that God will receive the glory for this. I certainly don't know how and I don't know when it will be seen, but I do believe that He will receive it.

In the midst of troubles and trials, it's easy to get down and easy to be discouraged. I'm pretty sure I'll have many more days of that, but what an amazing God we serve. He knows everything about us, and He knows the trials He places in our lives and the reason behind them. I believe He has placed this situation in my life so that He may receive the glory for it somehow and I want to believe Him for it. Although it's not always easy to praise Him in that rain... it sure is worth trying to.

I laughed til it hurts...

2007-10-15T23:31:00.000-04:00

My stomach muscles are sore. I could explain, but it would never make sense. It was a time filled with those 'you had to be there' moments. There's something about those times that make you never want to leave. You want to completely and totally rest in them. You just want to sit... and take it all in.

I have a friend. I have an amazing friend and I think that our entire relationship is made of 'you had to be there' moments. Those are the kind of friends you just don't always find. You never search them out and you never pick them... they just happen. They show up at that right moment when you completely need them. That's this friend.

I'm finding myself very thankful tonight. I'm thankful for what God's given me in a friend and who He's placed in my life. He knows how hard I prayed for a good Christian friend that I could count and after weekends like this, I'm reminded of how blessed I am to have her in my life. It's the best of both worlds to have a friend who's shoulder you can cry on and the next you can be laughing so hard with you can't breathe.

I guess when you've lost things in your life and you get second chances at good things, it teaches you to be grateful for them. I think that's where I am. I never want to take these good things for granted because I know what it's like to have them all ripped away. I never want to become so flippant about a special relationship that I forget it's just that... special.

So after two weekends with my amazing friend- weekends of drive bys, laughter, fun, being left in the rain, dancing and insane silliness... I'm just simply grateful. I'm glad I've got a friend. Because for a long time I didn't... and to have one... it feels pretty freakin' amazing.

and we are raised to walk in the newness of life...

2007-09-17T00:45:00.000-04:00

Yes. That's a pool. Yes. It's on a baseball field between first and second base. Yes. It's a baptism. And yes. I know him. Our church does a huge baptism every year. They usually do it at a camp, but they've grown too large and this year they did it at the city's minor league baseball stadium. Yes. You read it right.

It was a major event. It was cool because I hadn't ever seen anything like this done before, but it was even more special because of the person in this picture who was getting baptized. This is my boyfriend, Kyle. Kyle's an amazing guy. He's one of the nicest guys I know and would do anything in the world for me. This event was major for me because he was proclaiming in front of God and 3000 people at a baseball stadium that he believed God was his Savior.

I was saved when I was 9. I was baptized shortly after and so my conversion wasn't a huge ordeal for me. Yeah, it was great, but by 9 I hadn't fully had the chance to screw up my life just enough yet! Standing in front of a church wasn't this major humbling experience. Kyle had lived his life thinking he was saved as many do. He attended church regularly and lived an overall good life. Nothing made him think any differently. Until one moment in a service at church he realized it was more than that. Maybe there was something else to all this... there was a Savior he needed. Maybe he couldn't really do this on his own. As I sat in the stands watching, I saw a strong, independent man who stood alone on a field surrounded by thousands. He stood proudly in his decision, but humbly in the knowledge that he did in fact need a Savior and he need a Lord in his life. At 28 years old he decided to proclaim that need for a Savior in front of a crowd of 3000 people and show... I can't do this alone. If this isn't a picture of surrender, I don't know what is.

None of this is to pat Kyle on the back or give him the glory when we know it's all God's. It's simply showing us that it is all about surrender. It's about admitting that we do in fact need a Savior. We all can't do it alone and some days we need to be reminded. I was saved and baptized at 9 and some days I just simply forget it. Watching 441 people who made that commitment decided to go public with it... made me remember it quickly. For some the sweetest moment may have been when a small child came back up with the cool water pouring off their face. For another it may have been locking arms and being baptized together with their spouse. A special moment for all was the 80 year old man went in who could barely make it into one of the pools but did not dare leave without being fully covered in the clear cool water. But for me, the special moment was when I saw my guy, fully soaked, knowing it's only just water, but knowing how much more the symbol really means. At the end of the day, it's not what will happen tomorrow, or what decisions we'll make by the end of the year or where we will live, it's that I know where we'll both end up in the very end... and it's definitely together.

Therefore we are buried with him by baptism into death: that like as Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life. Romans 6:4

Everything

2007-08-27T16:01:00.000-04:00

My best friend sent me this video this morning. It's one of the most powerful things I've ever seen. Watch it all the way through. It's an amazing representation of Christ's love and how real the temptations we face are.

The No. 1 Enemy of Believers

2007-08-25T22:57:00.000-04:00

Tonight I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated about a lot of things. Many of which I tried to run and fight out in 3 straight hours of basketball. It didn't work. The more I played, the madder I got. While there are many things on my heart, I am only going to talk about one. Most will say the answer to the title is other believers. While I believe they can be, I think religion is at the top of the list. I believe religion is the number 1 enemy of believers.

Somewhere along the line I think we've lost the point. We have a religion to ok whatever we feel at that moment. If we don't like something about one, we find a new one. We've lost sight of simply being a believer. Simply accepting Jesus into our hearts and lives and living for Him. How much more difficult are we making it? If you do studies on religion, most have come because someone got mad... so they made a new one. Check it out... it's true. Is religion sending people to hell?

I have something that's really bothering me and I want to be very vague about the people I'm talking about... no names, no relationships will be given. Someone in my family is working on changing their life. They recently got saved and they are going to be baptized in 2 weeks. Praise God! This decision was made entirely by this person and their own admission of their sin and their need for a Savior. This person grew up in a religion that believes you are saved upon baptism... and that's done as a child. That's it... period. No age of recognition, no salvation... sprinkled water and enter into heaven. I've always been fascinated by this belief. Where they find this to be biblically sound, I don't know. When this person told their other family about their salvation and baptism, they were criticized - not questioned about why, criticized.

I almost don't know what to say. Where do we miss what the Bible says? Let's take a look at Romans 10:9-10 - "9 If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10 For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved. " I'm not here to debate salvation and what constitutes it, because only a person can know for himself, but it's written clearly in the scripture. My real problem is that religion is sending people to hell. We've created religions to tell us what we want to hear. Where do we miss the boat? If we sit and say that sprinkling water on a baby is my ticket to heaven then what was the point of Jesus dying on Calvary? Where is our point of recognition for our sins and our need to cry out to a Savior?

I have adopted a saying recently that I love. 'Reject Religion - Embrace Jesus'. I agree with that with all of my heart. I was broken tonight when this person sat across from me with tear-filled eyes... because his religion no longer meets up with this other part of his family. Where have we lost it? Where have we screwed it up? Instead of rejoicing with our brothers and sisters, we are offended because it doesn't line up with our 'religion manual'. I know I'm all over the place tonight, but I'm frustrated. I'm annoyed that the Christian community cannot join together. Instead, we pick petty arguments because whatever beliefs we have adopted don't seem to line up when what we should be doing... is following what God gave us - the Bible. The question isn't does it line up with what WE think... does it line up with what GOD thinks? He gave us the manual and instead of picking it up and following it... we make up whatever's easiest for us and whatever fits our needs. I'm not a fan of 'religion' anymore. I think church is important and being apart of a corporate body does wonders for your walk with Christ. I'm not saying 'Community Church' is the best and one that has a religion 'name' on the door is bad. I just think we need to know what we're practicing. Is the church I'm in based on the Bible and what the Bible says? I don't want to be labeled with religion. I simply want to be known as a believer, Christ follower, lover of Jesus. I want for people to look at my life and see Christ... not my religion.

Ephesians 2: 8-9
8 God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. 9 Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it.

To Help Those That Don't Want It

2007-08-22T22:52:00.000-04:00

Have you found yourself at that place? Are there those people in your life that you are desperate to help, but they don't want it? They don't find it necessary to be helped and instead of trying to to change they would rather stay on that destructive path? That's the place I feel in tonight. I feel like that one wanting to help that lost soul, but with no clue how to. I've been on the other side. I've been on that path of destruction and more pain I caused myself, in some sick way, the better I felt. When you've been to that place, you don't ever want anyone to have to feel that pain and hurt. When you've lived it, you want to save everyone you can from it.

How do you help those that have no desire to be helped? When do you step in and try to take over and when do you trust God enough to take care of His children? It's such a difficult balance and I don't know what side of that I stand on tonight. It's a constant battle. Where is the line of God wanting you to intervene crossed with the line of your own agenda?

I have one brother. One brother that I love so deeply and I don't know how to help. He's on a path of destruction and I don't know what to do for him. It's the most helpless I've ever felt. I don't know when my role is to step in and try to fix it and when I'm supposed to pray from a far. Is praying my cop out way of not tackling the issue straight on? Do I use prayer as a crutch so I don't have to confront the hard stuff? It's a hard battle I'm having trouble fighting tonight. Part of me wants to throw in the towel and say 'I've done all I can... the rest is up to him'... While another part of me wants to scream and yell at him and beg him to get his life together because I'm afraid the next time a phone rings it's to tell me he's dead.

I've been in his shoes. As I sit looking back I wish someone would have stepped into my life before it got so bad. I wish someone would have grabbed me by the face and told me what a mess I was making of my life. Sure, I look back now and think that... but would I have felt that way at the time? How would I have reacted to someone trying to step in then? I had a friend that I hadn't spoken to in years tell me they had to step away from me because they knew I wouldn't listen to them. They knew I had to find my own way.

Does he have to find his own way? How do you know the answer? If I try to step in will it push him further down this path and cause more damage if I just pray God's protection over him? What a delicate balance and a tough question I'm asking myself tonight. I do believe God honors the prayers of His saints and many times can answer a prayer many years down the road from when it's prayed, but I also believe God's prayers require some action.

So that's where I sit tonight. Confused between outward action and inward action. Do I try and fight this battle or do I allow the angels and demons to fight this one out? It's a fight I can't figure out, but I do know if I ever got that phone call... I could never ever forgive myself... for making the wrong choice.

And I Wished Upon A Star...

2007-07-11T09:20:00.000-04:00

Ok, so not really a star... but a prayer. And not just one... many. As I sat in chapel service yesterday the topic was on prayer. He made a statement that stunned me and not because of how particularly profound it was, but actually at how simple it was. He said, "When we obey God, we could be answering a prayer that someone prayed 100 years ago". It stunned me because of how true it was. I often find myself thinking in immediate terms as far as prayers being answered... not in long term. And how many prayers are prayed specifically for and about us that we aren't even aware are being prayed?

After dinner last night, my boyfriend and I began talking about this very subject. He was commenting on several times when he'd informed his mother of a decision and her response was simple, "We prayed about that in bible study". We then began continuing a discussion that floored me. His desire to learn about what God had for him and what God was teaching him was profound. It far surpassed any desire I'd had lately. I could see the fire in his eyes and the willingness to take that step even deeper into what Christ had to offer him. Even later in the evening as I sat pouring out my heart to my best friend with tears streaming down my face, an unbelievable feeling hit me. The two conversations I'd had that night were two specific prayers I had prayed... almost a year ago.

When I moved here I had no idea why I was coming. I blindly walked into this place with almost no knowledge of Life Action (who I would work for) and zero knowledge of life up north. I didn't know a soul and had only talked on the phone to one person from the ministry. I knew God would teach me something, but I didn't know what I was supposed to expect. I'd been on a roller coaster of emotion and felt completely alone. I had so many desires of my heart and I didn't know how to ask for them. Before I moved I prayed God would give me two things.

The first thing I wanted was a best friend. I'd been burned around every corner and done my fair share of burning. I wanted to balance of a friend that I could laugh, joke and be myself with, but one that I could pour out my heart with issues and discuss this walk of grace. I'd always had either extreme. There was never a balance of the two. I wanted so badly to have a friend I knew would stand in the gap for me and I knew that loved me for me. They could know my past, they could know everything bad I'd ever done, but they would still see the real me.

The second thing I prayed for was a godly man. A man that desired to be a Priest, Prophet and King of my household. Someone I didn't have to stay on about going to church... they would go on their own if I wasn't there. I wanted to date a guy who desired to know what God had for his life and for our life. Someone I could trust and love and I could give my heart to. I'd done my fair share of dating and my resume wasn't too impressive. It would take a special godly man to take me. I wanted a balance. I didn't need a cookie cutter religious nut job and I wanted someone I could be myself with and still have a great time. I was very specific about what I wanted... someone who knew family was important and someone who would live in the south! (Um, my God has no limitations!) I wanted someone who would treat me like I felt I should be treated... a nice guy. Something I hadn't dated many of.

The longer I talked to my friend on the phone the more I'd realized after these many months... God had answered those prayers. He had given me a friend better than I could have ever asked for. He had given me that friend at the most unexpected time and from the most unexpected place. He'd planted the seed for a very specific time for us to meet and very specific things to connect us. I could not imagine having a stronger connection with a friend and there are days I feel like we live in this parallel universe. How could someone else be THAT much like me? There are the aspects of the silliness, the jokes and just the flat out hilarity of our relationship, but there are the times like last night when we pour our heart out to one another or the times I just simply don't know what to do and she talks me down off the ledge. I found last night God had given me everything I'd wanted and more in Kyle. The want and desire for a relationship with Christ and truly understanding the meaning of grace were phenomenal. He wanted to walk this with me and wanted to do it himself if I wasn't there. It's never about obligation or because he thinks that's what I want. He treats me like I'm a princess and truthfully... it's better than I deserve to be treated. It's an amazing feeling. In the whirlwind of this life I've lived and the roller coaster of emotion this past year, I know why God brought me here. He had to uproot me and move me to this place simply... to give me my heart's desire.

Full Circle

2007-06-18T00:18:00.000-04:00

If you've ever played a sport or run a race you know what I'm talking about. (My non-sports people, hang in there! I haven't forgotten you.) It's that moment when sweat is pouring down your face and your muscles are screaming from exhaustion. There's no time on the clock and you are down by 1 point. You get fouled and you get two free throws. You sink them both and win the game... full circle. If you're running a race and you see the finish line. You think you can't possibly run anymore and that moment your body kicks in with a surge of energy that sends you past the leader and across that line... full circle. Maybe for you it's looking for that perfect pair of shoes. You look in every store you can think of and search all day. You walk into Nordstrom 10 minutes before they close and you see them, in your size - on the sale rack... full circle. You know what I'm talking about and you know the feeling. It's addictive... and what you truly want for your life.

It's no secret I've had a rough last couple years. I've talked enough about it and won't beat a dead horse. I have come to a complete full circle in my life and it's an incredible feeling. There comes a point when you do so many things wrong... you just want to do something right. Not only do you want to do it, you want someone to notice you did it. Now I won't say I haven't done a few things right in the past couple years, but my rights were plagued with continued wrongs that seemed to cancel out the good stuff. I sit here in my apartment, that 3 months ago I hated, in a town I swore I'd never like... smiling because life is pretty good. Don't mistake that I miss many things about my home so much, but I'm content now. I have a church that I think is incredible, I have a boyfriend I don't deserve and I have friends I would fight the world to keep. God has blessed me in so many incredible ways. I sit here in complete awe of what a bad place I was in... in only such a short time ago. I feel like I've finally started to turn things around and that things are going right. I'm not in a fighting battle with myself to prove to anyone I'm as bad as they think. I'm not defined by anyone but my Lord and Savior. There are days it's an absolute battle to fight and someone close to me will say something hurtful and I'm thrown back into that web of misunderstanding and hurt, but thank God I've got people in my life that pick me back up... people that love me and understand me... that love me for exactly who I am- not what they want me to be.

I would be a fool to leave out the major part of coming full circle. It's simply understanding God's grace. When you can embrace the entire idea of grace and what it fully means- you can live an amazing life of victory. When you 'get' what Christ did you for... for only you and you and know through every fiber of your being that his grace is sufficient for you... it's a life that's come full circle. Grace isn't about what we do or how we can make ourselves better. In fact it's the complete opposite and knowing that I am simply not enough and that I on my own will never be. It's the undeserved, unmerited favor that Christ bestows on me and makes me enough. Grace is simply that- amazing.

I can't promise I won't have bad days (and I know who's reading this and laughing right now) and I can't promise that I might forget at times. It just happens. Things creep up, the right people say the wrong thing and it sends you into overdrive. I can say that it's no longer what my life is made of. I don't live in a constant defeat or in a life where I just simply want everything to change. Happiness is a good thing and God doesn't desire us to be miserable! Many times I've been on the free throw line of life and missed my two shots. Sometimes I've missed one and made one sending it into a grueling overtime. I'm pretty happy to say this time I sunk them both (not without a few helping hands *smiles*). Full circle... me? Who would have ever thought? :)

My Life

2007-06-08T14:37:00.000-04:00

It's been a really long time since I've updated my blog... as I've been reminded by my best friend! I almost don't know where to begin, but in the time I haven't been writing I have really been able to reflect on my life and the amazing changes that have happened in the last year. The one thing that continues to amaze me is how we allow past situations to dictate our future decisions. I'm not talking about learning from mistakes because I know all too well how important that is. I mean the simple idea that if someone breaks our heart, we guard it with our life because we believe the next person will break it. If someone let us down, instead of giving someone the benefit of the doubt, we then assume the next person we meet will in turn, let us down as well. I think I could be the poster child for this cycle of living. Recently, it almost got the best of me.

I think I did more 'living' in one year of my life than most do in a lifetime. I've always been the type of person that dives right in. It's never about the consequence for me. The risk is always worth it. It's not about what my choice will bring in 2 days... it's about the moment the choice is made, and the thrill of it right then. I don't plan, and frankly it gives me the hives! I like to be spontaneous... often to a fault. The particular year of my life was destructive, dangerous and most importantly full of let downs. The more dangerous it was, the more I wanted it and the more destructive, the harder I would try to make it happen. A challenge was exactly what I was looking for and I found many of them. I was surrounded by a lifestyle that I truly believe had I continued to live in it, would have killed me. If there's anything this time in my life taught me... it was that you can't trust anyone.

I spent most of my time after I got straightened out wondering one simple question: "Why didn't anyone care enough to get me out?". I couldn't fathom seeing someone living like I was and turning the other way... pretending like it wasn't happening or like everything was ok. I didn't get how people could say they cared, but continued to watch me destroy my life. It made me question my loyalty to my family, my friends and my church family. I felt like no one cared because I got treated worse when I did change, than when I was living a negative lifestyle. I felt alone, rejected and broken. I felt better physically than I had in months because I was no longer harming my body, but the pain I felt on the inside was like something I can't even describe. It's like fighting to get to the top of the water... you can see it, but you just can't quite make it. It was in one word: horrific. Trust wasn't at the top of my list and in fact, I just stop trusting altogether. I figured everyone was the same and all I wanted is for someone to prove to me that they all aren't the same. It was a battle I fought with myself... I wanted someone to be different, but yet I didn't because if I found someone was, I'd have to trust again. I tried to stand up for myself, prove to those that didn't believe me that I was a different person and that I had changed. Some days it was just easier to prove them right... easier to prove to them I was exactly what they thought I was and to my never ending shame, too many times I did.

Needless to say, this was a bit of a dark period. It shaped who I became and I lived in the shadow of it. I couldn't see beyond it to know that it didn't define me. To see that God had a better plan for my life and didn't desire for me to live in the shame of who I had been. My simple and very grown up solution for anytime I felt threatened was to run. Take off and run in the complete other direction. Very mature for my 24 year old self. It was easier to be alone and not trusting than it would be for me to actually open up to someone, give that part of myself away and be vulnerable. Running the other direction was always a better alternative than trusting. I almost really screwed up recently. I was more afraid of being hurt again than I was afraid of losing what could be the best thing that had ever happened to me. My risk in that moment was worth the lifetime of consequences it could have cost me. I would love to say that I came to my senses quickly and realized how stupid I was being. No, as I sit here smiling about it... I didn't. It took my very patient and loving best friend to knock me over the head and say 'Hello... you're running again. Remember that person you don't want to be anymore? You're being her!'.

Fortunately, I listened and slowly but surely I'm learning to trust again. I'm learning that not everyone is the same and just because people have hurt me in the past doesn't mean I have to right to hold against people that haven't. It is such a never ending battle. I have to constantly remind myself of who I really am... and that trust is a good thing! It's ok to count on people and that God gives us ones to count on. I can't say that I'll never get hurt again or that those close to me won't let me down because I'm betting they will... the same way I'll let them down. The best part is that I know the one who won't let me down. If I continue to place my faith and my focus on Jesus, the let downs will seem far less important. He has promised me He will never leave or forsake me and that trust is always something I can put in Him.

An all too familiar place

2007-04-22T01:05:00.001-04:00

I ended up there this weekend. I found myself caught in the middle of a situation I had promised myself I'd never be in again. For a few hours, I felt contentment and solace in that old place. I remembered who I was and the last time I'd truly felt defined by something. Maybe it wasn't a good thing... but it was something. I knew I shouldn't be there and I knew I'd pay the consequences for it, but in that little time, I didn't care. The good news is I finally came to my senses. I picked myself up out of the situation and ran like mad... the bad news is I never should have been there and I know it. Something I'd worked so hard not be, I became again so quickly. The other bad news, is the power of Satan's seduction and our danger if we don't know it exists.

Satan's seduction is one of the most powerful things I've ever felt in my life. The effects are harmful and too many times deadly. Sometimes he hits you when you least expect it, sometimes he hits you when you're expecting it the most, but I can assure you... he will most certainly hit you when you think you're strong enough to handle it on your own. In the times when you feel invincible... in those moments you feel confident in your own strength and put the Savior's at a safe distance. Satan maneuvers and manipulates every single weakness we have in hopes for us to fall flat on our face. You see as Christians, he can never take our salvation and he knows he can never have us... but he makes it his job to make us fall whenever he can and cause us to lose a testimony we worked so desperately to combat. It takes months, even years to change your life from old habits and approximately 30 seconds to get back into it. That's the evil beauty of seduction. The enemy doesn't seduce us with something we hate or something that doesn't tempt us... he chooses our sinful natures desires... those things we at times so long to be apart of.

The beauty of this story is that it doesn't matter what I did last weekend or what I'll do next weekend... God's redeeming power is so much bigger than it all. I am enough because he was first enough and I can rest in him because His power is perfect in my weakness. His grace IS sufficient for me. It has, it is, and it always will be. We (I) think that by admitting we have weaknesses, it makes me weak. If we stay away from our temptations and weaknesses then that means we don't have big enough faith, when in reality, what if God is trying to teach us to lean on Him in everything and that it is perhaps not my job to 'prove' I can 'handle the pressure'? I so often feel that my Christianity is about 'proving' this or 'proving' that when it's not. What if it's just about admitting I'm weak... so He can make me strong?

One of my favorite authors, Beth Moore, has a great book out titled "Get Out of the Pit". I'd like to share a portion of it with you. Beth is telling a story about how she began receiving Barbies... a cute story of a little girl that brought her barbies to church and they would make them raise their hands in praise so ever since then people have given her barbies...

This most recent Barbie was dressed like me (hip, I hope, but alas, modest). She had a makeshift bible in one hand (appeared to be a King James) while the other was stretched decisively heavenward. This doll had one inadvertent similarity to me that overrode all the others. It even made up for the gross age discrepancy that no one seemed willing to acknowledge. One of Barbie's feet had been gnawed right off at the calf. The group extended their regrets, of course, explaining that the family dog of the original owner had gotten hold of the doll the day before they left. They were understandably disappointed but decided the doll was, by and large, no worse for the wear.
I stared at the Barbie for a minute. She looked so strange at first. So well coiffed, so fitted for her calling, and yet she had a gnawed-off foot. Then I nodded. Not to anyone else really. Just to God. Well, maybe also to Barbie. Though the group didn't know it, they'd hit the nail right on the head, or maybe the leg right on the stump. That was me all right.
No, I don't have a missing leg, but if you could see me with your spiritual eyes, surely at least one of my legs is gnawed off at the knee. Ephesians 4:27 warns, "Do not give the devil a foothold." Uh, too late. Satan has wounded me, but he hasn't devoured me. He got the leg, but he's never gotten the thigh, though goodness knows he wanted it. I may walk with a spiritual limp, but thanks to God, who holds me up and urges me to lean on Him, at least I can walk. So can you. Walk away from that pit before it's the death of you.

Satan has wounded me... oh too many times, but he hasn't and won't devour me. I do walk with a spiritual limp and some days, it just plain hurts. I can get up from here and I can walk on, limping, but walking and when I fall or slip, my Savior picks me up and guides me as I rest on Him. It's usually never the easy thing, but it's the hard thing. Satan's lies are just that... lies. We give him far too much material to work with, but be aware. There's an enemy out there and he wants more than a foot... he wants it all and will stop at nothing to get it. I have be wounded, but by God's grace and redeeming love... I can get up and do the next thing right and never again... be caught in that familiar place.

To Our Knees

2007-04-19T01:24:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about prayer lately... maybe I should be doing more of it rather than just thinking about it :-). For some reason I was reminded of when I was in high school and after every basketball game our team would circle around center court, hold hands and recite the Lord's Prayer. Now when I say recite I mean say it at the speed of light. You've never in your life seen a prayer said so quickly! In my memory of it I was actually laughing all by myself because it was just ridiculous. We said it as quickly and painlessly as we could... ready to move on. It made me wonder how often we do that in our own lives. Prayer isn't about our time to talk to God... it's how quick and painless can we make it? I think we forget that the Lord's Prayer... is our 'Dummies Guide' to how to pray. I want to break it down and take a look at it... and see how Jesus laid it out there for us.

Our Father, which art in Heaven,
Hallowed by thy name.

Jesus starts the prayer with 'Our Father'. Not 'my' Father, not 'your' Father... 'our' Father. He quickly puts ourselves in the same boat as he is. He makes it as though he is equal to us as Children of God. Instead of calling him 'God' or something of that sort, he uses the phrase 'Father'... he makes it so personal. Next, Jesus says 'hallowed' be thy name. Webster's dictionary says hallowed means to hold sacred or to be holy. Jesus reminds us that in the simple name of God... He's holy and we are to claim that and remember that He is just that. We so flippantly call him 'Father' and we claim his name to be holy, but when it's inconvenient for us to uphold that... we let it slip to the side.

Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done.
On earth as it is in heaven.

Ok, yeah... because we really mean this one. Be honest with me for a second. How many of you have said these 3 little lines and not meant it a bit more than a man in the moon? I certainly have! Many times. When I say it what I mean is... "Ok, so I want your will done, God, but how about your will be my will?". We always want what we want when we want it. And why shouldn't we? Everything else in the world is that way. We can get it anyway we want it. We forget that the entire point of our existence is to glorify God... to makes fishers of men... to advance the cause. When will we truly fall on our face and desire His will be done... regardless of my own selfish ambitions?

Give us this day our daily bread.

So I'm gonna leave this one by itself because the kicker's coming up. Take a moment to breath :)

Forgive us our trespasses.
As we forgive those who trespass against us.

So I love this one. I almost find it humorous in a weird sort of way. Please know I'm condemning no one, but only writing this out of complete personal experience! We beg, plead and cry for God to forgive us. We pour out our souls and just expect Him to do it... but in the same exact breath we're screaming 'Did you see what she did to me?'. I can't even tell you how many times I've flippantly prayed this one. I expect forgiveness, but can't in turn let go of what so and so said about me. I just can't 'let it go' because it hurt so bad. The moment of realization comes when you see a sinless man hanging from a blood stained cross and quickly remember... He let it go. *ouch*

And lead us not into temptation;
But deliver us from evil.

This one always gets me, too... how many times are we begging God to save us from evil and help us flee from the schemes of the evil one, but we're following the lead of the wrong one?

For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory.
For ever and ever. Amen.

I love how he ends and begins giving sole glory to God. He begins with calling Him Father... claiming his name to be holy and ends with giving it all back to him. For EVERYTHING is yours Lord... everything.

Growing up, I always felt like there wasn't much I could learn from the Lord's Prayer. I felt it was just something you said that everyone knew. There wasn't much meaning to it and it was rather repetitive. When I started looking closer into it, I picked out so many pieces I could use for my own prayer life. We so often forget about our prayer lives. We say whatever we feel like at the time and forget the meaning in what we are saying. We cry out for the pain of the world when some days we should simply be crying out for the pain of ourselves. We find weakness in coming to God broken or without it all together. That's what he wants!!! He wants us broken because HE wants to be the one to put us back together. He wants that shambled heart we bring him so HE can be the glue that forms it back. We give Him so little credit. We make him our last resort when He should be our first. We make Him the least when he should be the most. When will we just realize that all He wants is us.... Unveiled faces falling to our knees in the holiness and majesty of Him. Desiring to know Him through and through and not just getting through it as quickly as we can.

Advance the Cause

2007-04-17T00:14:00.000-04:00

My best friend was sharing with me something her pastor said in his sermon. He told his congregation that Jesus said 'I trust you to advance the cause'. Wow. I really had to think about it for a second when she told me. I've actually been thinking about it all day since I heard it. Isn't it so true, though? Isn't that the entire purpose of our existence? I mean I know we have other responsibilities and things God desires for us to accomplish, but our main goal and focus in life should be to simply 'advance the cause'. I feel like as Christians we so often miss the boat of our purpose. We lose sight of the fact that we are commanded to reach the lost... we do have a mission field. We get so caught up in the 'this church does this, this church does that' or arguing about doctorinal issues, and we make it much more difficult than we have to. Jesus has entrusted us with so much... He has put the responsibility in our hands with the hope and trust that we will carry it out. We have the knowledge and understanding of something so powerful yet so simple at the same time. It's the message of grace. Our cause for living and our reason for getting up in the morning. It's a simple message of a Savior's love. A love so deep that would put an innocent man on the cross for our sins... that he would bear the weight of the entire world and die a painful death. Only to be buried and by God's miraculous power, be raised from the dead 3 days later and give us the eternal hope for a life lived in redeeming love and conquering grace. It's more than a bedtime story or a good fable. It was real and it happened and it should make us live our lives differently. We should be forever changed because of it and stop living like it doesn't make a difference. You see... it's not about what church is wrong for singing this or not singing that... it's not about the debate of who's right or who's wrong. It's a simple matter of being trusted with a truth so great it can change lives. Life is simply about advancing that truth... the truth that is the cause of everything we do and everything we are... a truth and a cause worth dying for. For to whom much is given, much will be required. You have been entrusted with something great... I trust you will advance the cause... are you ready?

at the end of the day

2007-03-31T23:59:00.000-04:00

There are so many times I sit and wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn't made certain choices or if I'd done things differently. I think if we're all honest with ourselves then we've all been there. I read a book recently that made a startling point. In the book the author was talking to her husband about a horrific experience he'd had as a child. He asked her what she thought he might have been like if he hadn't gone through that and he'd not made bad choices. She says God gave her the words she responded with and she said 'You're a much neater person healed than you would have ever been well.'. I keep wondering the same thing. What would I be like if that hadn't happened? Who would I be? The point is I don't know who I'd be and in fact I barely know who I am now... but my God does. He didn't make me well for a reason... he healed me. How much stronger have I become because of it? I feel so weak, but oh isn't that the point? For when I am weak, then I am strong. For His power is perfected in my weakness. Could I have ever given my all, my complete trust to God if I had been well? I'd like to think I couldn't have... that it took a wound... and it took Him to heal it. You can't get to the mountaintops from another mountaintop. You get to it from the valley. I know a few things... if I hadn't gone through what I did I'd have never met 1 of the closest friends I have right now. I thought of this today and it was mind blowing. I wondered why I'm where I am... why I have to go through this and I was so quickly reminded of all the blessings God gave me because of what I went through. My other family, the Coscia's that he put back into my life... the group of amazing people from my Tres Dias family and my incredible friend Suz. It took my valley for all that to happen. I do not have all the answers and as that wise friend reminded me, I don't have to right now! God's timing is just that... His. I know he is in control of my life and he holds the time table. Days will still be hard and some days will just plain suck, but I have some special special people there to hold my hand and walk beside me and I have my creator... that knows every hair on my head. I don't know why I am where I am or why I feel 'lost'... but He does... and at the end of the day... that's really all that matters.

Alone in a crowded room...

2007-03-26T00:04:00.000-04:00

Have you ever been there? You are in a room surrounded by many people, but you just feel so completely alone. I don't know what my deal is, but I've been sitting there the past couple of days. Nothing completely tragic has happened or any major event that should have triggered this, but I just feel it... right in the pit of my stomach. Don't get me wrong... I've met some very great people here and I have a couple of friends that I would really like to get to know on deeper levels, but work schedules and school schedules seem to prohibit that from happening as often as I'd like. There's no real point to this blog... I guess just a vent session. We all need those sometimes. My whole plan to be funny from now on didn't seem to work so well. I know God has me here for a reason. I know he has a great plan for my life and I know he needs me to stay here for now or he wouldn't have allowed me to get a second job so easily. He totally orchestrated that one. I just feel so lost up here. I thought I came to find out who I was, but a part of me feels like I'm more lost than when I came. Sure I got some things right and I fixed some problems that I'd had, but I wonder if I'm falling back into the same pattern. Am I still allowing the enemy to torment me in all the same ways? When will what I do ever just be enough? Do I get close to people, but not too close? I just don't feel like I "fit". Maybe I don't, but maybe a part of me doesn't want to. If I "fit" does that mean I have to stay? I guess I wanted to get away from where I was so badly that I just assumed here would be all the answers... I would figure it all out and start my whole new life and be happy. It's not been quite the fairytale I planned. I guess nothing is really supposed to be. Am I making it worse than it is? It's like that feeling when you're trying so hard to get your head above water... you've fought and fought and you finally begin to see the top. You think you'll never be able to breathe again, but by the grace of God your face reaches the surface and you take a breath, but a wave immediately crashes back down on you... and your pushed again... even further down. I don't know what the answer is or when I'll ever figure it out or even what the point of this blog was other than to strictly vent it all out. Well, it's vented, and perhaps never should have been blogged about, but maybe you're there. Maybe you feel that way and those special people in your life either aren't there when you thought they'd be or they are 1200 miles away. Some days it just gets to me. Maybe it's because Carolina lost tonight :) or maybe it's because of some personal things I'm dealing with... but it's where I am tonight. The good news is I know the One person that has the answers. The Kings of Kings and the Lord of Lords knows my every need and my every desire... and that's the reason I get to keep on going... alone in a crowded room or not.

A little reminder...

2007-03-22T00:40:00.001-04:00

I don't know about you, but I certainly need a reminder today:

My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over and so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.
2 Cor 12:9-10

"I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift." I don't know where you are or what has happened in your life but I know where I've been today and I need the reminder. I've been handicapped... one too many times and today was one of those days. I need to appreciate the gift and remember I'm just a girl in need of a Savior... and when I let him take over... the weaker I get... the stronger I become. My God is ready, willing and able... but am I ready, willing and able to hand it over to Him? Seems to be a recurring theme in my life!

Look- a squirrel!

2007-03-14T10:32:00.000-04:00

A group of my most holiest friends were together this weekend. We had a blast together and laughed til my sides hurt (they are still a lil sore). These girls are the best and I'll never forget some of the memories we made.

While we were together we began talking about a rather popular subject for Christian woman... the Mary vs. Martha saga. Now I have always been a firm believer that Mary was just plain lazy. Martha was doing all the work and Mary just sat around. We came up with many scenarios of why we thought Martha gets it a little too hard and Mary just gets off easy. For starters, Jesus seemed to always be at Martha's house. Why? Probably because Mary's was a disaster from her laziness. 1 of my closest friends decided that Mary was also a thief. When she saw our bewildered faces she continued on to say that there was no way Mary could have afforded an expensive perfume by sitting around all the time and she certainly had to have stolen it from Martha who actually did some work. (I don't know if anyone else is laughing, but this was hilarious to me... maybe you had to be there). The last and final conclusion we came to (which is my very favorite) is that Martha could have been ADD. What if the poor girl was sitting listening to Jesus and was distracted by everything? Can't you see it? Jesus is talking and Martha's twiddling her thumbs... she darts her head to the left and exclaims, 'LOOK! It's a squirrel' and jumps up completely distracted. That's funny right there... I don't care who you are.

If you know me well, then you know I mean no disrespect to anything written or to any of these people of the Bible. It was a fun time and we had a blast turning the tides on the Martha vs. Mary saga. I think that's the point sometimes. We get so wrapped up in theology or in the seriousness of the scriptures that we forget to have fun. We think we can have fun, but we have to go away from God to do it. Don't get me wrong... I believe they should be respected and we should be serious about them sometimes, but there are days we just need to laugh. Days we need to decide that today I'm going to say Martha was ADD and today I'm going to decide that I don't have to be Mary all the time. I think we concentrate so much on trying to be 1 person or the other that we tend to forget who we are. We think God was never funny or that he's serious all the time. It's not true!! God is hilarious!! He told me so :) There are times when we need to be serious and sit before the throne of God in reverence, but there are days when I need to pull up a chair beside him with my best girlfriends and joke and laugh with him til my sides hurt and scream, 'Look! It's a squirrel!!'.

One of those days...

2007-03-01T01:04:00.000-04:00

I had recently decided that I was just going to write funny things on my blog. I feel like there's enough serious stuff out there and I could just write things that would hopefully make people laugh. Well not today. It was one of those days where you feel like the world is against you and around every corner, it's just one more thing. I felt totally ambushed today. There weren't catastrophic things going or anything that was really a huge deal... it was just things that really hurt my feelings or bothered me.

Wednesday night is my bible study and play basketball night. I've been tired and I have a lot of packing to do so I really wasn't looking forward to going (to bible study that is... of course I wanted to play basketball). I decided I would go anyway because of course I would get something out of it. You won't believe what the lesson was on... it was titled 'He'll Raise Me Up'. Uh huh. I sat there with one of those you-have-totally-got-to-be-kidding-me looks with my mouth falling to the floor. It's like God really knows what we're going through *insert shocked expression* One of these days I'll give God a little more credit.

I don't have anything long and profound today (probably no different than normal). I don't have a big shocking piece of info, but I have my experience. Sometimes we hurt... sometimes the smallest little thing can completely shake our world and make us feel like we are nothing. Today was that day for me. Nothing completely terrible happened and I should probably be shot for even complaining about what went wrong in my world, but it just hurt. I hurt and God knew it. God put a friend available for a 52 minute (yes, I looked) phone conversation at a time she's not normally available to talk. God gave me a bible study that didn't matter if anyone else was in the room, it was just for me.

We think we have to go to God all put together. When we've got it all lined up and we're dressed right we decide that's when we tell God, "Ok... here I am. I'm dressed and ready to go. I'm laying my life down at your altar... now raise me up, please." I think if we're honest, we've never got it all together. God wants us broken. He wants us when we are at the end of the rope because in that moment... the moment we feel like we can't take another step for if we do then we will surely die... that's the moment we know we cannot do this on our own and we will never be able to. We need Him. And in the midst of that despairing cry and the act of laying my life down on His altar... He will raise me up. Maybe something like His power is perfected in my weakness. Just a thought...

Home

2007-02-23T00:45:00.000-04:00

The last few weeks have been very long. I could contribute it to the cold weather and the snow or to the lack of sunshine... but I know it's something else. It's that feeling you get when you can't wait for something that's coming and it feels like it will NEVER get here. Well my something's coming!! In a week I'm going HOME!!

I am so stinkin' excited about going home I can barely stand it! In 1 week I will board a plane in South Bend and a few nerve-racking hours later, I will arrive safely at my very warm home in Florida. I'm so ready to see my family. I'm ready to hug my parents and brother and hold on tight. I'm ready to go sit with my brother and talk for hours at our local coffee shop. I'm ready to see so many wonderful friends (Hi Suz *waving*) and catch up. I'm so anxious to serve on my first Tres Dias weekend and see all the wonderful things God has in store. I'm also ready to just sit back, relax and have a little catch up time with God.

When I sit back for a second and think about how excited I am about going home, it completely floors me. You see, a few short months ago, I never wanted to go back to my home in Florida, much less be excited about a visit. I am amazed and in awe of the healing power God possesses. If you don't believe he's in the healing business just take my word for it... he is. He has the ability and power to change lives and transform hearts. He can mend the broken and soften the hard. God has done an amazing, incredible thing in my family and the list could go on and on. I'm humbled at the work he's done and the forgiveness and healing he has allowed to take place. God is ready, willing and able... are you ready to ask him for big things?

Oh, and I'm not sure if you've heard... I'M GOING HOME!!!!!!

Out of the Pit...

2007-02-22T00:12:00.000-04:00

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord.
Psalm 40:1-3

Have you been to the pit? I have... many times. I've camped out there, I've been miserable there, I've cried there and I've absolutely thought I would die there. It's takes a lot to get out of it. It's never something you can do alone. God's pulled me out more times than I can count and used some really great people in my life to help me of other others. I know someone else who's spent time in the pit (if we're all honest then most of us certainly have)... my brother. The good news... he's no longer there.

My brother is only 15 months younger than I am. More times than not we felt like twins. We were close in age and close in attitude. We were both usually in trouble for different things. Aaron was hard-headed and would do the same thing over and over and I was manipulative and would find new ways to do whatever it was and still get in trouble. We played hard on teams with each other and even harder against each other. No matter how much we fought or how angry we would be at one another... if there was 1 person I could always believe would be on my side, it was him.

I can't even explain to you how honored I am to have the brother I have. He's been there for me and stood up for me at times no one else was there. He's been my biggest cheerleader and my most loyal fan. We don't always see eye to eye, but when it comes to pushing me along, it never seems to matter. You see, Aaron and I have both been in the pit. We've lived and breathed the pit, but we've both gotten out. I can't tell you how proud I am of my brother's fight to get out of the pit. I could go on and on about the difficulties he has faced in his life and the situations he's overcome to get out of it. He's fought tooth and nail to get where he is today and it's my turn to be his cheerleader. I'm so incredibly humbled to know him and even more honored to call him my brother. He's an amazing person and a witness and example for all. I love you, Aaron and I am SO very thankful for you... you are my hero.

Let's get real

2007-02-19T14:18:00.000-04:00

I went to a Beth Moore conference this past weekend. Hands down she is my favorite women's speaker. She's actually my favorite speaker period... just don't tell my dad that! This weekend she spoke on friendships. The first night was friendship with man and the morning after was friendship with God. She certainly rocked my boat.

Combined with the weekend, studying notes I'd taken down and re-reading scriptures she gave, I've come to several conclusions. Not only do we not know how to be friends to one another we have no idea how to be a friend of God. We settle for the mediocre life of feeling like God is only there to 'tell us what to do' and that he's not there to be a friend. We don't treat him as such and most of the time we don't want him as that. Of course because being a friend means we have to be close, we have to be vulnerable. If we lived more like God was our true friend, how much freedom could we experience?

I love how the message states 2 Corinthians 3:16-18:

Whenever, though, they turn to face God as Moses did, God removes the veil and there they are—face-to-face! They suddenly recognize that God is a living, personal presence, not a piece of chiseled stone. And when God is personally present, a living Spirit, that old, constricting legislation is recognized as obsolete. We're free of it! All of us! Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of his face. And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him.

We come to God with veiled faces. He's there... right next to us. Face to face with us desiring an intimate, meaningful relationship and begging us to take the veil down so he can look into our eyes, but we don't. We're scared or we're vulnerable or were just too stinkin' proud. We can't live in the freedom and the liberty God has called us to because we're too busy with this thing in front of our lives. We cover up our real selves and no one really knows who we are... since we're either ashamed of it or we're just too scared. When Jesus died on the cross God ripped the veil. We respond to that by putting up a veil of our own. I use 'we' because I'm right there... I live that life of having a veil up in front of God. I think I'm pretty tired of it. I'm tired of pretending to be something I'm not with God. I can be real with everyone else, but God's a different story. Like he doesn't already know who I am! It gets old... living with a veiled face when I need to just get real and honest. I need to rip it down... tear it off, grab God by the face, put our foreheads together and look straight in his eyes and declare, "It's gone. I've ripped it down and I'm ready... ready to get real."

That's My Girl

2007-02-15T00:22:00.000-04:00

My girls basketball team had a tournament this past weekend. I was really nervous about it because we have only had 1 other game and only a few practices because of weather, etc. I wasn't sure how the girls would do and I was honestly very apprehensive about the entire weekend. Had I prepared them enough? Did I teach them the right things? Do they understand what I've taught them? If you know much about me at all... I hate to lose.

I couldn't have been more proud of them. The girls completely stepped up and proved they were ready to win and ready to play. We won two games and lost 1. We only lost the 1 game by 1 point to the team that won the tournament... we came into the tournament as the last seed. Of course I had my moments of shaking my head because they would forget what I had taught them or not do what they knew they should... then I would have to call a timeout and remind them how they should play or remind them where they should go at a certain time. I had to remind them at times they could do this and they had the talent. I had to individually tell a couple of my players that I knew they could do it, but they had to know they could. In the end, the girls came out on top and proved so much to themselves and to me. I found myself so proud to say those girls were my team. I looked out at them when they would score a basket or do something great and I found myself so thrilled to say 'those were my girls'.

I got to thinking about it on the ride home. It reminded me so much of my relationship with God. He's my coach... he tells me what I need to do and shows me the 'ropes'. I have moments when I'm playing this game of life and I completely and totally forget everything I've learned. I screw up somehow and I lose track of everything. My Father shakes his head and rubs his hand through his hair... he calls a timeout and reminds me of who I am... he reminds me I can do it and shows me the play again and where I should be. He is right by my side cheering me on. He grabs me by the face and looks at me in the eyes. He lets me know I am his and that I have all the ability in the world to do this thing called life because he's been my coach. When I do something right God can sit back and with his head raised high and his chest swelling with pride. He looks out and says 'that's my girl'.

Mercy Came Running...

2007-02-08T00:02:00.000-04:00

Wednesday night is my bible study night. I was annoyed tonight. I was upset because I felt like a lady really attacked another lady pouring out her heart about an issue that she's dealing with. I felt like this other lady was just way out of line and it really made me angry. I called my friend on the way home and ended up kind of 'going off' about it. After my rant and a few laughs from my friend, I told her bible study was great tonight... it was on mercy. She quickly says, 'Yeah, I can tell'. Ouch.

It took all of about 5 minutes for my humanity to rear its ugly head. I'd spent an hour and 15 minutes in a bible study talking all about mercy and God's gift to us that we truly don't deserve. I get out and I'm immediately condemning someone else. I was more worried about what this other lady was doing and judging her for her comments... rather than extending the mercy I had just learned about. It's sad... sad and embarrassing to admit, but so like me.

Contrary to what you may think, I did learn a lot about mercy tonight. I've been extended mercy so many times in my life. Mercy is a humbling experience. One that can only be truly learned and appreciated by actually walking through it. I love the definition of mercy Angela Thomas uses: 'When God puts a crown of beauty on the head of a woman that's only known ashes... that's mercy'. In Isaiah 61:2 God says he will trade my ashes for a crown of beauty. There aren't many situations more humbling than that. Often times we feel like we don't 'deserve' the mercy and feel guilty for having it. That's the point isn't it? It's not mercy if we deserve it. Wikipedia's definition is 'compassion or relief given to an undeserving recipient'. I don't know about you... but it doesn't get anymore undeserving than me. God gives so freely what I do not deserve. Not only does he give it to me, but I'm commanded to give it to others. I didn't extend mercy tonight. I was upset and angry at this woman for attacking another and while I did have mercy on one of the women, I judged the other quickly. God will never ask me to extend more mercy than he's already given to me. Double ouch.

Meekness

2007-02-06T22:56:00.000-04:00

I mentioned early I've been doing a bible study. In this study, Angela Thomas uses the Sermon on the Mount as a basis for her teaching. Of course out of the Sermon on the Mount... comes The Beatitudes. Tonight's lesson was on meekness. *Shocker*... it was just for me.

I've always wondered who in their right mind would want to be meek? I understand some people are like that, but who honestly just truly sets out to be meek?! I've always been an athlete, competitive and striving to be better. I want to stand out, be strong and confident. After all... isn't the definition of meek - weak? Meek means lack of strength or that you have no confidence or no backbone. I mean, I know God knows best, but is inheriting the earth really worth all that? Who do I have to become to inherit these things?

Well tonight I found out how much I really know. It boils down to a big fat not very much. I realized meek means 'well acquainted with your own flaws'. Meek is realizing that I'll never be enough and that I'll always need a Savior to complete me. It's about knowing it's just me... being humbled by that and in that moment, it's when Jesus can step in with his strength and give the blessing. Sound familiar? A favored scripture comes to mind... his strength is perfected in my weakness.

Meek doesn't mean I am weak. I've become too accustomed to wanting to shine in what I do or trying to find some glory in who I am. I want recognition or to cover my own flaws because showing I'm any less than perfect makes me appear weak in others eyes and there are days I think there couldn't be anything worse than that. I want to always appear put together and I want others to think I've just got it under control when most days I'm screaming inside. Meekness means all that's gone. The worry, the cover up, the 'fake'. When I am meek I'm comfortable with my flaws and my weakness, because in that comfort, I come to realize that I'm just a girl... a girl trying to get from one day to the next... a girl who knows she's not enough and knows nothing she can do will ever measure up... simply... a girl in need of a Savior.

White as snow

2007-02-05T17:09:00.000-04:00

It is so cold here. Oh my goodness I thought last night my face was going to fall off it got so cold! It has snowed, and snowed, and snowed some more. I think I've quickly decided that I am, in my heart, a true Florida girl. Visiting the snow is great, but certainly NOT my ideal living situation.

A few weeks ago... the ground outside was brown and dirty. The trees were dead and lifeless. It just looked... ugly. A little snow came and covered the ground. It fell onto the trees and covered parts of the grass, but not all of it. Awhile later we had a very large snow that covered everything... there wasn't a spot of dirt to be seen or the ugly brown the ground once was. The trees were covered and everything was beautiful again. As the snow began melting parts of the grass began to show through, there were brown spots in small, very faint places, but yet again... another snow would come and cover everything.

I thought a lot about it. It so quickly reminded me of my life and Christ's forgiveness. I am the dirty ugly ground... Christ comes to cover completely, but I won't give him everything... so I'm not fully covered with his blanket of forgiveness. When I accept his gift, he covers all of me and I'm beautiful. Not an ounce of old life there... I'm a new creation. Life happens and I screw up and like the brown spots peaking through the snow... there are the old remnants of my life, sneaking there way through the corners of my mind, reminding me of who I used to be. As with the snow, God comes again and covers all my many sins.

God doesn't want part of me. He doesn't want half of the ground to be my old ugly life and half to be as white as snow. He wants to cover me completely. He desires better for me than the mediocrity this life offers. When I let him, it doesn't end there. He can cover me, but I still in my human desires allow that old life to peek through his blanket of covering. I'm either reminded of who I used to be and begin to think I still am that or I begin living my life back the way I used to. God still wants better. He didn't send his son to die for part of what I do or what I did back 'then'. He sent Him to die for it all. Every single part of my life... every ounce of my being... he wants.

So even though I don't like the snow right now and it's sooooo cold, it's better than the ugly brown ground that used to be there. Not only is it better... I can look out the window and remember that I used to be that ground... ugly, dirty and broken... and regardless of who anyone else tries to tell me I am... God took me and covered me... and He made me white as snow.

"Fixer"

2007-02-02T00:22:00.000-04:00

I like to think of myself as a 'fixer'. I like to fix problems and make people feel better. I want to console them and really just make them laugh. I don't like it when the people I love hurt and I want to do everything I can to make it right. I'm usually willing to do whatever it takes. Unfortunately, I can't always and more times than not, I feel like a failure as a friend, a sister or a daughter because I can't fix it.

These are the days I have to stop, step back and take a deep breath. It's not always my responsibility to fix things. Sometimes my reasoning to 'fix' causes more problems then the original one that was already there. God didn't appoint me 'fixer' to the people in my life. He didn't bequeath the title to me. As much as I want it to be... it's just not up to me. Sure, I can be there for a kind word, a cry on my shoulder or a comforting phone call... but fixing isn't my job. That doesn't make me happy. In fact I have a really heavy heart tonight because I really don't know what to do about a couple situations in my life. I don't know how to handle them, where I fit into the equation and what I can do to make them right. My head screams, "STOP" and my heart screams, "FIX". Deep down I know I can't fix them... and it sucks. I've written about this before... it's a constant battle with me and as you can see, I haven't figured it out yet.

Nights like tonight I have to sit back and rest in the loving arms of my Savior. I have to rest on him and let him take me in his arms and hold me. Then, I need to talk to him. I need to tell him what's wrong... lift up these people in my life and ask that he just simply lets HIS will be done. I want my will... I want what I want when I want it and it's usually now. If I'm praying for my will... I'm wasting my time. I need to remember the fate of these that I love rests in his hands and in his time... and he certainly has a perfect track record. It's one I can't even be compared with. I'm tired... I'm not even dealing with the problems and I'm tired. I can't imagine what the people I love are going through.

Father, we ask for your help tonight. Help us never forget that you are in control. We ask for YOUR will to be done in the lives of these people. Soften the stern hearts and give comfort to the weak. Wrap us in your loving embrace and remind us that we have nothing to fear... for you are in control. Help us remember that when we are weak YOU are strong. I pray that you simply rest on us. Allow us to sit in the presence of your glory and your holiness. Thank you God for what you have promised to do. We love you. Grant us guidance and wisdom as you have promised to if we would only ask. Thank you, Lord. Amen.

You see I can't fix it... I can't make it right, but I sure know the one who can. Maybe one of the days it will sink in that He's my first option... not the one when my way doesn't work.

LOST

2007-02-01T00:49:00.000-04:00

One of my best friends and her husband love the show LOST. I have heard for months about this show and how great it is... blah blah blah. I tried to watch an episode back in the first season, but I'd missed quite a bit of the show and was completely lost (no pun intended). After hearing about how great the show was I simply asked my friend to just catch me up so I could begin in the third season. After she quit laughing at me... she told me she would never be able to explain. I would have to see for myself. Determined to not like the show, I rented the first season on Friday of last week. I'm completely and totally hooked.

This is one of the best shows I've ever seen. I've never watched a show that's kept me guessing and on the edge of my seat quite like this one. I find myself with a dropped jaw at the end of each episode thrilled that I don't have to wait until next week to find out what happened. There are so many questions and so few answers. Just the time you think you have something figured out... a new character or problem comes wandering into the jungle.

These perfect strangers are thrown together in awkward situations. They don't know one another and some would rather not get to know one another. The interesting part about this show is that it brings each of the characters of the show with such different backgrounds. They all have something they've left behind... an interesting story you don't have all the pieces to or perhaps a jaded past. I can't help but wonder about the people they have left behind. The people that most likely think they are dead. I wonder what kind of legacy these people have left. When they got on that plane, they had no idea they would end up on an island in the middle of nowhere. How would they be remembered?

I don't often think about my 'legacy'. I expect that tomorrow I'll wake up and go to work. This weekend I'll go cross country skiing and next weekend my girls have a basketball tournament. I don't expect that tomorrow might be my last day. I often try to live for today. If I have an opportunity to do something I usually take it, but what will people say about me when I'm gone? It's easy to think about that in 50 or so years. At 24 it doesn't cross my mind that often. Every day is a chance I can make a difference. A day I can make a lasting impact on someone. Do I want to be remembered as a driven hard-headed woman or a woman that sought after God's own heart? Do I want the girls on my team to say I was the hardest coach they had ever had? That I ran them harder and pushed them more than anyone they've ever know? Or do I want my girls to say, 'Yes, she pushed us... but not only did she push us to be better athletes, she pushed us to be better Christians?'. I would definitely take the latter. I highly doubt tomorrow you will wake up on an island in the middle of nowhere... but just say you do... how will you be remembered?

How will you amaze Jesus?

2007-01-29T12:10:00.000-04:00

I went to a new church last Thursday night. It's a church that's actually received a lot of criticism. It's a seeker church and some people just don't like that. Others think they are just for show. The church has some very cutting edge ideas and actually reaches more lost people than any other church I've had the privilege to be apart of. Of course I had to find out for myself. Granger Community Church (GCC) has 5, yes 5, weekend services... 2 Saturday night and 3 Sunday morning. They also have a Thursday night service geared towards those that are desiring to go deeper. I decided to attend last Thursday night and see what all the fuss was about. I think I've just found my new church.

It's high energy, it's loud, it's technologically minded and it's gut wrenching to the core. I felt like I was in the middle of a Passion concert during worship and that I was sitting on the hillside listening to Jesus speak during the message. For the first time since I moved here... I entered into the throne of worship and fell at his sweet feet. It was an incredibly moving service... far from the 'show' I had heard about this place. It was high action, it was loud... and it was spectacular. As tears streamed down my face, I thanked the Father for giving me exactly what I had asked for... to walk into a church and know this was where God wanted me.

The message that night was on authority. A message I certainly needed to hear. He spoke on the way the world views authority which is as follows:
*Authority
*Accountability
*Affirmation
*Acceptance

He then went on to say that there isn't a time in the Bible (other than dealing with Satan or a demon) where Jesus goes from top to bottom. He always goes from bottom to top. He accepted and affirmed people which caused them to want to be accountable... which then gave him authority over them. He challenged us to approach people with humility... as Jesus did. He also said that Jesus was only amazed twice in the Bible... once with humility and once with lack of faith. He ended the service by asking how we would choose to amaze Jesus.

It was convicting... to the core. It's one of those messages when you feel sucker punched... before you ever saw it coming. How will I amaze Jesus? Is he amazed because I don't have enough faith to believe he can move my mountains and will protect me? Or is he amazed because I come with a humble heart... and not a prideful arrogant one? I've been guilty of both. Unfortunately lack of faith more than the other. I don't have to settle for that. I don't want to demand respect or demand authority... feel like I'm owed something because. The fact is... I'm not owed anything. Everything I have isn't because I deserve it. It's exactly the opposite. I don't deserve any of it. It's again... grace. When I truly accept my grace I live in the victory with which Christ has made me free, but it causes me to be humble. Jesus' love is a love I want to be accountable to. A love I so don't deserve... I can't do anything but be humble about it. How will Jesus be amazed by you?

A Beautiful Offering

2007-01-25T00:35:00.000-04:00

I started a new Bible Study tonight. I knew God wanted me to take this study and I'd heard lots of great things about it, but I wasn't exactly sure why. I didn't know that the reason would slap me in the face the first night of the study. The lady who wrote the study's name is Angela Thomas. She shares her difficulties and her struggles in order to help us understand that our lives-broken, tarnished, ragged, or torn-can still become a beautiful offering to Him.

I've had some situations happen recently in which I've felt like people won't let me forget who I used to be. This is what I dealt with at home and I thought coming here would rid me of that. Instead, I feel as though there are those that know my past and are sitting on the sidelines waiting on me to fail. I've done everything in my power to try and prove I'm not that person anymore or I've lost focus of my purpose because I'm too busy trying to not fail. Why is my time spent worrying about what those people think of me... instead of already knowing who God says I am?

I've already done it. I've had my life of ugly, ragged and torn... I've been broken, battered and ugly. Yes I've been there... but I've also taken that broken life and knelt with it at the throne of grace. If I hold onto it do I truly understand grace? If I don't accept who God has made me do I miss that amazing gift of unmerited favor? Yes, I do. If my God, my Savior, My King... can forgive me... I must also forgive myself. My broken life has changed me... if allow God to do a work. Maybe in my brokenness, in my filth... I can lead someone to the foot of the cross that wouldn't relate to anything but the ragged life God chose to use for an offering.

The path is often painful... it was never promised to be easy and you often find yourself places you never imagined. One quote from the study is my favorite: When you go to the distant country, it costs everything you never intended to give. Amen. How true that anything worth having is worth fighting for. I never imagined my shattered life would have me end up here. I didn't know God's plan and his purpose. Most days I still don't. However, I do know that my Savior has taken my ashes, my rags of filth and my broken, tainted life... and used it for beauty. For a beautiful offering that will bring glory to His name. Father thank you, please continue to allow me to trade these ashes in for beauty.

To Those Special People In My Life...

2007-01-23T01:29:00.000-04:00

"I thank my God every time I remember you." Philippians 1:3

I hope you are blessed to have special people in your life. The people that make your world a better place just because they are in it. I've been dealing with some somewhat troubling times lately... times I could have just given up and thrown the towel in, but I didn't... because I had people right beside me cheering me on. People that told me I could do it.

There are people that pretend to be your friends. There are others who say they are your friends, but their friendship consists of ways to tear you down. There are even more who are you friends when it's convenient for them and to see what they can get out of being your friend... what can you do for them? Then there's that one person... that one special person who is your friend just because. They know all about you... yet they love you anyway. Sometimes there's more than one... and I'm lucky to have a couple. A couple people in my life who love me for me. They believe in me and are confident in who I am and who God's made me. They don't judge me... they build me up and the make me want to be a better person. They hold me to a higher standard and make me feel happy to be who I am because that's the way they like me... flaws and all.

It's those people I want to thank... they know who they are. They've stood by me and behind me and on more than one occasion picked me up. They are often right behind me pushing me forward and urging me to continue on. When the certain ones of the world come against me, they come against them. They call me or e-mail me in the middle of the day just to remind me they are praying for me and they remind me who God has told me I am... not who the world tells me I am. They never put me down and instead lift me up... often at their own expense. These people are my heroes. I love them and I'm proud to be able to call them my friends and I can promise you... if I could choose anyone to be on my side fighting... I would choose to have these people fighting right beside me. Thank you, I love you guys.

He's baaaaccckkkkk!!

2007-01-17T13:01:00.000-04:00

My friend's adorable little 9 year old boy, who also happens to be a spitfire, went down to his friend's house to play the other day. They had some old wood and were building things. He came home with a cross that he had put together and painted and a little stick figure he had put together that was Jesus. On it, he put 'He's back'. He told his mom that he knew that Jesus being on the cross had made her sad and he didn't want her to be sad because he's back! I know... all together now... 'Awwwwwww'. Doesn't get much sweeter than that does it?

It's really rather simple. Jesus is back, but yet we choose to live life in defeat. We choose to live like we don't have hope and that Jesus hasn't won the battle. Sometimes we look at the picture and we forget the ending. How could we? Jesus died, yes... and it should make us sad... very sad, but he also rose again. He truly is 'back'. We don't have to live in defeat. We can live in victory. Short, sweet and simple today. Next time you feel defeated remember a little boy reminding his mom she doesn't have to be sad... because Jesus is back. It's so true... from the mouths of babes.

The success of failure

2007-01-16T00:09:00.000-04:00

Sounds like an oxymoron doesn't it? One of my favorite quotes of all time is from Michael Jordan (imagine that).

"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." ~Michael Jordan

While I believe only true failure comes from quitting, I love this idea. I love it and I get it. Michael Jordan wasn't the greatest player ever in basketball because he won championships, scoring titles, dunk competitions and took the game to another level. He was the greatest player because of what he overcame to get the those places. True success cannot be met without obstables on the course to that success.

I'm coaching a girls basketball team right now. They are the coolest group of girls. God couldn't have given me a better group. My age group is junior high so a lot of what we do in practice is for them to learn the game. The game starts with fundamentals and much of what I teach them they will carry to their high school days and if I miss something, they will be behind on the high school level. I love coaching. I believe it's my true passion in life. I love to play, but there's something about teaching these girls to love the game that gets my blood pumping. I want them to love it like I do and I want them to win. I want them to want to win.

I used to think winning was everything. To this day, I hate to lose anything. God has shown me through coaching these girls that winning isn't everything. The true measure of success isn't met by what that scoreboard says... it's what they give with their heart.

Success is an interesting thought. When am I successful? Sure, when I do something well or I excel in something, but can I understand my true success if I haven't first failed? I know for my life, the greatest success I've experienced was previously met by one of the most grueling battles I've fought... and lost. I don't know and understand the value of success from the mountaintop... I know it from the valley I was in before that mountain top. The principle doesn't just apply to sports or a job. What about success in our Christian walk? When we mess up and experience God's grace yet one more time, we can understand what it really feels like to be successful. It's the same theme all over again... for his power is perfected in weakness. When I am weak, then he is strong. Seems like that lesson keeps following me around wherever I go.

Crash and Burn

2007-01-08T23:41:00.000-04:00

I feel like I've been truly initiated into a Michigan/Indiana winter. Last night we had a little bit of snow and a whole lot of ice. This morning my car decided to get in a fight with it. Needless to say, my car didn't win. I hit ice and spun my car around into a ditch. Not fun. The car had to be towed and I'm awaiting the list of damages. I don't think it's pretty.

Over and over today I heard one basic thing... thank God you're not hurt. It's true. The way I hit, what my car did (it tried to flip, but the bank was too high)... it's incredible that there's nothing wrong with me. The people behind me ran over to me because they thought I cracked my head open and while I had a little of a headache... not even a bump.

After I got my rental car today (which thank the Lord my insurance covered) I drove by where the accident happened. I was naturally a bit shaken, but I paid attention to what was before and after the exact spot I hit. If I had hit before I actually did, I would have flipped my car because it was an open field. If I had hit after, I would have crashed into a group of trees. I almost broke down in tears. It doesn't matter where we are or what situation we are in... we are never out of our Father's reach. When I wrecked my car today, it wasn't a shock to God. He wasn't suprised to see me take a spin and crash into the ditch. He knew and he guided every moment of it and every movement my body made. Only by his divine grace did I not receive injury. Only by his doing was there not another car on the road that I could have hit. From the lady stopping and waiting with me til the police got there to the insurance covering my car rental... I see God. Whatever happened to me today, God was there. There are a million scenarios that could have happened today. Regardless, God was in control and as long as I'm under the hand of the Savior, I'm as safe in a spinning car as I am sitting in my house tonight. God is good... all the time. If we're willing to accept the easy times, we have to be willing to accept those times life just doesn't feel to go 'our' way. I guess that's the point... our ways aren't his ways... and He's never been wrong.

I just can't fix it...

2007-01-07T02:33:00.000-04:00

Do you have those people in your life that you would move the world for? The ones that have touched your heart in such a way and are so special for you there's nothing you wouldn't do for them? Do you have people that feel that way about you? People that have sacrificed so much for you and for what would make you happy? I'm so blessed to have both sets of people in my life. There are those that I know would give their life for me. There are those that I know would stand up and try to keep me from hurt that someone might cause me. There are also those that I'd do the same in return for and I'd settle for nothing less than kicking some one's tail that's trying to hurt them. I think the coolest thing about it is that for the most part, they are the same people. The same people that would stand up for me are those that I'd stand up for.

That's not where the hard part is for me. I'm fine with standing up to help with people's battles and do everything I can't to cause people not to hurt. My hard part is when life throws those things at those people I love. When those people I love are working so hard to get their lives together and things happen that I can't control. When is it too much? Well of course the answer is never. I know God never gives us more than we can handle, but do we really genuinely believe that? I don't think we do. We've all had those moments when we wake up and think we can't possibly take another step because if we do we will surely die. It's in those moments that we find out who we truly are and our character is either made or broken. I'm fine with dealing with the hard things I'm dealt, but I hate having to see those I love and care about so much go through it. I hate knowing the world of those that I love is crumbling down and there's nothing I can do about it. If you know me at all, you know I love control and being out of it isn't something I like. That's where this issue hits home with me. The trials and hardships my closest friends face, I can't control. I can't make my brother ok. I can't fix his problems and make him have a relationship with God. I can't control the things his mind has seen that haunt him everyday. I can't help my friend dealing with broken relationships and friendships that once existed. I can't provide comfort for a friend that feels they have no one left. I won't be able to make my friends ex-husband disappear or erase the pain he's caused and I'll never be able to make someone that's hurt her so deeply not show up to a meeting she doesn't even belong at to begin with. I simply can't... and I hate it.

I can't fix it, but guess what? I know the one who can. I'm on a first name basis with the one that created my friends and knows the number of hairs on each other their heads and guess what? God never wastes our pain (a very wise man said that!). It's not my job to fix my friends problems or to make them go away. Sure I want to snap the neck of anyone that causes them pain, but that's not my job. I'm supposed to show them the one that can and I'm supposed to pray for them. Even though there are days I don't like it, the strongest battle I can fight is on my knees. It's not about being in control or having the power to change it. If I really could I would surely screw it up! I'm to lift them in prayer... pray that God would lavish his love and his peace over them. There are so many days that I want to be in control and that I want that power, but there are even more days that I know if I did it would be disaster. So that's me today, praying for my friends and praying God provides them with unspeakable peace and joy. That he puts his arms around them and they feel his presence. I'm sure I'll need to be reminded that I'm out of control yet again... perhaps in just a couple of hours!

My dad...

2006-12-29T00:27:00.000-04:00

There's this connection between daddy's and their little girls. It always seems there's a special connection with moms and their boys, too but the daddy/daughter factor is a beautiful thing. I love my dad... he's always be been my hero and my knight in shining armor. He was my coach, my leader, my pastor... he's my daddy. He's been there for me even when I didn't realize that he was or care to pay attention.

Somewhere in the bustle of life, my dad and I kind of 'lost' a bit of our connection. The details aren't important, but the lesson from the story was most valuable. Instead of remembering the times my dad was there for me, I chose to pick out the one time I felt like he let me down. I forgot that he, too was in fact human. I guess a little part of me thought he was perfect. I knew God's grace was sufficient for me and that I needed that grace, why was my dad any different? I could deal with my screw ups (and there were many), but somehow I thought he wasn't allowed to screw up. I was quickly reminded that while I'm a girl in need of a Savior... my daddy was just another boy in need of a Savior.

Over the past couple of months my dad and I have had a chance to reconnect with one another. Day by day and moment by moment, we've gotten little bits of that relationship back that I took for granted. My Christmas at home was great and I felt like we were truly a 'family' again. Today I got an e-mail from him. It was so special to me and I sat here reading it with tears streaming down my face. I'd like to share a portion of that with you:

I am grateful for your direction upward and the drive outward. I know you can do anything. You have been special since your first breath. I will be praying for your quest and that your life be safe. I love you baby and miss you greatly. Keep your head up and see the floor. The open opportunities are always in the gap. love, Dad

Keep your head up and see the floor... those words make me smile! I remember him telling me that every time I hit the basketball court. The open opportunities are always in the gap... how true is this statement? While the pass is always the open opportunity in the gap, life's the same way. I have learned so many things from my dad and I continue to do so... just in a simple e-mail. I don't want to take my relationship with him for granted anymore. I don't want to have to move 1200 miles away to find out just how special he is to me. To have a dad that prays for you... and a dad that believes in you... it doesn't get much better than that!

Dads, remember every opportunity you have to pour into your daughter's life is a special moment in which she can learn from you... and she loves you and is proud of you... even when you lose your cool points! Daughters, remember to never forget to tell your daddy just how much he means to you... don't wake up having to lose him to find out just how special he really was.

My dad, my hero, my #1 coach forever... I love you and am so proud to call you MY daddy!

A Christmas Homecoming...

2006-12-27T23:38:00.000-04:00

I love Christmas. The time between Thanksgiving and Christmas is my absolute favorite time of year. Everything about it makes me happy! It's so much fun preparing for Christmas with decorating, making cookies (and my new found favorite Oreo bark), getting a tree and shopping for gifts. I'm not sure where that month went this year because before I blinked... it was over!

I've never really lived away from home. I went away for college, but it was only an hour and a half and every holiday I've been with my family for the most part. This year, I moved to Indiana. I wasn't home for Thanksgiving, but got to go home for Christmas. It's no secret to anyone that knows me things with my family for the past few months have been more than tense. Distance has healed, but what happens when you go back for the first time? Does all that tension stay gone or does the hard-headed opinions of everyone come crashing together Christmas morning? I was excited to go home, but also very apprehensive. There were so many things going through my head about being back home. Between my parents, my brother and my old lifestyle staring me back in the face in the small town of Winter Haven, I wasn't sure how I would stand up.

My homecoming was more than sweet. It was one of the best times I've ever had with my family. I saw God's grace all over the place! My brother and I were able to get closer and I hopefully made a positive impact on his life, my parents and I had an awesome time together and I was able to spend time with precious friends... with a 3 week old baby, a little basketball and a little wrestling mixed in. My time was so great, I fought with not wanting to come back to Indiana. A place that had scarred me so deeply... a place that defined who I had been... a place that I swore I would never come back to... I quickly forgot it all and wanted to be back there. Was it because my brother was back? Was it my parents and I were ok again? Was it because it's where a special couple that's like a mom and dad to me live? Was it because I found a new family with a new big sister and new nephews that live in the area? Maybe it was a combination of things and maybe it was just because this place was so different than when I left... but when I got away, I realized going back wasn't the answer. The answer is that I'm in Indiana for a purpose... God put me here. The rest is in his hands. It's not my job to decide to go back because the puzzle pieces are back where I think they need to be... it's to follow God's path for my life. The truth is that he put me here for a reason and I have responsibilities here that I'm to carry out and people who I care about and that care about me.

I don't know about you, but that's so like me. I take a situation and see it through my eyes instead of through God's. I see a situation that I feel like is right, but what does God see? I think I want to be back because things seem ok. God might see something else. I was too busy and wrapped up in the moment to see the big picture. How often would we see things differently if we stepped out and saw what God saw... if we looked at the outcome instead of looking in the moment? How differently would we see things if instead of looking on impulse, we look through prayerful eyes?

Yes, my Christmas Homecoming was good... in fact it was great. But that's what it was... a homecoming. And I'll have another one, and another one... and I'm sure that many times after each one I'll have to be reminded to look at the bigger picture... because God's looking out for me all the way through the end of the game... not just the end of the 1st quarter!

Amazing Grace...

2006-12-12T00:49:00.000-04:00

God has been teaching me so much about grace lately. Maybe he's always been trying to teach it... I've just recently been deciding to listen! I think it's a word we hear and we just take it so flippantly... we don't let it transform our lives the way we should. To be granted grace... is one of the most precious things we can be given. Not only do we as Christians receive it, we're supposed to live like our life is different because of it.

God has extended me so much grace in recent times. I have felt his presence so clearly in my life and been amazed by that transforming power of grace. It's not just about receiving it... it's about living a life that's been changed by grace. The online dictionary gives one definition of grace as being 'the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God.' The freely given... you see grace didn't cost us anything and unmerited basically means we don't deserve it. God did all the work. It's our job to accept it and live like it makes a difference in our world.

I love the song 'Grace Flows Down'. It's one of my very favorites. In the verse it says 'Amazing Love, now flowing down. From hands and feet, that were nailed to the tree... as grace flows down and covers me'. I love the picture of grace flowing down from the nail scarred hands of our Savior and Lord. Not only does the song say it 'flows down', but it covers. We can pray that not only for ourselves... but for others as well. Pray that God's grace will pour over them and keep them protected and they will be filled to overflowing with his love and favor. I am praying that for someone right now. That they will feel God's grace pour out from Calvary and cover them. That they will know his power is made perfect in their weakness and they can live a life in victory. If I don't believe grace has changed my life, how can I pray for this person to live a life changed by grace? I want to show him that a life of victory in grace isn't about anything that I have done... it's all about what Christ has done because on my own... I am nothing. A great friend once told me... 'What we cover, God uncovers. What we uncover, God covers'... that's grace.

Faith...

2006-12-08T01:36:00.000-04:00

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1

I've gotten out of the boat... I'm standing in the middle of the water with the waves crashing around me and a steady eye on my Savior... but I'm out. Faith is a beautiful thing. The very essence of the word makes me smile. Listen to what the NLT version of Hebrews 11:1 says:
"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. " I love this translation. It doesn't say that I have confidence in something that might happen or something guess could happen... it says the confidence that what we hope for WILL ACTUALLY HAPPEN. I don't know about you, but that makes me want to shout.

I am praying through a situation right now and I'm just having to put the faith in God. I'm having to trust him to handle the situation because the fact of the matter is that I'm 1200 miles away... there's not much I can do and even though I'd like to think otherwise... if I were right in the middle of the situation I couldn't do much either. God is teaching me to not only rely on him but rely on him with faith. I can't just lean on him and wish for the best... he desires for me to have faith that what I want and hope to happen is going to because he can make it. He wants me to live in assurance of what I can't see instead of only trusting what I can. The truth is that sometimes it's not easy to have the faith. I'm not trusting just a situation I'm entrusting a person to him... someone I love SO much and that's one of the most important people in my life. I have to know that God is in control and as much as I think I love this person... it's not a fraction of how his heavenly father feels about him. If there's anyone better to entrust him to... who better than his Savior and Lord... the one who fashioned him and knows the number of every hair on his head. I'm believing God for big things with a faith that screams 'gonna happen'.

I'm trusting and believing and I'm out of the boat. No matter how big those waves get I want to stay out of that boat and keep my eyes fixed on the Savior. I give this to him with the knowledge that I can do nothing on my own, but all things through him. I know and believe that he is the author of all things good and he has a perfect plan for us... one for good and a future and not for harm. Regardless of the outcome of this situation... may God simply be glorified and may I continue living in bold, radical, life-changing faith.

Get outta the boat...

2006-12-07T00:39:00.000-04:00

On Wednesdays, a couple from work has starting having the singles over for dinner. We have great food and instead of just talking about sports, or tv, we get into some real spiritual issues and talk about where we are in our lives and what we're dealing with. A particular friend of mine had the night tonight and he came up with a theme. He talked about Peter stepping out of the boat and how the other disciples sat in the boat. It really challenged me to think of where I am in my life.

Moving here was a huge step out of the boat. In fact, it wasn't a step.... it was a huge head first dive (which is usually how I do most things). The point... not much. I stepped out of the boat and it's over. Done. I did it. Move on. I can't keep using that as my 'step out in faith'. It's a daily battle... as the battle to die to self is daily... the stepping out in faith is right in there. I need to see where I am right now... what have I done this week to step out in faith for God, what have I done today? Some days stepping out of the boat is easy because we want to be radical and we want to be different. Other days that nice dry boat is comfortable and nothing short of a sprung leak is getting us out of there. I don't want to be 'content'... I want to be radical. The thing I'd hate to be called would be 'normal or plain'. I want to step out on faith and know that my God is there to catch me. I want to step with the confidence of a God that's already won the war.

If there's anyone in the Bible that can give us hope, surely it's Peter. How many times did the poor guy just stick his foot in his mouth? (I think that's why I like him so much). More than that, for me Peter was radical. Whatever he did he gave it 110% (yes, I know, I said 110). He denied Jesus 3 times, said ridiculously stupid things, fell on the water because he took his eyes off Jesus... but who did the Savior say he would build his house upon?! Peter... the rock! When it gets right down to it... where are we any better than Peter? I want to be a Peter... I want to give God everything I have... even if sometimes I say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing... I want him to know I'm radically dedicated to him. I want to serve him with reckless abandon and I don't want to spend another day inside that boat watching the others that are walking side by side our Savior amongst the waves.... I want to be there with him.

Live for Today

2006-12-06T01:01:00.000-04:00

Life often throws us curve balls... I don't always like to think of them as 'curve balls', but rather as times of God testing our faith and complete reliance on Him. There are a lot of those tests that I fail. Other times I pass with flying colors because I simply let God handle it and realize that I'm in fact... not in control. There are so many times I look back and wish I'd done things differently or wish I had stepped out on faith a little more. While I can't change those choices I made, I can do the next thing right.

I had a very close person in my life pass away from cancer very recently. She was like a grandmother to me. I moved to Florida when I was 13 and both of my grandmothers lived in North Carolina so she adopted me as one of her own. We'd do many things together and I don't think I had a basketball game in the state of Florida that she missed. As things happen, little kids turn into big kids and have lots of things going on. We still managed to try and stay close and in fact did the best we could. I was able to see her a lot over the course of her cancer fight, but at one point she moved with her daughter to South Carolina. When she was in remission, she moved back to Florida and I was busy... very busy. I didn't have time for anything... in fact I didn't make time for anything other than what I wanted to do. I always said 'I'll get with you soon'. Long story short I never did and moved to Indiana. When I got the phone call that she had 48 hours to live... one haunting thought ran through my mind. It was a Sunday morning and I see her face as clear as if it were yesterday asking me one simple thing... 'Can we please do lunch sometime soon. I miss you and would love to catch up'. Of course I said yes and never did. The memory still bothers me. I always remember that I never did. I never saw her again because I was simply too busy. Hours before she fell into the loving arms of our Savior, she asked about me and how I was doing. Honestly, how could I not spare an hour of lunch...

I want to live for today. Plain and simple, short and sweet. Live in the moment and not miss the opportunity to be a blessing or let others be a blessing to me. I'm challenged today to tell people that are important to me just that... that I love them and they are important. My friends make me smile. (Addi, Kristi, Nicole, Suz, Bobby, BK, Jonathan, G$... you've become the best friends a girl could ask for). They light up my life and are so special to me. They need to know that. I want my parents to know that even though we've had our ups and downs and disagreements, frankly, it doesn't really matter anymore. I just love them and I miss them and I want them to know how blessed I feel to have them as parents. I want them to know they are so special to me. The fact of the matter is... I don't want to wake up tomorrow and realize that I don't have the chance to tell them anymore.

Failure sucks. I hate it. I'm competitive and I hate losing... anything. My friends can atest to that. Unfortunatley I've failed many times and I've failed many people, but I can do the next thing right. I can tell that next person that I love them or be that encouragement they need. As the Dwayne Wade commercial says... Fall down 7 times... get up 8. I'm getting up... I'm on a much higher number than 8... but I'm up... up and living for today.

Priceless

2006-12-04T10:58:00.000-04:00

Gas to New Orleans: $200.00
Hotel Room: $150.00
New team apparel: $50.00
Going to see Notre Dame play in the Sugar Bowl... PRICELESS!

A P32

2006-12-01T11:34:00.000-04:00

I've thought about it... a lot. I've heard all about the P31 woman and who she is. I've decided that I am not now, nor will I ever be one. (And I'm ok with that). I think that instead, I'm a P32 girl. P32... when P31 just doesn't cut it.

Redeeming Love

2006-11-30T01:22:00.000-04:00

I just got finished reading the most incredible book. It's called 'Redeeming Love'. I actually read it in less than a day. It could possibly be one of the best books I've ever read. The story is set in the 1850s, but it's based on the story in Hosea... where he marries a prostitute, she runs and he has to buy her back out of slavery. It's an awesome book and I think every girl in America should read it. The story is all about the power of a redeeming Savior.

Pretty much anyone that would read this blog knows I've made many mistakes in my life... most of which I'm not proud of at all. I'm floored at the grace and forgiveness that God bestows on us. I'm amazed when I read something like the story of Hosea and see the redemption that God can give. It never matters what's been done in the past or how many times we have screwed up... he's still there. I think the concept is a hard grasp for me because I have had people leave me because of things I've done in my life. If they don't leave then they certainly judge you or look at you differently because of choices you have made. I believe there are consequences to sin, but when you ask God for forgiveness... he just forgets. I think we as people dwell on what others think of who we are or what we've done... when God's redeeming power has already saved and forgiven us. It's an incredible concept for me and almost unfathomable. I'm tired of caring what the world thinks and who they say I am. I know who God says I am and quite simply... I am his. I'm his daughter, his child, his love. I want to live in that... to sit and rest in the fact that I am who God says I am... the rest doesn't matter a whole lot. God has redeemed me. He has made me new and that person I was... doesn't exist anymore... as long as I don't let her. God has forgotten her and it's about time I do, too.

Stand up and fight

2006-11-29T00:21:00.000-04:00

I have to admit I've always been more of a fighter than a peace maker. I enjoy fights (not physical... haha) and sometimes I've even been known to pick them. More than fighting, I love to win. It's just my nature and I'm not always proud to admit that. Sometimes winning becomes my motive. It's not about the fight or about why I'm doing it... if I win I'm happy. It can become disaster when my flesh gets in the way. Although the mentality has gotten me some good places in my life, it's also gotten me some not so good places. Like any trait we possess, it can be turned and used for good. God can make something of my competitive winning attitude and use it for HIS good.

(If you have not seen the movie the Patriot and care, do not continue reading) In one of my favorite movies, The Patriot, Mel Gibson's character, William has just lost his son in war. He was terrified for his son's life and his greatest fear came true. William left his family to fight with his son, but when he was killed, he wanted to go home. They challenged him to stand up and fight with them anyway. He left, but when he remembered what he was fighting for... he comes riding up on a horse carrying an American flag... it's one of the most moving scenes in the movie. I don't usually have a problem with standing up and fighting, but that energy needs to be focused in the right direction. Instead of fighting or arguing with everyone that comes in my path or everything that doesn't go my way, I need to focus that energy on fighting the true battle... the one for Christ. I need to remember that he's already won the war... I'm just doing my part to gain soldiers for this battle. God wants us to fight... even when we don't feel like it and even when we're so tired we can't see straight... he desires to have all of us giving him everything we can. Honestly, is that a whole lot to ask for considering he sent his son to die for us? In the grand scheme of things... not only does it not seem like that much, it doesn't feel like it's enough...

Just a girl...

2006-11-28T00:55:00.000-04:00

in need of a Savior. Yep, that's me. If I could pick a statement to define me, I think that's what I would choose. When I was 9, I had the privilege of asking Jesus to come into my heart and take over my life. Even at the young age of 9... I realized I just needed a Savior... unfortunately I didn't live like it. I've always been somewhat of a tough person and I like to do things on my own, my own way. Being 'saved' isn't my idea of a fairytale. I'd rather be scoring the winning basket in a game... that's my kind of story. I lived a lot of my life like that. It was what I want, when I want it... and it was usually now. Life was about what I could do and how quickly or good I could do it. Everything was a competition and if it wasn't, I would find a way to make it that way. I felt like being 'saved' meant I was weak... and the last thing I wanted to be was weak. There's nothing wrong with ambition in life, but there comes a point where we all have to realize that we all need saving. I was a Christian for 14 years before I really understood that I was just a girl who's in need of a Savior. Instead of feeling like the world was against me and I was fighting my way to the top, I found out that Jesus chose to save me... and had to die to do so. Of course I knew the story, on paper and in my head I knew it all. It was a heart issue... I had to feel it. I had to understand truly just what that Savior had done for me... for only me. I had to get (and am still learning everyday... right, Suz?) that having to be saved doesn't make me weak... it makes me strong... because in my weakness and in my vulnerability (I know, I hate it, too) then he is strong. I will go back to the verse over and over in 2 Corinthians 12... for when I am weak... then I am strong. At the end of the day... we're all just boys and girls in need of a Savior. Instead of being defined or represented by jobs or status or anything else of this world... lets just simply be girls and boys... living this life one day to another... knowing that we are nothing without our incredible redeeming Savior.

Friends

2006-11-27T01:49:00.000-04:00

Yes, it was a very popular TV show of which I was a huge fan... but it's also something we all, if we're blessed, have. I have been reminded a lot this week about how grateful I am for my friends. I think it's safe to say that most of the ones I count as my 'best' and 'closest'... I haven't known longer than 2 months. It's kind of funny how God does those things. When I changed my life and lost most of my close friends, I prayed God would give me a solid group of friends that were desiring to live godly lives. I had a very lonely 7 months. God put people in my life I needed at the time, but he didn't give me a solid group because he knew he was going to move me to Indiana... so he gave them to me here. Once again... God knew and I didn't! One of these days I'm going to drill that into this thick head of mine! God provided me with the most solid group of friends I could ask for and I love them so dearly. I can't even express how cool it is to have a group of young singles that are desiring to walk godly lives and are willing to call me out in a heartbeat if I'm not doing it! We laugh, we cry... we have amazing times together and I've known them for about 5 weeks. God is SO amazing and even though I shouldn't be suprised (considering he can do anything)... I never want that amazement to go away. I always want to be amazed at what God does and stunned by his majesty and glory.

God also provided a family for me through a group called Tres Dias. I've made some incredible (and interesting) friends through this group and he knew I needed them. One big haired twin in particular... I've gotten to know SO well. She's been SUCH a blessing and an inspiration to me. It's amazing how God puts someone in your life that's been where you are... and can relate after she's already been through it. I am so thankful she is in my life and that I can learn from her everyday. God has brought two people in particular back into my life that had been out of it sometime to be major encouragements to me. One let me live with her during a trying time and another came in just when I needed her. Friends are an amazing thing. I believe God's all we need to get through it, but boy do friends help. I love being able to call any of these people at anytime and ask them for a prayer or know that if I needed anything in this world, they would be there. Thanksgiving is over, but I don't want to ever lose sight of being 'thankful. My awesome brother in Christ, Paul says in Philippians 'I thank my God every time I remember you'. Those words bring a smile to my face. I want my friends to know how thankful I am for them. You all are a true gift from God and I'm so excited to learn from each of you. Thank you for being my friend!

Such a time as this...

2006-11-26T17:35:00.000-04:00

You know those sacred moments of grace? Those ones that appear months after you represented God so boldly, but you felt like no one noticed and even if they did... they could care less? I got one today. It's the coolest, most reassuring feeling in the world. It means more than God showing you when you do it. 7 months ago I stood for God more bodly than I ever have in my entire life. I knew people were aware I had done it, but they didn't care. In fact, most of them hated me for it. 7, almost 8 months later, I had one of those friends tell me that they remembered how I stood up and that I was right and they respected me for my decision. They said even though they didn't understand at the time and they didn't like it then, they get it now and want to stand for God now as well. I don't know about you, but that makes me want to shout from the mountaintops!! It's so cool when anyone gets on fire about God, but I can't tell you how exciting it is for someone from my former group of friends. I honestly didn't expect to really speak to any of these people again... God had different ideas. I certainly didn't give him enough credit. It was so incredibly exciting for me that God rewarded my faithfulness. We often wonder why God doesn't answer our prayers or show us 'why' immediately... it's because he has better ideas than we do! He has bigger and better plans than we could ever imagine. When we live for Christ, it shouldn't be about the reward... it should just be that it is living for Christ... even with that, the reward is such a nice bonus! Months ago when I thought no one cared and I felt like I was the only person in this world... God prepared it for 'such a time as this'... a time when someone could see what God had to offer and there were other lives to live... ones that glorify God. And I'll tell you... I wouldn't take back those times when I felt like I was all alone for anything in this world. God is so freakin' awesome!

A Daughter of the King

2006-11-23T02:57:00.000-04:00

Everytime I see the phrase, or hear the phrase, it brings a smile to my face. It took some really special friends to make me realize that's exactly what I was. They showed me and reminded me that my Heavenly Father was in fact a King... and I was His daughter. It didn't matter who I had become, what I had done or where I was in my life at that time... I was a princess, and to him I was special. I can't tell you how much I needed that message at the time. One of those friends at times will send me a morning e-mail or a morning chat message that begins with, 'Good Morning Precious Daughter of the King'. I smile everytime I read those sweet words. As comforting as that thought is... it is also challenging. The knowledge that I'm a daughter of the King comes with some accountability... a higher standard and I should start living my life in that way. I need to live my life with the authority and understanding that I am in fact of a royal bloodline. I have some friends that sing in a group and they have a song with a line in it that says, 'unworthy of royal blood that flows through my veins'... how true, but how awesome! Royal blood DOES flow through my veins, but not without a price. Guess what the song is about? Yep, that's right... grace. It's only through grace we are saved and only through that grace do we become children of the King. We weren't born into our royalty... we were adopted... and we weren't free! A price was paid so we could in fact be in the royal family. Let's start living like it! Let's live lives of salvation and freedom, remembering that our daddy is the King and that we are precious in his eyes. In the grand scheme of things, we're just boys, and just girls, in need of a Savior... a Savior that showed up, adopted us and made us children of the Kingdom! I don't know about you, but for me... it doesn't get much better than that!

To Live Is Christ...

2006-11-20T01:03:00.000-04:00

Yep, you know what comes next... and to die is gain. I began this title and this blog yesterday and I'm really glad I waited... God knew I should and as always... he's right! This morning a dear friend passed away. She's gone on to be with her Savior and I couldn't be happier for her. Her life was about living for Christ, but her death was gain. She left this earth and entered the eternal embrace of her loving Lord... what a cool picture to imagine.

I think that most of us imagine true 'death' in the statement 'to die is gain'. In the familiar passage of Phillipians, Paul is in prison and fighting with whether to live or to die. I believe he meant very literally that his death would be gain... while I believe that, I also feel that verse 21 can mean something very different.. which he knew. The NLT version says 'For me, living means living for Christ, and dying is even better'. Living for Christ... quite frankly it means 3 words... not about me. Of course while we want to think it is all about us, a life sold out for Christ has NOTHING to do with us... it's all about him. If there's any life we could learn from, it would be Paul's. His example is exactly what living for Christ is all about. Paul was passionate in all of his affairs. When we meet Paul, his name was Saul and he killed and persecuted Christians with a passion... giving 110% to what he felt called to do. Upon his conversion and his name being changed to Paul... he's one of the most radical and influential people in the Bible. He knew nothing on this earth was about him and if it wasn't glorifying God or somehow showcasing God's excellence, he wasn't interested in it.

So we're ok with living for Christ... most days... but what about this dying thing? This one isn't fun, but it's one of the most crucial parts of a radical Christian walk. When I am ready to die to myself... then I can truly experience the power of God in my life. Nothing about that is comforting to us in our flesh... we want the power and we want control. We can die in areas... I'll give God my financial situation or give God my relationships, but all areas? Dying to all self? That's when it gets difficult. I'm never been part of a greater battle in all my life than dying to myself... it's because it's a daily battle. I die on Monday, but Tuesday I wake up... and it begins all over again. God doesn't want part of us... he didn't send Jesus to die on the cross for a portion or for a few sin... the blood of the spotless Lamb covers all of our sin and God desires to have every part of our broken lives. I want to be a Paul... I want to live my life outloud and I want people to know who I serve and why... I want for people to look at me and not see me, but see what God has done for me because I have chosen to live for Him... simply by not living for me.

I Love This Game...

2006-11-20T00:55:00.000-04:00

Basketball... I love it. I love most sports, but basketball holds such a special place in my heart. I don't remember not playing and I've been on an organized team since I was 7. For years, I lived it and I breathed it. There's nothing like dribbling down the court, getting someone with a crossover (especially when you're a girl) and making a no look pass to the lane where your teammate catches and scores! It honestly sends an excitment like nothing else. I got to play tonight... and it was awesome. Being on the floor again is one of the most exciting things I can do. I'm realizing that at 24 I'm not quite as young as I used to be. As much as I love the game, watching it on TV, watching live, playing or coaching... how awesome would it be if I could get that excited about reading God's word or about truly knowing Him? Sure we hear the sports analogy of yelling at the football game and sitting in church like it's a funeral... but for those of us that are sports lovers... so much of the game is who we are. Years ago I loved nothing more than being commended for a great game or a great pass. I want to desire being proud of what I do for Christ even more than that. Paul tells us in Philipians to do nothing out of selfish ambition and to think of others as better than ourselves. Sports teach us to make something of ourselves and be a standout. Of course it's not wrong, but sometimes we lose ourselves in doing what gets us noticed. Now don't misunderstand... I'm so competitive by nature and I love to win... but I don't want my desire to compete and win to miss our on the opportunity to live for Christ. I want to love my God like nothing else. I want to think it a privilege to study His word or go to church on a Sunday even more so than playing a pick up game or scoring the winning three-pointer. Of course I will still be back out there next Sunday night... just as excited about getting the chance to play again... but maybe this week in my devotional or when I get the chance to share Christ with someone... it will put that thrill of that game winning shot in the pit of my stomach and maybe bring a little smile to my face.

The Love of My Life...

2006-11-19T01:09:00.000-04:00

The Love of My Life... the phrase brings a smile to a blissful couple's face and gets an eye roll from a lonely single person. Others sum their loves up by a child, a vehicle, a sport. The love of a life can take on many forms and the desire to have one can eat a person's soul up. We think of many things as being our loves, as we should, but when do we think of Jesus as being the true love of our life? Sure we all say it because it sounds good and of course when we do it makes us more holy... who doesn't want to be more holy? But what happens when we honestly mean it? What if our entire satisfaction and validation as a person were measured in our Savior's love? I think loves are great and we should all have them, but I also feel (as a single person) that we concentrate our lives on finding that 'true love' and miss out on the fact that Jesus is already that... he's just waiting for us to accept it. I have friends who's entire lives are revolving around the idea of a boyfriend they don't even have yet. I certainly am far from figuring it out and am hoping to learn everyday, but how much more victory could I have in my life if I knew that Jesus was my one true love? I certainly hope to find that earthly true love one day, but how can I expect to find him when Jesus isn't in his proper place as my first true love? I'm ready to wake up knowing that not only does He love me like no one else can, but he gave his LIFE for me... only me. I think if I truly understood the concept of it, then I wouldn't have a problem loving Him how I should. If I woke up everyday with the knowledge that all I am is a girl in need of a Savior and that He has already saved and forgiven me... there would be a lot less lonely nights!

Am I Enough?

2006-11-17T01:09:00.000-04:00

Am I enough? I think it's the question we ask ourselves everyday in one way or another. Do we measure up? Do we 'fit the mold'? Do we exceed the expectations? The real question we should ask ourselves is who is the judge of our expectations? Who do we allow to hold the mold that decides we are or aren't enough?
When we look through the worlds eyes, we will never be enough. If we see each other as the world sees us, we will never fit that perfect mold. Instead, we should look at ourselves through the eyes of Jesus. Instead of looking at our sin and who our sin made us, we should look at ourselves (if in fact we are Christians) as new creations. If we measure ourselves by our sin and see who we are because of it, what was the point of Calvary? 2 Corinthians 12:9 says 'His grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness'. How different would our lives be if we lived that way? If we lived LIKE Christ intended us to live with the knowledge that no matter who we are, what we've done or what we will do... Christ's grace is sufficient for ME. That in my weaknesses and in my persecutions, His power is made perfect. Verse 10 of the same passage continues on to say, 'Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me'. 'Rest on me'... I don't know about you, but as we say in North Carolina... those words will preach! It's not when I'm sitting on the mountaintop that I am the strongest... it's in those moments in the valley... those moments that I think I can't take another step and if I do I will surely die... that my God, my Savior and my everything, will take me in His arms, hold me tight and let His power just rest on me. If we lived our lives knowing we are paid for with a price and loved and forgiven by the King of Kings... maybe then we'd realize that we were in fact never enough... He made us enough.